Throughout my life, I think these words have summed up what I've learned about love and relationships:
"Never be guided by love, be inspired by it.When I was making the decision for HKUST, I tried my best to not factor my boyfriend into the equation. In sight of my ambitions, in sight of the person I wanted to become, and in reflection of all the hurt and craziness I've been through. And now here I am, feeling the hurt that comes with missing someone you feel like you could share 'forever' with. Feeling the uncertainty that comes with the fact that people are constantly changing. Feeling the guilty thoughts about the easy way out of the 7,000 mile distance.
Never be inspired by knowledge, be guided by it."
I see other couples and I think, how was I crazy enough to sacrifice the comfort of someone to hold me when I'm tired and when I feel like crying? I feel envious. I feel like I'm all alone when I'm not talking to him. But then I don't know who to turn to when he can't meet my emotional needs. There are less opportunities to create new memories with him. Less opportunities to spark the love again. Inherently, there's a feeling of missing out and a feeling of loss... I worry that he'll be different when I come back for the holidays and we won't have anything to share.
Still worse... It hurts when I can't be close to someone when they need comfort. I can't encourage that person to do better in school. I worry that he'll lose the inspiration and disregard the guidance to continue on. I worry that life's curve balls will come and it'll change things drastically without me around. It hurts that I can't take care of him when he's sick or I can't cook for him when I'm feeling romantic. It hurts I can't hold his hand when he's walking to class and feeling glum or lonely...
And then there are the fights. There are the trivial ones where we make up the next day or within a few hours. And the big ones that make me feel like the relationship's not worth it. The ones that make me re-think whether or not he's the right person.... In a way, it's like a normal relationship. But in another way, it's also very different. You can't rely on hugs or the sight of their eyes. You can't hear the full sincerity of the other's voice over the internet. You have to rely on your feelings. Your memories. Your belief in each other. It's taxing emotionally. And more than I'd like to admit.
There's also the good, though. But it's like a hurtful good. A painful one. In the end, if we make it the conclusion would be sweeter than anything I'd ever imagined. (Still, how do you know?) And knowing that he doesn't love me based only on physical attraction also makes me feel more secure; he loves me for who I am and what we share together. And, we get to live our independent lives in a way that's almost too healthy. Living apart from each other, I can share many more stories and have more to talk about (but that also leaves the question if we'll have much to talk about when we're finally together again?).
All in all, I can't forget that love and having someone there for you is a great blessing. Feeling special to another person is something that many people may not have.
Agh... love....sick
It would be lovely to visit a field of daffodils right now...
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