finals are over

today i just want to write. i really don't know what to write but it's been so long since i poured out anything genuine. and this was supposed to be a formal journal but i can slip once in a while; finals are over. you know, even if this adventure in hong kong ends because i lost my scholarship (i didn't and i won't), i honestly feel like this year will not have been wasted.

i love everyone i've met, the ideals i chased, and the self i'm discovering. and even though it's hard, i even love my long distance relationship. i can be silly and insecure. he can be distant and inexpressive. it may have been his timing. but without him, i would have never learned i was strong enough to love someone at a point in my life i was beginning to doubt myself. how much could i honestly care about and devote my heart to the important people in my life?

i used to put up this front of caring about humanity in general but it came with ulterior thoughts of putting out an image. i never felt consistent love or companionship in my house. being truly attached to people is one of the most difficult things for me. i've never had a friend that i could cry over if they moved away. i thought about myself too much. i pitied myself. i was selfish. i mean, i'm still as selfish and self-centered as the next person, but now i understand this: the people around you: they give you reasons to love humanity in general. they're the ones that teach you what it means to be human, what it means to chase happiness, what it means to play, what it means to love. now, the people i consider my friends and comrades, i cry when i think about losing them. even my family, who i've always felt detachment from: flawed humanity is a beautiful thing. and the pseudo-traumas to my personality that stemmed from my youth--they help connect me to people, they help me feel real. despite the fact i've been a disney girl, constantly wishing for happy endings and idealism, i think i'd rather have struggles. when i become successful, my struggles will keep me grounded and grateful for wherever i end up.

even if i had to abandon this endeavor in hong kong, the kinds of things i found, i can still keep in my heart.

"Yearning is a Sickness"

English Translation:

when you are on the other side of the mountains, my lonely path seems endless...

how many times in life do you realize, too late, that
you’ve already lost what’s most important to you?
people don’t have foresight, it’s only after you make the mistake
that you’ll see the one you blamed was yourself
they say that’s life, you live and learn,
and you can hide tears but you can’t avoid the emotions you have.
i don’t know how to ask the world to stop turning,
i know ignoring it isn’t useful at all
it’s just that at this time, at night
i still return to the unforgettable memories
i think my longing* is a sickness; and it cannot be cured

when you are on the other side of the mountains, my lonely path seems endless
i sometimes feel you breathing behind me, but i’ve never felt the deepest thoughts of your heart

foolishly forgetting the people who need our love and care,
in the end, we drift apart through our excuses
without realizing it, we constantly complain and annoy
because we refuse to look back at ourselves, see ourselves
and just what foolish things we’ve done.
maybe it’s that God testing me,
it’s just that this wound needs a bit of time,
it’s just that i long for before,
the people that are now far from me,
and soon we find this distance... become memories

when you are on the other side of the mountains, my lonely path seems endless
i sometimes feel you breathing behind me, but i’ve never felt the deepest thoughts of your heart
oh longing is a sickness, oh longing is a sickness, a sickness

how long has it been since you’ve said “i love you"?
how long has it been since you’ve embraced the ones you love?
when this world is no longer so beautiful,
only love can make things better,
i believe, it’s still not too late, ignore all the nagging,
don’t let unhappy things obstruct your path,
just afraid you won’t speak, just afraid you won’t act
don't let the regret continue, there’s still time

*[longing: yearning, nostalgia, reminiscence]
translated by Frank Gan

Wishing I Could Be In Two Places at Once

Sadly, I think I am missing the One-Zone Korfball Invitational and the last USFHK basketball match since I won't be back until early February. Our matches are on the 22nd(basketball) and 23rd(korfball) of January. I'm even missing winter basketball camp! I didn't think I would.... but I am really going to miss all the friends I made first semester. I didn't expect to have sentimental feelings after only a few months!

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Access to Healthcare

I hurt my knee again. It's probably the one hundredth time since the original injury playing basketball. Funny that this knee problem is the one thing that has followed me since a year and a half ago. It was a totally stressful and annoying day accompanied by a guy whose sole purpose in life seemed aimed at making mine a living a hell. That's over. But every time I hurt it, it takes a day or two to recover. Pretty quick, if you ask me. At least I can play sports regularly. But it's not a very positive indication for my long-term health.

Anyway, I feel sad most of the time because I refuse to see a doctor. MRI's and X-rays galore to determine the extent of damage to my ACL and medial meniscus. If I want to play sports with less of a fear for reinjury, then I'd need surgery. After that, physical therapy. The doctors paid by the U.S. government also don't care very much for their patients... leaving personalized healthcare something to be desired. The bills won't stop if I pursue treatment. So, I put it off because my parents don't need that burden right now. Sadly the question becomes: what happens in the future when I get diagnosed with arthritis because of constant reinjury? Healthcare costs will pile up and the cure will not be as simple as surgery. But maybe, at least, I'll be able to afford my own insurance by then.

My fear of seeking healthcare is not a unique plight. Thousands of people won't seek medical treatment because of unreasonably high medical costs. But on this issue, there are thousands of people who won't seek medical treatment as a direct result of low education levels and socioeconomic status. Some simply don't know what resources are available to them and what can be done for their medical problems. They're afraid of the costs, they live in neglected neighborhoods, their children are accustomed to a lower quality of life. Treatments used for the general public sometimes are not as effective for minority populations. We are all different, after all, and respond to medical treatment differently.

Incidentally, there is a wealth of therapeutic and medicinal knowledge available, but so many groups of people are left uncared for. People need to be educated, healthcare costs need to be lowered, and minority treatment research needs to increase.

The Plane Ticket Home

After some heavy decision making, I delayed my flight home in order to attend REDbird's Leadership Development Camp. Paid US$100 (yikes) for the change fee.

I'm missing a week long snowboarding trip to Lake Tahoe and discarding the option of going to Myanmar for a service trip in January. They were both wonderful opportunities and the consideration that went into delaying my flight or going snowboarding/Myanmar was just too much stress on me. I've wanted to go snowboarding for as long as I can remember (Thanks, Johnny Tsunami.) and a week at Lake Tahoe isn't something that gets offered to you every year. Myanmar was an amazing service opportunity at an affordable rate thanks to REDbird's Financial Aid subsidies (US$300 for one week). And I'm missing them both...

There were a ton of factors that led to the decision. Too many. And too annoying to type out. So I'll spare you.


This winter's line up of exams and events:

Dec. 11 (final exam) Inorganic Chemistry
Dec. 13 (final exam) Physical Chemistry: Fundamentals & Applications
Dec. 14 (final exam) Introduction to Computer Programming
(final exam) Introduction to Biochemistry
Dec. 17 (final exam) Health Psychology
Dec. 21 First time advent to LKF (?)
Dec. 22-24 REDbird Leadership Development Camp (in the HK countryside of Sai Kung)
Dec. 25 CALIFORNIA, HERE I COME!
Dec. 27 Fullerton College Honors Alumni Reunion (maybe)
Dec. 27-Jan. 1 Church Semi-annual training in Anaheim

Feb. 7 Spring Semester starts! My winter holidays are ridiculously long ;D

NOTE: Although I find it exasperating and tiresome to have overly strict and overprotective parents, I know that it is a blessing from God in disguise. They made me who I am. And with that, I have the determination to become a better person.

*******
EDIT: OH MAN. I just realized... LESS THAN A MONTH UNTIL FINALS. LET THE STRESSING COMMENCE.

Pep Talks

One thing I love about playing sports is motivational pep talks. Imagine half time. Your team is the underdog. And the scores are looking dismal. Morale is low.

Let's face it, good sports movies are all about these moments. In sports, nobody ever stops fighting the good fight. The coach is expected to give the pep talk of your lives at half time.

One of two scenarios subsequently ensues. You either fight for the comeback and have a glorious win or you fight for the comeback and lose by a few points.

The latter situation, at least in my opinion, is still a win.

Yes, please.

It's time to work hard and play hard. Right now, library. REDbird later tonight. Adventure time tomorrow. Church on Friday. And a potential adventure on Saturday. Studying and doing work in between! Plus a good therapy jog every now and then.

Korfball (Week 1)

First, there was basketball. Then the Commonwealth nations had Netball. Then there was Korfball. Korfball, as you can imagine, is not nearly as well known as any of the aforementioned two sports.

Well, after hearing about Korfball at Saturday's basketball competition against HKU, I decided I should check it out. Being in Hong Kong, playing basketball isn't exactly deviating from the United States experience. Sure, I'm dealing with language difficulties, but basketball itself is a large part of our shared international cultures.

Ergo, Korfball. Just to try something different. And I figured what the heck, the variation shouldn't be that different from basketball. The differences are subtle and because of such, it could potentially affect my basketball training negatively. Nonetheless, Korfball was interesting, and per the nature of the game, the locals were very friendly. Also, Korfball is intentionally a "mixed-gender" game, where the team is composed of 4 men and 4 women which made it kind of fun and light-hearted. It's a non-contact sport without a backboard and freedom to shoot from 360 degrees around the 3.50 meter high hoop (basketball is 3.05 meters high). Another difference between Korfball and Basketball, is you can't dribble or run with the ball. You also can't take a shot if you are being guarded well so you really have to use strategics to get you or your teammate open for a shooting opportunity.

Will I return next week? I'm leaning towards it.

I still craaaave Ultimate. And Volleyball...

13 Nov 2010 - HKUST Women's Basketball vs. HKU

INEPTITUDE!

It's that time of month. And yes, that is what I am referring to. Symptoms vary from female to female, but there are some commonly shared traits to the condition that play out in different ways. For me, it's:

1. Extreme laziness
2. Inability to fit into my favorite pair of jeans
3. Soreness
4. Insatiable need to eat
5. Unwillingness to leave my room
6. Over-sensitivity

Here's an illustration for your convenience:

Luckily, I don't get very cranky or moody (cough)... But I do find that there is a great reduction in my motivation to be physically active.

Being a woman is so inconvenient sometimes. I mean, guys are so lucky! What with their evolutionarily endowed physical prowess. Sigh.

I even felt like quitting basketball for a moment. But for me, quitting is like setting myself up for depression later on. Seriously, I need to stop being lazy. Back to the books for me!

Also, I enjoyed communitychannel's latest (minus the foul language):

Halloween (FPS Style)

MIDTERMS are a part of the college student's conventional experience. Without facing these, you can never say you received a formal education. MIDTERMS are like the pestering mini-bosses that are just as difficult to face as the big bosses near the end of the game (FINALS).

Speaking of games... and the obscured topic of Halloween, I've never been good at First Person Shooter games. They stress me out to no end. I can't handle when things with distorted facial symmetry and decomposing skin jump out at me on the screen while I'm focused on hitting a target that's probably too far out of range for me to hit anyway.

For example, I'll be over at a friend's house and, with an enhanced sense of self-efficacy, I'll ask to have a try. And it'll go something like this for about three minutes:

And then something like this would happen:

... which typically leaves me in a state of distress and panic.

And you know what else leaves me in a state of distress? Halloween frenzies. Locals celebrate Halloween in Hong Kong (in contrast to China, where Halloween doesn't exist) and so there were parties and haunted houses hosted by our house society. The haunted houses here weren't that mind-blowing by virtue of being operated by students alone. But still. I can't even stomach scary movies like The Fourth Kind that well. Let alone The Ring.

Anyhow, I usually have bad experiences with haunted houses and highly stressful situations because I imagine awful parallels between these and FPS role playing. I start imagining myself running through a dark corridor with "RELOAD" flashing across my field of vision. But worse since I can feel things grab at me and I can feel the full effects of declining health. Now, you may think I'm exaggerating. But it's really what I think about. The worst thing is knowing it's fake but screaming anyway because I'm easily startled. For a case like this, switching to another player (like a boyfriend? or someone walking ahead of you) comes in handy. But IRL such an option isn't available. And sometimes my boyfriend enjoys watching my distress.

Digression aside, time to face the recently respawned COMP102 mini-boss. RELOAD.

P.S. here are some pictures you should probably just disregard.

P.P.S. Sucking at FPS roles does NOT mean I fail at other games.

Thank you for your attention.

Love and Religion

"I love you."

After all these years, I still don't know what Love is. Surely I have a better idea than I did during my high school days. But even now, I have had so many different ideas and contemplations about it, I still don't really know.

I haven't blogged about it in a while so I guess I'll take a shot at it for my own benefit, of course.

Last night, I dreamed I was going to get married. Then before the wedding, I called it off, advocating for my youth (I was 19 in my dream) and fearing that the love was not strong enough, it was too soon, and that the only reason the marriage was happening was because of what comes with it - "consummation." The funny thing is that my parents and the rest of the world was okay with the marriage proposal. This is in contrast to my not-so-urgent fears for the future (concerns such as parents, culture, and the biggest thing: God). Somehow none of those surfaced, and it was me who painted the issue.

Ultimately, it came down to the fear that love wasn't real.

My dreams have been all over the place and scary these days - in the morning, I gain consciousness in a sudden matter by opening my eyes and realizing I was dreaming. And this last dream had me thinking a bit too much. I guess I haven't blogged about "love" for a while because I've always thought that thinking about these things too early in my current relationship will ruin the progression of love. I mean, if I keep thinking about what it should be (patient, kind, does not envy, [...] forever.), then I'll be forever unsatisfied and everything would be unnatural. A sly piece of aphorism: "Love takes time." No need to rush into what it should or shouldn't be, right? Or wrong? Or what? Need I a little faith?

...

I used to blog endlessly about the great blessings God has given to me - my struggle with serving Him and loving Him - my tendency to be lukewarm. But all in all, I loved God and I was sure that He was Love. Am I still sure?

I've kept it so hidden.

But guys, I'm coming out of the closet.

NO, not THAT closet.

I've never believed in religion. I think it's paired too often with narrow-mindedness. You could never find greater, objective Truth if you had "religion." So I never considered myself a religious person. I have morals, beliefs, value in virtue, and general self-constraint. But not religion.

But when you ask me about God, I believe in Him. And I swear to you, the most difficult and probably darkest times in my life were when I doubted his existence six years ago. I don't ever want to go back. But these days... the feeling... the faith... the spiritual fire... the hope for Light in the world... that general sense of something greater I once felt - where has it gone? I can only hold on to the knowledge that I have felt these things at one point in my life.

My appetite for God is fading. And when that appetite fades, I begin to wonder how the God we imagine could exist in our forsaken society. In prayer, holding on to faith has been the most difficult part of my journey through life. And I honestly believe this is an issue many Christians, especially those who grew up as Christians, struggle with. Why not explore other religions? Because, as I have said, they are just religions and I have never believed in religion. Do I believe in Confucius? Yes, I believe he existed and that he has shared vast amount of wisdom regarding the human soul, but I don't think that he is God. What about Allah? The concept of multi-deities? Hinduism? Animism? Or why not just believe in evolution and the scientific thought that life appeared by chance chemical reactions that propelled the entropy of the universe?

Please forgive me 'when I refuse holding to these (which is different from tolerating or understanding) because I know I have experienced God at some point in my life. And that there was a point I saw Him as the ultimate Truth and the ultimate meaning of Love.

It's just that society paints over Truth with Religion, and Love with Lust, Sex-Appeal, and Obsession. Unless you can peel under all of that, it's really difficult to understand what Truth and Love really is. I'm just so confused and unsure now of what to believe... or maybe it's not what but HOW to believe in the what. Religion is the answer to how. But worrying about that how part just seems to be the biggest problem I have with religion. I mean, not to bash but the Roman Catholic Church has some crazy rituals/traditions that really don't make any sense and don't bring anyone closer to Truth OR God.

... So I have digressed about religion.

Let me talk about love once more. Though I must admit, religion is a much more engaging topic.

In the past, I've written about Love in terms of God. How I learned how to love just by loving God. I've written about Love in terms of soulmates and how I've always wanted to believe in the idea of another half. I've written about trust being staple in a loving relationship. I've contemplated the caveats of confusing being "in love" and "loving" someone, lusting versus loving, caring versus committing, saying things that you don't mean, what have you.

Have I ever admitted to myself, by blog, where I ultimately have conversation with myself and reflect on my nuisance emotions, that I was in love? Not really.. Have I always been so engrossed in self-interest, ambition, self-redemption, seeking an idea and feeling of love rather than allow love to come naturally? Probably... How do you know what love is? How does one even BEGIN to comprehend the idea of romantic, real, and true Love all in one? I can perform the action of loving. But will the motivation behind it be love? Crap, I'm beginning to confuse myself.

I'm just gonna let it come naturally.

(Not THAT naturally.)

Let time work it's magic.

"I love you."

So why do I say it if I'm not 100% sure what Love, the objective idea of it at least, really is?

I say it because I have faith I really mean it. I say it because nothing else, past or present, compares to the way I feel about him. I say it because I love him mentally, emotionally, and yes physically. My mind can't thrive without him (though of course, more intellectual conversation would fuel my intellectual attraction). My emotions seek comfort and solace in his voice and his words of encouragement when I'm down. And I can't wait to hug and kiss him again in two months on my return to California. And yeah, I'm pretty certain it's also a two-way street. His love is a staple to my happiness and my hope for the future.

So in a Dawson's Creek-esque conclusion or not-really conclusion since I've contradicted myself more than once in this entry. Though I fear for the future, though I don't want to wait for the answer to all of my uncertainties ... everything that's here now, everything that I think, believe, and feel... means love to me now.

So open up your morning light

and say a little prayer for right.

You know that if we are to stay alive,

then see the love in every eye.

/ end really long rant /

Liberation from Facebook

I never realized how sinister Facebook truly was.

Until I stopped logging on and checking it every fifteen minutes.

Suddenly I have more time for things. Suddenly I have the motivation to cut down my 1600m time. Suddenly my mind is more focused when I study.

It's weird how I came to depend on Facebook so much. Not only for social networking but for self-esteem, for a cure to boredom centered around stalking people, and for painting an image for myself not backed by actions. It wasn't an addiction, no I was never at that level. But it's something I could definitely learn to live without. Granted, Facebook is a way to maintain some of my more meaningful relationships but more often than not, it turns into the only way I choose for maintenance. And it certainly is no way to develop meaningful relationships.

Anyway, I'm truthfully having feelings of withdrawal and it's pretty pitiful when I automatically input the "facebook.com" URL only to remember I can't even log on. But like all kinds of therapy, my cure from technology dependence is going to take some time.

Technology can change a lot of things. Including our ability to form meaningful relationships with people. Like how people text instead of make phone calls, email instead of write, phone instead of see each other in person, network instead of make friends. On the flip side, like all two-edged swords, used in the right way, technology can make bonds so much stronger.

Notwithstanding - living without Facebook is actually a pretty fun challenge. And now time for some endorsement! (Yeah right, as if anyone reads this.). Two videos from Wong Fu Production's series, Technology Ruins Romance. They also did a series in Hong Kong, so check them out. :)

Musically Deprived Type A

The language thing is seriously starting to depress me. I'm always confused on the basketball court. And it's profoundly affecting my game. I'm really good at owning up on the court if I know exactly what to do and what my teammates expect from me, but communication is such a huge obstacle. I know a few court phrases and terms while every other word and coherent sentence zooms past me in chunks of fury. I can't understand what's being said to me at crucial moments which today resulted in Andrea's very few minutes of game time. I'm starting to hate how slow the learning process is. But learning two languages on top of studying subjects like physical and inorganic chemistry? While at the same time, adjusting to a new culture, trying to stay fit, finding your footing in student societies, and searching for a place you belong?

Today's match results were dreary: Poly U won with 7x - 1x. I don't mind actually... It's funny - for the most part of my life, I've been at nerd schools where athletics aren't highly promoted and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's like how guys playing basketball or volleyball or running track catch my attention but how a guy could only be attractive to me if they were very intelligent - and not just academically. I'd never trade intellect for athleticism. Anyway, since I didn't get a lot of playing time, I felt like I wasted a day of studying before midterms and it didn't feel all that relaxing. But at least I got this pretty picture of a butterfly? moth? ... bug. Such beauties are hard to find in California.

At home, if I had an urge to pick up a guitar, look up some chords, and strum a tune, I had the wonderful liberty to. Today, Old Faithful, Yamaha, and Takamine are 7,000 miles away from me. I miss them. It's like there's this big gaping cavern in my soul that just can't be filled by upbeat acoustic songs in my music player, even if that music player was a gift from Hieu and my friends. I don't have any clue what kind of crazy train of thought freak of an accident I had that convinced me that I didn't need to bring a medium for musical outlet. Sigh. I'm not even that good at guitar. But it does kill me that I could be learning songs to get better. I neeeed stress relief NAO.

Dear Hippocampus,

I know that you don't like stress hormones. I know that you will shrink if you receive more cortisol. I'm so very sorry. I'll try to be more of a Type B personality. It doesn't seem very hard, I guess. I hope you'll put up with me through these trying times. Please don't make me stupid or unable to remember things by becoming smaller as I age. I need my cognitive abilities! Also, pleeeeaaaaase help me learn Cantonese faster.

Kthxbye!

P.S. I do care about you! I am trying to consume more Vitamin E and A and omega-3 fatty acids. Also, I exercise the recommended amount each week. My resources are limited, but I make due!

Defeated

The days of defeated confidence are the days of defeated performance.

Once again, I've got this dismal feeling of not being able to achieve what I know I'm fully capable of. Sure, I should just play basketball for the love of the game but maybe I want too badly to do better. Sure, I should study for the pure love of knowledge but maybe I just want too badly to enhance my CV and resume for medical school. They say life is a balancing act, but it's just so much easier to fall into the net. That, or just learn how to fly. But we all know human anatomy can't facilitate avian flight.

My performance at practice today was sub par. My knees have been killing me lately. Thinking so much about midterms and all this pressure I put on myself. Thinking about how much I miss my boyfriend, friends, and family. How badly I want to learn Cantonese so that I don't need a translator every time Coach coaches the team. I know the teammates don't mind but this dependence is eating me up on the inside. If I could devote a couple of months to just learning the language--never mind the academics--if only, if only.

I'll be screwed if I keep this mindset. My confidence started out low when I came here. But I set out here to find that confidence. And find it I shall. I've got to tone down thinking about myself so much, too. There's too many amazing people in my life~ and I should learn to honestly invest in friendship and love more.

P.S. I miss you so much Hieu :'(.

... and of course, the family!

Snaps

I dunno. My room is way messy.

Our AC is finally working but the weather is cooling down rapidly.

My leg muscles are freaking soreeeeeeeee.

And my stress index is kind of high.

I really need to find confidence and control in my life.

Also, I wish I could sing all my problems away.

left: environmental art displayed in Atrium, right: view from HKUST Library

Sunday morning snapshots of the West side of Hong Kong island

Sheung Wan MTR Station, tram ride, Indonesian food, and Sunday city goers

Humility

How do you differentiate between confidence and arrogance? What about humility and pride?
I thought being true to yourself was supposed to be easy.

On another note, so much good quality fun these days~ ^o^
Can't believe how awesome basketball has become. Good friends have really helped make my adjustment much easier.

Must work harder, though. Mid-terms in two weekssss! It doesn't help that my brain is working overtime in other areas as well (motor skills, languages, memorization, etc). Can't wait to learn how to maximize brain capacity from REDbird, lol.

FAQs and Idiosyncrasies

1. Where are you from?
   Born and raised in Southern California. Been there my whole life and I'm essentially monolingual.
   My parents, on the other hand, were born and raised in the Philippines. My mother met my father in the United States while she was studying there. I am Filipino-American and do not know Tagalog. I understand bits and pieces. I'm embarrassed by this fact.
   
   
2. Why did you come to Hong Kong UST?
   Three reasons.
   Scholarship - It would have cost more money in terms of living expenses and travel costs to attend a UC despite my California residency. So why not invest money in something that will make me stand out?
   Deviance - My path is unconventional. I'm the type to choose unconventional paths. Conformity is for pansies.
   Internationalization and Global Competitiveness - I've always wanted to study overseas. This is my chance for real international exposure and lessons in independence and personal development. It's a test of my adaptive abilities and how far I can push the limits of my capacities.
   
   
3. What's your major? Why?
   Chemical and Bioproduct Engineering. Hopefully minoring in Biology. I want to apply to medical school in the U.S. I'm looking at the medical scientist training program at University of Illinois, Chicago. Or UCLA. Yeah, I like UCLA, too. :) There's always engineering and research if I change my mind about medicine but whatever I end up doing, I want to make health-enhancing differences in the lives of others.

Those are the three most frequently asked questions I get here in Hong Kong.

Yet I'm sitting here realizing more and more what my underlying motives are... this advent in Hong Kong is essentially a quest for self-worth. During my years in high school, I lacked so much confidence. Confidence which could have helped me achieve the things I had the potential for. I started out in ninth grade with so much of it (potential). I was a track star, a good writer, reasonably intelligent, and well-liked. But it changed somewhere along the lines. I had a fall out with Life. And it's mostly because I didn't think I was good ENOUGH, because there was always someone better than me, and because I needed emotional validation--something which I have always lacked (flash quick notice to the way I was raised and -ahem- my parents).

The road to recovery has been long. My motivation is an internal one. I only have things to prove to myself and coming so far, I can't stop now.

When will the desire for accomplishment stop? When I graduate from HKUST after being accepted to a medical program? When I finally get my mile time under seven minutes? When I finally get first place recognition in a track competition? When I'm a starter on the basketball team? When I can comfortably provide a good life for myself and my parents? ... Do I have a perpetual inferiority complex? Will the need to do better ever stop?

I've been warned on and off by people that life is too short to be constantly chasing after ambitions. That I should expend my energy on people in my life that matter. Otherwise, they will pass out of your life and that will be your biggest regret in the end. For example, academia is a career field that never stops. The acting head of the CBME department has had many traumas in his family life because of his internationalized and travel-based career. And it's not uncommon to hear about the poor family lives of doctors so don't get me started.

If I don't slow down, will I never share blissful happiness with that special someone?

Will I ever have that magic moment where I feel infinite and the world with all its worries and cares no longer matters to me?

Is there such thing as happily ever after?

Andrea's List of Qualities a Boyfriend Must Have

/* He must be able to understand the geek references and basic C++ syntax contained in the following list and see the humor in it despite the obvious programming errors (e.g. undeclared identifiers, syntax problems, etc.) */

#include<iostream>
#include<near.impossible.female.standards>
#include<not.really>

int calc, t, dating, marriage, brain_RAM, brain_HDD;
double Height, Age, my_Age;

int main( ) {

1. He must be able to handle calculus of multivariable in brain_RAM; //bonus hotness if he can do differential equations
2. be able to recall the molecular masses of hydrogen through oxygen from brain_HDD;
3. and be able to calculate the distance x a cannonball will land given the force it was shot with, length of cannon, angle shot from, and height of cannon from the ground.;
   
   
4. He must have taken college-level courses from psychology or philosophy (and have Asian-acceptable grades in them);
5. be able to sustain Socratic conversations about ( books || ideas || current_events ) for t >= 0.5; // t is in hours
6. and play a musical instrument.; //extra sexy kudos if he can sing
   
   
7. He must be athletic or very active;
8. agree that for (int dating = 0; dating < marriage; dating++) {
   cout << "No sex.";
   }; // if this were a RL program, it would be more complicated.
   cout << woohoo; //And it wouldn't be an infinite loop.
9. be consistent with his moral+ethical values and spiritual beliefs.;
   
   
10. (double) Height > (double) 1.6; //meters
11. (double) Age >= (double) my_Age;
12. He must be my Part-Time Lover and Full-Time Friend; // <3
13. He must be a foodie BUT ( != obese && != fat ) ;
14. He must recognize the value of the Mark Twain maxims: "Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one's watching, and live like it's heaven on earth.";
    

}

P.S. I will probably rewrite this to my satisfaction someday when I have time to be more clever. Which will probably be never.
P.P.S. I don't like having to write in HTML entities.
P.P.P.S. I've only learned two weeks worth of C++, so gimme a break, yeah?

Foreigner

What's wrong with sitting next to a foreigner?

Sometimes I find myself sitting in class early before people come in to take their seats. After the class begins, I find myself with an empty seat next to me. This often makes me sad and sometimes prods at my self-confidence.

Recently, I had a talk with a REDbird trainer who grew up in Canada. She shed some light on the gap between mixing internationals and locals. Often, if a person isn't confident with their English, they find it difficult to talk to the international students. Many students, after all, with strong English background end up studying overseas. So students who are not so confident end up going to HKUST and subsequently are uncomfortable with the high number of exchange students and foreigners like myself. They of course won't leave their comfort zone and go out of their way to practice English. And as long as there is the lingual gap, there is also the illusion of the cultural gap, which heightens a sense of the need to stay within your own circle.

I think my adjustment period here brings to light an important take-home point. That "foreigners" isn't limited to someone who's from a different country and speaks a different language. It refers to people who are generally different from what we are used to. This sort of thing happens everywhere! In the USA, Canada, and elsewhere. When the Filipinos, Vietnamese, or Chinese first immigrated to Southern California, they all experienced a sense of discomfort from their communities. After all, why should someone be forced to accept a new culture and way of thinking? Why should someone be forced to try to communicate with people who were so limited in their English abilities?

But change that way of thinking and ask.. why should you alienate the person who is different when you don't even know that person completely? Can't you learn something new from someone that's different from you? New perspectives. Reach out to people. I personally think it makes the world a better and friendlier place.

I gotta be honest, though, stepping out of my comfort zone has definitely been HARD!

International Student Survival Points

It's been a month since my arrival at HKUST. Three months left until my holiday break back in California! I miss you, baby!! [DEC23]

1. Keeping home close to your heart.
People say that home is where the heart is, but sometimes people might take this phrase too literally. Maybe people think that the physical place where we come back to at the end of a long day at work is the place where our heart resides. But nobody reminds us that home is something we can carry with us. Home is love, memories, and thoughts for and from the people we care about most.

I just received an USPS express package from my boyfriend. Granted, it also included trancripts which I needed to complete my credit transfer of courses... but it in addition included the gifts he was planning on giving me for our seven months together. I didn't think it was going to be so amazing! I was excited, yes, but when I actually had it in my hands, I felt like... well, a woman. What I mean by that is... (1) he sent the stuff by express which is the most expensive but fastest shipping option, (2) the necklace and bracelet items seemed to cost more than should be expected for a "monthsery"/birthday present. It's not the material objects persay that make me happy, it's the "thought" that counts. The fact that a man is willing to invest his hard-earned money in a girl would make that girl feel pretty dang special. Perhaps this is the root of why women love jewelry so much? To answer your question, baby, yes of course I would wear the random jewelry you give me--but only because it's from you and not because I particularly like jewelry. I'm always going to be a tomboy at heart.

2. Find the culture & leave your comfort zone.
Perhaps the most debilitating phenomenon that occurs here at HKUST is that internationals stay with internationals, locals stay with locals, and mainlanders stay with mainlanders. This of course antagonizes the whole idea of internationalizing the campus. People coming here will claim that they want to be exposed to different cultures, but simple exposure just doesn't seem to cut it for me. If you're in a different country for any period of time, it benefits you to not only learn the language but make an attempt to close the gap between the cultures. I have a high tolerance for when people speak different languages around me and this helps others feel comfortable around me. These bonding events for the HKUST Female Basketball Team (comprised mostly of locals) are my favorite examples:
a) Hong Kong Style BBQ
Hong Kong style BBQ is like campfire time in the United States, but better than American BBQ and campfire combined. At least, in my opinion. Imagine cooking your own sausages, fish/pork/shrimp/beef balls, chicken breasts, cuttlefish, pork ribs, corn, and zucchini over an open pit. Before the food is finished, you baste your food items in honey and leave it over the fire for some time so that it becomes glazed. Then, consume to your hearts desire! A spin-off of the Western "S'more" for desert: egg-honey bread glazed with honey and toasted marshmallows in between. The bread itself is just plain delicious. I shall have to introduce this to my friends in America. Maybe at the next CA bonfire.
b) Pictionary [In Chinese]
You'd think that you don't really need words for games like Pictionary and Charades so it's the perfect cross-cultural game. WRONG! Chinese characters alone have different meanings, then when placed with another character creates a whole different word. In a sense, it's a little easier than English Pictionary. But it's also harder. During my turn to draw, my teammates would sometimes know the word but not know the English translation and so I would never know if they knew what I was drawing about. Also, many of the Pictionary translations were so weird. The English word "BIND" was translated from the literal Chinese characters for "Suffocation". "LAP" was "Knee". And Chinese people don't even use the word "POTTY". Yeah, it was still incredible seeing the cultures come together! And hilarious fun.

3. Think carefully about roommates & student societies.
I am so fortunate to have a nice roommate who's willing to talk to me and be my friend! She doesn't have any disagreeable qualities and we get along very well. One thing you should make sure of when you get settled: if you don't think you can have a peaceful year with your roommate, swap out!!! It will prevent your life from unnecessary stress. I was lucky enough to have a nice roommate... honestly, I wouldn't have the guts to ask for a swap.

Snow and I tried out DANSO but in the end decided we both didn't have time for it so we didn't sign up for November's performance recruitment. Which brings me to another point, be forward thinking before you join societies or clubs. You need to learn how to allocate your time and if it's your first year, those grades are, believe it or not, important. No overloading! Do things that are beneficial to you in the long run. I chose to keep active and fit through Basketball Society; develop my leadership, self-image, and service through the REDbird Award Program; and keep an academic edge through the Chemical and BioMolecular Engineering Student Society.

And here's the choreography:

And oh yes: PufferFish!!

Listening to: Owl City - The Saltwater Room

Hong Kong's Mid-Autumn Festival

Okay, I should totally be scolded for being a hermit during the Mid-Autumn Festival. I'm apprehensive of social interaction. Just kidding.

Whilst my midday nap, I evaded an invitation to see the Dragon Dance at Victoria Park with a Canadian exchange student (Matt) from my Health Psychology class. After the evasion, I considered showering before leaving my room for dinner but decided against it. Then I ran into another group of friends, my fellow Hall III internationals, and ate with them in the canteen until they invited me to see Hong Kong island. I avoided this invitation after running into a Malay friend (Sean Sean) who invited me to eat with their group. Later, I found out that Sean Sean was also going with the other Malays out for a night on the town. It seemed there was no escape. Someone lent me some travel money and the next thing I knew I was on my way to the city with a large group of twenty other students (comprised mostly of BBA, Finance, and Accounting students). Regrettably, I did not have my camera and I had left my dorm room with the shorts I was planning to sleep in, bed hair, and a backpack with study materials.

As an immediate consequence of not having a camera, I resorted to my Sony Ericsson Elm camera phone which produced okay quality photos. But the atmosphere at the carnival called for technology beyond that which such a machine could offer. So next year I'll hopefully be more prepared for friends dragging me out of my shell of a dorm life.

The crowds were ridiculous in Hong Kong. And with thousands of people on the street, I couldn't help but feel small and insignificant. The city carnival was in fact mostly for families and couples and people who just wanted to see and take pictures. I was feeling more alone than usual. I felt that it didn't matter how crowded a place was if only I had Hieu holding me and making sure I would never get lost. It didn't matter how many people there were, I would still feel important to someone and that's enough for me. It seems that finding love in a city like Hong Kong is a one in a million, hit or miss, chance--especially for someone like me. Which, of course, makes me realize how much of a blessing it is to have somebody to love. Someone to miss. Someone to care about. Someone that makes you feel like yourself when everything around you is going wrong. My only thought is... one day. One day, Hieu and I will share even more amazing and unforgettable experiences together. But it'll have to wait.

The day before, I ate mooncakes with some dear sisters from church. Hall III also had a celebration and I made mooncakes!

Traditional moon cakes bewilder my American tastebuds.

Another thing... I really hate when people cuss. (I'm sorry if you ever read this Kevin.) Unfortunately, I never say anything about it anymore. I don't protest against cuss usage like I did in high school. You see, I don't have anything against Kevin since he was really friendly and helped me avoid getting lost in the heavy crowds. It was also a relief to find someone I could relate to and could speak and understand English with high proficiency. However, cussing is a personal distaste of mine. And it saddens me that "Americanized" locals would cuss so much. Because there's much to say about how senseless American culture is... we could really afford to expand our vocabulary.

The Department of Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering at HKUST

CBME is getting more internationalized by the year. Although I am a first year student with no Cantonese or Chinese-speaking background, I volunteered to help out during Outreach Day. It was difficult because students kept talking to me in Cantonese. Maybe it's because I look Asian and if you're not careful you'll make a blunder and mistake me for a local. But once I open my mouth to talk, you'll notice my American Western accent and scoff. I kid. But anyway, it was great getting to know a few of the department's faculty... namely acting head, Dr. McKay, professors: Dr. I Ming Hsing, Dr. Barford, and visitng professor: Dr. Carol Lin.

The thing I loved most about this day was explaining the setup for our miniature sample of a microreactor. It was so amazing to see high school students interested in it and listening intently. They were asking questions out of pure intellectual curiosity. Kudos to HK students who want to make a difference in society! I also got a free polo shirt. Hooray for free stuff! I'm proud to be in CBME. <3 In the upcoming years, look for me, I'll be a student ambassador.

Upcoming Post: FAQ

My Greatest Happiness

I suppose it's a good thing that I'm not taking that many pictures right now. But what good is living in the moment if you have nothing to show for it? I only seem to regret not taking enough pictures~ So, I'll try taking more interesting photos and asking to take pictures with interesting people.

Living in Hong Kong and having family and my love in the United States is like I'm living in two different worlds at one time. It's kind of tiring but at the same time, I don't care. My greatest happiness is being blessed enough to have someone to miss and a place to come home to.

The Starting Point

The Extraordinary

Those who regard the history of societies as the history of their great men, and think that these great men shape the fates of their societies, overlook the truth that such great men are the products of their societies.

In high school, I recall taking part in a Socratic seminar where I instigated a discussion on whether the heroism of a man was given simply as a product of the circumstances in which they were placed or whether that man possessed truly extraordinary qualities. In my opinion, men or women of character exist anywhere and anytime but if there are no circumstances in which to reveal such a person, he may never be great and remembered in the textbooks of learning or through the stories of tradition.

There are no great men, only great challenges that ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet.

The same can be thought on smaller scales. We must constantly challenge ourselves in order to reveal our true potential. If we remain in a stagnant and comfortable environment, we also will remain stagnant in growth and never know how much we can really accomplish.

That's the reason I'm here at HKUST. And although I'm homesick, how else am I going to test the limits of my abilities? I'm used to making friends instantly, but that was in my own territory. It was my nature to be sociable. Now I'm encountering cross-cultural and cross-lingual boundaries. This is surely one of the most difficult time periods of my life. Constantly questioning whether I'm going to be well-liked or even welcomed into friendships and societies. I'm encountering different learning strategies and difficult accents in class. The extracurricular choices are diverse. And intellectual conversation, something which serves as both stimulation and motivation, in my own language is not to be found! I can't find a single soul I can truly relate to because of our language differences.

It boils down to one thing now: Adaptation.

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.

In another example to this concept of circumstances revealing hidden attributes: my relationship with my boyfriend. At the beginning of our relationship, I never imagined we would be the way we are now. I never imagined that I could feel so much love for someone. And I never imagined he, as a person, would be so loving. I have always believed that Hieu remains sincere to his emotions at all times but even so I'm hesitant to accept the happiness at hand. That boy is truly full of surprises and he makes me feel so loved and so important. Maybe the idea of being apart prompted me to cherish him in such a way that wouldn't have happened if we had an average (local vs long distance) relationship. True, the distance has made my love stronger so far, but it's only been two weeks. There's still a long way to go. To this, I will keep hoping for out future. Circumstances over time will reveal love in many ways.

Guerrilla Warfare: Insecurity

At the eve of their army's defeat, sectors divided up and fled. And the war still continues until they are extinguished. They lie in wait f0r me around every corner and in every advantageous spot possible. In battle, they are ruthless but small in numbers, never afraid of collateral harm to the citizens of my mind.

HKUST Course Selection

I'm getting such a headache from planning my courses at HKUST. This time around, I don't plan on packing my schedule with loads of classes so I'm trying to make sure I have adequate time to adjust. I need time for other things like my boyfriend, research, and prerequisites for med school and the curriculum is already very demanding as it is. Hours of planning = profound headache. I'm so freaking tired but I know the extensive planning will pay off in the end somehow. I just hope a lot of the courses I took at Fullerton College will transfer over for credit so I won't need to stress out too much about the math courses at UST.

I'm really looking forward to having fun there. But I'm having such a headache thinking about it. Ughhhh.

Hong Kong Visa "In Transit" -- FedEx

Movie of the week: Garden State.
Book of the month: MCAT Prep.

HKUST is pretty much official now. Unless the FedEx is actually a visa denial, in which case, I frown upon my life! I just found out that transferring to UC Irvine would take three years just because that's how the class scheduling is; absolutely ridiculous. I wonder if I should have backed up with UCLA Biophysics after all. Oh well, that's behind me. I'm going to Hong Kong anyway.

Before accepting HKUST's admission offer, I secretly wanted something decided for me. I secretly wanted an ultimatum to make my decision more dramatic. But I lucked out and had the best boyfriend in the world tell me that it was okay. There are obviously mixed feelings for him... I didn't get a promise that we'd be together for as long as my duration there, but I got the reassurance that I definitely meant enough to him that we would try. And that's all I can ask for.

Before word of the visa, I wanted something decided for me because I didn't want to be faced with a decision. I wanted to stop wavering back and forth between UC Irvine and HKUST. If it were denied, I still had a good alternative, academic career still possible, albeit harder to work for. If it were approved, then I could resume the process of aspiring towards a unique academic career. It's approved. And all the navigations are pointed to Hong Kong. Nothing even remotely says it was the wrong choice for me. I guess I'll find out when I get there.

I was inspired when I found out about the visa to get Skype's paid online subscription for SkypeOut. I even got an online phone number for SkypeIn! :)

Current issue: Mercury Insurance has full coverage for my car's damages (estimated $4,900), so that's good. But now the insurance companies are going to fight over liabilities. Need to call Mercury Insurance and give them my statement about what happened. Even though I'm confident nothing was my fault, I'm nervous.

The Definition of "Jaded"

"Jaded" is an emotional resignation to apathy. Because feeling nothing is better than having formerly felt.

The extremes are just too unpleasant.

Whimsical Wishes of a Female Friend

I like to pride myself in being pretty rational because I can control my emotional needs fairly well. But... sometimes... well, there's just something incomplete about my independence. There's still an innate and cynical belief that I will never be truly cared for by someone. That I will always be unhappy and uncertain of the reality of true love. Part of me needs security and something to hold onto when I'm feeling weak. There's still an emotional child within me that longs to have someone pay constant attention to my deficiencies and nurse me to health. I couldn't have such security served to me from my parents, so I look for it elsewhere. It's the part I believe can't be filled on your own, no matter how much you believe happiness and completeness have to be artificed by personal perspectives. It's the part that longs for love.

Was it really so fantastical to dream of someone where I am their last thought at nightfall and their first in the morning? When I asked if some kind of certainty could be offered to me like a phone call and me with the full faith that I wouldn't be let down... was it too much to ask? Do I need to lower my standards of Prince Charming just to be happy and secure where I am or is there a way I can truly share love?

Love isn't all about being happy all the time, but certainly it should be about having the confidence that you won't be let down? Having the confidence that false hopes won't be elevated? Knowing that someone is making the effort to show you their love? Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to be left with no choice. :O.. Sometimes I feel like this is all one cruel test. One thing I hate about myself is the level of energy and emotion I'm capable of putting into relationships. No, it's not too little. It's just... too much. For some reason, I'm feeling pretty jaded.

There are a few things I miss about high school. A feeling I was given by one person in particular. And that's the feeling of value. It may have been a delusion, but it was an awfully nice delusion. I miss being understood. I miss being around someone who could see through my smiles and outter persona, and detect the pain and lack of human companionship I felt because of day to day struggles.

There's always that one person I remember so clearly. So beautifully that our friendship or relationship, whatever it was, could not be looked back on without the whimsical wish of feeling that sense of comradeship and connection again. That sense of being the only two people in the world that could comprehend each other. I miss talking about everything from mundane topics to current events to bigger ideas about life. I miss talking about REAL THINGS. Ideas. It seemed as I grew older, I became more superficial and less real.

Maybe it's because as we grow older, we seem to find that outter happiness is the easier and swifter to obtain. Therefore, we seek outter happiness and abandon young, naive idealism.

Grated Princess Peach

So I went out to play volleyball with my housemates and the brothers at UCLA. It was the first time in a while and, as always, I tried to justify my deficiencies before the male gender by playing the helpless (aka damsel in distress) role. Examples: "I don't know how to play this!", "I don't want to stand here..", "I haven't played in a while." It's a defense mechanism; I hope no one finds it annoying. Everyone thinks I'm pretty decent at sports and even though I hadn't touched a volleyball for as long as I can remember, I still got compliments. Which brings me to talk more about the damsel in distress role and why even the most strong and independent of the female gender can fall prey to the complex.

First of all, it's an easy role to play. Acting helpless literally means you don't have to do anything or try very hard. And you can even throw in a bit of cuteness into it.

Second: In traditional stories, damsel in distress attracts the best and most prince charming-esque men. And we all know this knight in shining armor is a cultural icon for ROMANCE. Furthermore, it seems to attract attention. What girl wouldn't want attention and romance? Unless it's the wrong kind of attention. And a bad romance. (Rah-rah-ah-ah...)

Thirdly, it's a cop-out. I tend to shamelessly abuse my stereotypical role as a female to avoid a job. Sometimes it's nice to let men do all the work, you know. Even if you are fully capable of doing it yourself.

Last: There are many other points, but I'll mention this one. Society. Although the shifting dynamo of societal gender roles is apace, there is still residual influence. Girls are taught by the physical actions, not the passing of knowledge, of our peers, mentors, media and hollywood icons, and elders, that we must assume tasks more suited to our capacities. Homemaking, cooking, and childbirth. And oh yeah, let's not forget scanty visual stimulation for men. Knowledge and ideals, as we would have it, counteract all of this and help empower women. We are still, however, under a hazy influence because genetics and physiological differences are undeniable facts that the female stereotype was built upon.

Why the Damsel In Distress Complex is failing in modern society:

It's increasingly evident among my male companions that the helpless role is losing its beguile. People are starting to see through it and deem it unattractive. They want someone capable, intelligent (equal but not more intelligent), and trustworthy. These are qualities opposite to that of the traditional damsel.

Then we look to how society is changing and how more women are achieving more things. The traditional tomboy role is losing persecution and many capable women harbor a good amount of pride for their gender. Jane Eyre, one of my favorite classics, speaks wonders:

Women are supposed to be very calm generally: but women feel just as men feel; they need exercise for their faculties, and a field for their efforts as much as their brothers do; they suffer from too rigid a restraint, too absolute a stagnation, precisely as men would suffer; and it is narrow-minded in their more privileged fellow-creatures to say that they ought to confine themselves to making puddings and knitting stockings, to playing on the piano and embroidering bags. It is thoughtless to condemn them, or laugh at them, if they seek to do more or learn more than custom has pronounced necessary for their sex.

So why, despite the failing role of the damsel, do I fall prey to such a complex?

Conclusion: It's an easy way out of being a stronger person. Because strength and capability take work to maintain. Because being different is a lonely position and being helpless at least keeps you company. At least I'm realizing all this and I try to keep myself in check. I have my weaknesses, of course, just as any other person does. But I love the fact that I'm a science nerd and a geek. I love sports and being active; basketball, track, volleyball, ultimate frisbee. I love the admiration and respect I get when I tell people I'm an engineering major aiming for medical school. I love that my boyfriend would have me no other way: independent, rational, and active. No way am I going to hold to this route of escapism!

There is one last undeniable fact I would like to point out. Princess Zelda is just soo much hotter than Princess Peach.

The Secret Life of a Blogger

Introduction to this point in my life:

- Working at UCLA Biological Chemistry; Biomedical Sciences Research; Undergraduate Cancer Research Training partnership with Charles Drew University. This is currently my LIFE right now. Not taking classes or doing anything academic yet besides review before I start Fall classes.

- Got into a car accident recently, 7/12/2010. Will probably be blogging about the aftermath soon. I'm not the one at fault but hopefully the insurance companies agree to help pay for the damages, estimated at $4,900.

- Going to HKUST in the Fall, waiting for visa to be processed by the Hong Kong Immigration Department. I will be studying Chemical and Bioproduct Engineering. Definitely a high priority and it is the cause of much anxiety. My experiences abroad will be documented here and hopefully it will inspire many others to do something out of the ordinary.

"Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

- In a relationship with one of the best persons I could ever have had the privilege of loving, Hieu.

- Aiming for medical school. Who said I shouldn't dream? If not, then I will be continuing for a masters in Chemical or Bio Engineering.

- Up and down relationship with my family. In a financial rut. Trying to work hard so not to cause any more strain and maybe be able to help out in the future. But with that car accident... bleh. I just pray that everything turns out for the better.