I'm trying to find my own

I hate pulling that lone wolf kind of crap but I seriously feel... like a stranger these days. Save for the one or two people that have kept me company in the past week, everything else just seems so unbearable. I think I really try hard to meet people halfway. But (well it all may just be in my head) when I can't get there, I can't understand why people don't understand.

What can I do? Is it true that the best philosophy to living is to live it right now and enjoy it? Do I set my aspirations and dreams aside just so I can be happy in the now? What about the change I want to make in the world (albeit just the lives of a few people in need)? A life of constantly trying just seems to lead to a life of constantly trying. Who am I trying to be? Why? I want to be able to help others at the end of my journey but I also want to be happy and at peace with myself in the process. I just don't know how to pave the path that will be both.

The thing that set me off today: First of all, Thursday is my only sports day of the week.

But I just felt like I didn't belong anywhere. You think that the halls will try to include everyone but I can't even feel like I belong in my hall, where it wouldn't even be worth it to sit on the bench for the 3 v. 3 match because (get this) I was an international student. And apparently, international students have to be really exceptionally good at basketball to join (what?). I know Hall 3 has a really great female team (1/3 of the entire Women's Basketball Team is there, of which I am a member!) and you try to brush things aside and not feel hurt, but honestly... wtf (what the fudge)? Thank God I'm moving to Hall VI.

Then, during bball practice, I felt that not knowing Cantonese really prevented me from socializing with the team. I guess it's my responsibility to meet people halfway (as in I should learn Cantonese) but I really think the fact that I haven't given up is a credit to me!!! I know it's in my head, but I just feel so out of place. Usually I can brush it off, but not today!

When I was in primary school, I tried to join an outside league after having an interest in playing. After the first practice game, my dad told me, "You shouldn't be there. You're an embarrassment." Kill my spirit, why don't you? What was I supposed to do?! It was my first time being thrown into a game and the coach threw me in there despite my lack of experience! I really liked playing but how the heck did he expect me to make him proud when I didn't know how to play and I didn't know the forms, techniques, or tactics?!

But there are few out there who could understand the fragile psychology of my youth and my persistently low confidence.

After one week I quit the youth league and two years later, I tried out for the junior high school team and made it. Of course, my skills were still bleh but I really had an amazing coach that taught me all she could in the twelve short weeks of the season. At that time, I found out what it takes to be a basketball player and I hoped I could try out for the high school team in the next year. But, without further explanation, that's where my story ended. Sure, a few casual games here and there, but nothing meaningful.

And here, at UST, is where my story picks up. I can say with great comfort that I was able to stay because of a few special people I got close to (love polygon!): Because of Shin, who graciously translated what the coach was saying for me and helped me feel a lot more at home with the team; Amy, who has been an amazing teacher, explaining all the little things in gameplay I should start to pay attention to, and showing so much care; Da who constantly encourages me to play the game for the fun of it, because we love it and we can grow with others...

It's just the opportunity that allowed me to get to know the people in the "love polygon." I know it's not like the rest of the team purposely tries to make me feel out of place but it's just the situation I've been hurled into. Situational discomfort when people laugh after someone's made a joke and you don't understand it because it's in Cantonese and you having to force yourself to ask someone to translate just to feel included, but by the time you laugh, the joke has passed. Worse yet, people talk about you and you know it's not anything hurtful or against you, but there's just not enough time or effort to translate it. It just kinda sucks. What can I do though? Just keep at it, I guess.

The past hurts and the lessons you learn

So sadly I'm a victim of Disney and I believe in prince charming and happy endings. Well, sort of.

See, I messed up with the first guy I can count as a real love interest because of crazy depression issues. I had broken my knee and my track career had taken a downward turn. I felt like no one could understand me at the time and I didn't believe that even he did.

Then there was the person that understood me. And I lost him to jealousy, the green-eyed monster. I guess that speaks for itself.

Then there was my first boyfriend. What can I say? He didn't treat me like a princess. But we connected and could have done well as just friends. I guess you could say we went through the typical "make it to break it relationship." To be honest... I still feel bitterness that this relationship even happened.

The next was a traumatic hurt: Me being too nice to a guy who treated me like a princess that later became a crazy stalker...

The lessons I learned?:

• Self-pity is bad
  
• Jealousy is really a green-eyed monster
  
• End a relationship you don't see working out, seriously
  
• Any guy that treats you like a princess is a crazy stalker
• Never be "too nice"
  

Love and relationships.... Why must you constantly remind me there's such thing as the real world?

Long distance hurts

I've been thinking a lot in my spare time about how much long distance relationships hurt.

Throughout my life, I think these words have summed up what I've learned about love and relationships:

"Never be guided by love, be inspired by it.
Never be inspired by knowledge, be guided by it."

When I was making the decision for HKUST, I tried my best to not factor my boyfriend into the equation. In sight of my ambitions, in sight of the person I wanted to become, and in reflection of all the hurt and craziness I've been through. And now here I am, feeling the hurt that comes with missing someone you feel like you could share 'forever' with. Feeling the uncertainty that comes with the fact that people are constantly changing. Feeling the guilty thoughts about the easy way out of the 7,000 mile distance.

I see other couples and I think, how was I crazy enough to sacrifice the comfort of someone to hold me when I'm tired and when I feel like crying? I feel envious. I feel like I'm all alone when I'm not talking to him. But then I don't know who to turn to when he can't meet my emotional needs. There are less opportunities to create new memories with him. Less opportunities to spark the love again. Inherently, there's a feeling of missing out and a feeling of loss... I worry that he'll be different when I come back for the holidays and we won't have anything to share.

Still worse... It hurts when I can't be close to someone when they need comfort. I can't encourage that person to do better in school. I worry that he'll lose the inspiration and disregard the guidance to continue on. I worry that life's curve balls will come and it'll change things drastically without me around. It hurts that I can't take care of him when he's sick or I can't cook for him when I'm feeling romantic. It hurts I can't hold his hand when he's walking to class and feeling glum or lonely...

And then there are the fights. There are the trivial ones where we make up the next day or within a few hours. And the big ones that make me feel like the relationship's not worth it. The ones that make me re-think whether or not he's the right person.... In a way, it's like a normal relationship. But in another way, it's also very different. You can't rely on hugs or the sight of their eyes. You can't hear the full sincerity of the other's voice over the internet. You have to rely on your feelings. Your memories. Your belief in each other. It's taxing emotionally. And more than I'd like to admit.

There's also the good, though. But it's like a hurtful good. A painful one. In the end, if we make it the conclusion would be sweeter than anything I'd ever imagined. (Still, how do you know?) And knowing that he doesn't love me based only on physical attraction also makes me feel more secure; he loves me for who I am and what we share together. And, we get to live our independent lives in a way that's almost too healthy. Living apart from each other, I can share many more stories and have more to talk about (but that also leaves the question if we'll have much to talk about when we're finally together again?).

All in all, I can't forget that love and having someone there for you is a great blessing. Feeling special to another person is something that many people may not have.

Agh... love....sick


It would be lovely to visit a field of daffodils right now...

Permanent Facebook quit?

I'm thinking of permanently quitting Facebook.

You've heard it before from others. But I don't mean just deactivating it. I mean I want to start a revolution. I want to start with the man in the mirror and redefine happiness as something deep. Not shallow. Redefine recreation. Rediscover procrastination. Reinvent life.

It means taking a big (and I mean BIG) step to actually DELETE it, as opposed to mere deactivation. But the more I try to assess the situation, the more I realize how trapped I am despite all of the privacy issues arising due to the "evil Mark Zuckerman" and the procrastination which comes along for the ride.

First, Facebook and I go way back. That means all of my high school friends, peers, upperclassmen, and underclassmen are there. People who I share treasured memories with! What if I try to contact them again in the future? Will they have forgotten me? Will I even need to contact them in the future? I want to feel like I'm missed.

I would lose all of the contact information of the people I might want to contact again in my life. I would fall out of the public sphere and people who are searching for me would have to go through a painstaking route to contact me. For example, just recently, I tried to seek help and advice from a friend at UCLA. All I had to do was search his name and click "Send Message." Without Facebook, I'm not sure how else I would have gotten a hold of him. I would have to revolutionize the way I keep track of people and revert back to emails and more old-fashioned methods. Ways that people are not altogether used to. Thus, ways that would discourage people from interacting with me... hypothetically, of course. I want to feel wanted.

Second. Facebook is uncannily a large part of Hong Kong university culture. And suffice to say, it has improved my current network status and helped me adjust to life in Hong Kong. I now know more people and have even grown closer to people who I probably would not normally interact. What if I grow farther apart from them? Or does it mean I'll grow closer to them? When they become "memories," how else will I keep them in close contact? I want to feel a sense of belonging.

Third. How will quitting Facebook affect my long distance relationship? Will it make it better because our interactions will be more genuine (theoretically)? Will it make it worse because our relationship won't be announced in the public sphere and it'll be easier to slip away? I suppose either way, it wcould be an indicator of the sincerity of our love or lack thereof. Still, I want to feel like love means something in a public context.

Fourth: alienation. Being someone without a Facebook is a lot different from someone who doesn't use their Facebook often. It could potentially alienate me from the rest of the population. I guess the feeling might be akin to a starving artist or a salmon swimming upriver during mating season. Everyone would talk about what's going on on Facebook and I'd sit there dumbfounded, reminded of the fact that I quit Facebook just because I believed in a budding revolution. I honestly just want to feel a sense of belonging.

There are plenty more reasons why I feel trapped but the reasons currently listed take most of the cake. I'm still in the contemplation stages (oh no, this sounds like a model I learned in Health Psychology...). Writing it out, I've almost convinced myself (sosc200P again...). A serious farewell to Facebook seems like it's in the making.

It's only a click, a password, a captcha, another click, and a 14 day incubation period away....

https://www.facebook.com/help/contact.php?show_form=delete_account