Halloween (FPS Style)

MIDTERMS are a part of the college student's conventional experience. Without facing these, you can never say you received a formal education. MIDTERMS are like the pestering mini-bosses that are just as difficult to face as the big bosses near the end of the game (FINALS).

Speaking of games... and the obscured topic of Halloween, I've never been good at First Person Shooter games. They stress me out to no end. I can't handle when things with distorted facial symmetry and decomposing skin jump out at me on the screen while I'm focused on hitting a target that's probably too far out of range for me to hit anyway.

For example, I'll be over at a friend's house and, with an enhanced sense of self-efficacy, I'll ask to have a try. And it'll go something like this for about three minutes:

And then something like this would happen:

... which typically leaves me in a state of distress and panic.

And you know what else leaves me in a state of distress? Halloween frenzies. Locals celebrate Halloween in Hong Kong (in contrast to China, where Halloween doesn't exist) and so there were parties and haunted houses hosted by our house society. The haunted houses here weren't that mind-blowing by virtue of being operated by students alone. But still. I can't even stomach scary movies like The Fourth Kind that well. Let alone The Ring.

Anyhow, I usually have bad experiences with haunted houses and highly stressful situations because I imagine awful parallels between these and FPS role playing. I start imagining myself running through a dark corridor with "RELOAD" flashing across my field of vision. But worse since I can feel things grab at me and I can feel the full effects of declining health. Now, you may think I'm exaggerating. But it's really what I think about. The worst thing is knowing it's fake but screaming anyway because I'm easily startled. For a case like this, switching to another player (like a boyfriend? or someone walking ahead of you) comes in handy. But IRL such an option isn't available. And sometimes my boyfriend enjoys watching my distress.

Digression aside, time to face the recently respawned COMP102 mini-boss. RELOAD.

P.S. here are some pictures you should probably just disregard.

P.P.S. Sucking at FPS roles does NOT mean I fail at other games.

Thank you for your attention.

Love and Religion

"I love you."

After all these years, I still don't know what Love is. Surely I have a better idea than I did during my high school days. But even now, I have had so many different ideas and contemplations about it, I still don't really know.

I haven't blogged about it in a while so I guess I'll take a shot at it for my own benefit, of course.

Last night, I dreamed I was going to get married. Then before the wedding, I called it off, advocating for my youth (I was 19 in my dream) and fearing that the love was not strong enough, it was too soon, and that the only reason the marriage was happening was because of what comes with it - "consummation." The funny thing is that my parents and the rest of the world was okay with the marriage proposal. This is in contrast to my not-so-urgent fears for the future (concerns such as parents, culture, and the biggest thing: God). Somehow none of those surfaced, and it was me who painted the issue.

Ultimately, it came down to the fear that love wasn't real.

My dreams have been all over the place and scary these days - in the morning, I gain consciousness in a sudden matter by opening my eyes and realizing I was dreaming. And this last dream had me thinking a bit too much. I guess I haven't blogged about "love" for a while because I've always thought that thinking about these things too early in my current relationship will ruin the progression of love. I mean, if I keep thinking about what it should be (patient, kind, does not envy, [...] forever.), then I'll be forever unsatisfied and everything would be unnatural. A sly piece of aphorism: "Love takes time." No need to rush into what it should or shouldn't be, right? Or wrong? Or what? Need I a little faith?

...

I used to blog endlessly about the great blessings God has given to me - my struggle with serving Him and loving Him - my tendency to be lukewarm. But all in all, I loved God and I was sure that He was Love. Am I still sure?

I've kept it so hidden.

But guys, I'm coming out of the closet.

NO, not THAT closet.

I've never believed in religion. I think it's paired too often with narrow-mindedness. You could never find greater, objective Truth if you had "religion." So I never considered myself a religious person. I have morals, beliefs, value in virtue, and general self-constraint. But not religion.

But when you ask me about God, I believe in Him. And I swear to you, the most difficult and probably darkest times in my life were when I doubted his existence six years ago. I don't ever want to go back. But these days... the feeling... the faith... the spiritual fire... the hope for Light in the world... that general sense of something greater I once felt - where has it gone? I can only hold on to the knowledge that I have felt these things at one point in my life.

My appetite for God is fading. And when that appetite fades, I begin to wonder how the God we imagine could exist in our forsaken society. In prayer, holding on to faith has been the most difficult part of my journey through life. And I honestly believe this is an issue many Christians, especially those who grew up as Christians, struggle with. Why not explore other religions? Because, as I have said, they are just religions and I have never believed in religion. Do I believe in Confucius? Yes, I believe he existed and that he has shared vast amount of wisdom regarding the human soul, but I don't think that he is God. What about Allah? The concept of multi-deities? Hinduism? Animism? Or why not just believe in evolution and the scientific thought that life appeared by chance chemical reactions that propelled the entropy of the universe?

Please forgive me 'when I refuse holding to these (which is different from tolerating or understanding) because I know I have experienced God at some point in my life. And that there was a point I saw Him as the ultimate Truth and the ultimate meaning of Love.

It's just that society paints over Truth with Religion, and Love with Lust, Sex-Appeal, and Obsession. Unless you can peel under all of that, it's really difficult to understand what Truth and Love really is. I'm just so confused and unsure now of what to believe... or maybe it's not what but HOW to believe in the what. Religion is the answer to how. But worrying about that how part just seems to be the biggest problem I have with religion. I mean, not to bash but the Roman Catholic Church has some crazy rituals/traditions that really don't make any sense and don't bring anyone closer to Truth OR God.

... So I have digressed about religion.

Let me talk about love once more. Though I must admit, religion is a much more engaging topic.

In the past, I've written about Love in terms of God. How I learned how to love just by loving God. I've written about Love in terms of soulmates and how I've always wanted to believe in the idea of another half. I've written about trust being staple in a loving relationship. I've contemplated the caveats of confusing being "in love" and "loving" someone, lusting versus loving, caring versus committing, saying things that you don't mean, what have you.

Have I ever admitted to myself, by blog, where I ultimately have conversation with myself and reflect on my nuisance emotions, that I was in love? Not really.. Have I always been so engrossed in self-interest, ambition, self-redemption, seeking an idea and feeling of love rather than allow love to come naturally? Probably... How do you know what love is? How does one even BEGIN to comprehend the idea of romantic, real, and true Love all in one? I can perform the action of loving. But will the motivation behind it be love? Crap, I'm beginning to confuse myself.

I'm just gonna let it come naturally.

(Not THAT naturally.)

Let time work it's magic.

"I love you."

So why do I say it if I'm not 100% sure what Love, the objective idea of it at least, really is?

I say it because I have faith I really mean it. I say it because nothing else, past or present, compares to the way I feel about him. I say it because I love him mentally, emotionally, and yes physically. My mind can't thrive without him (though of course, more intellectual conversation would fuel my intellectual attraction). My emotions seek comfort and solace in his voice and his words of encouragement when I'm down. And I can't wait to hug and kiss him again in two months on my return to California. And yeah, I'm pretty certain it's also a two-way street. His love is a staple to my happiness and my hope for the future.

So in a Dawson's Creek-esque conclusion or not-really conclusion since I've contradicted myself more than once in this entry. Though I fear for the future, though I don't want to wait for the answer to all of my uncertainties ... everything that's here now, everything that I think, believe, and feel... means love to me now.

So open up your morning light

and say a little prayer for right.

You know that if we are to stay alive,

then see the love in every eye.

/ end really long rant /

Liberation from Facebook

I never realized how sinister Facebook truly was.

Until I stopped logging on and checking it every fifteen minutes.

Suddenly I have more time for things. Suddenly I have the motivation to cut down my 1600m time. Suddenly my mind is more focused when I study.

It's weird how I came to depend on Facebook so much. Not only for social networking but for self-esteem, for a cure to boredom centered around stalking people, and for painting an image for myself not backed by actions. It wasn't an addiction, no I was never at that level. But it's something I could definitely learn to live without. Granted, Facebook is a way to maintain some of my more meaningful relationships but more often than not, it turns into the only way I choose for maintenance. And it certainly is no way to develop meaningful relationships.

Anyway, I'm truthfully having feelings of withdrawal and it's pretty pitiful when I automatically input the "facebook.com" URL only to remember I can't even log on. But like all kinds of therapy, my cure from technology dependence is going to take some time.

Technology can change a lot of things. Including our ability to form meaningful relationships with people. Like how people text instead of make phone calls, email instead of write, phone instead of see each other in person, network instead of make friends. On the flip side, like all two-edged swords, used in the right way, technology can make bonds so much stronger.

Notwithstanding - living without Facebook is actually a pretty fun challenge. And now time for some endorsement! (Yeah right, as if anyone reads this.). Two videos from Wong Fu Production's series, Technology Ruins Romance. They also did a series in Hong Kong, so check them out. :)

Musically Deprived Type A

The language thing is seriously starting to depress me. I'm always confused on the basketball court. And it's profoundly affecting my game. I'm really good at owning up on the court if I know exactly what to do and what my teammates expect from me, but communication is such a huge obstacle. I know a few court phrases and terms while every other word and coherent sentence zooms past me in chunks of fury. I can't understand what's being said to me at crucial moments which today resulted in Andrea's very few minutes of game time. I'm starting to hate how slow the learning process is. But learning two languages on top of studying subjects like physical and inorganic chemistry? While at the same time, adjusting to a new culture, trying to stay fit, finding your footing in student societies, and searching for a place you belong?

Today's match results were dreary: Poly U won with 7x - 1x. I don't mind actually... It's funny - for the most part of my life, I've been at nerd schools where athletics aren't highly promoted and I wouldn't have it any other way.

It's like how guys playing basketball or volleyball or running track catch my attention but how a guy could only be attractive to me if they were very intelligent - and not just academically. I'd never trade intellect for athleticism. Anyway, since I didn't get a lot of playing time, I felt like I wasted a day of studying before midterms and it didn't feel all that relaxing. But at least I got this pretty picture of a butterfly? moth? ... bug. Such beauties are hard to find in California.

At home, if I had an urge to pick up a guitar, look up some chords, and strum a tune, I had the wonderful liberty to. Today, Old Faithful, Yamaha, and Takamine are 7,000 miles away from me. I miss them. It's like there's this big gaping cavern in my soul that just can't be filled by upbeat acoustic songs in my music player, even if that music player was a gift from Hieu and my friends. I don't have any clue what kind of crazy train of thought freak of an accident I had that convinced me that I didn't need to bring a medium for musical outlet. Sigh. I'm not even that good at guitar. But it does kill me that I could be learning songs to get better. I neeeed stress relief NAO.

Dear Hippocampus,

I know that you don't like stress hormones. I know that you will shrink if you receive more cortisol. I'm so very sorry. I'll try to be more of a Type B personality. It doesn't seem very hard, I guess. I hope you'll put up with me through these trying times. Please don't make me stupid or unable to remember things by becoming smaller as I age. I need my cognitive abilities! Also, pleeeeaaaaase help me learn Cantonese faster.

Kthxbye!

P.S. I do care about you! I am trying to consume more Vitamin E and A and omega-3 fatty acids. Also, I exercise the recommended amount each week. My resources are limited, but I make due!

Defeated

The days of defeated confidence are the days of defeated performance.

Once again, I've got this dismal feeling of not being able to achieve what I know I'm fully capable of. Sure, I should just play basketball for the love of the game but maybe I want too badly to do better. Sure, I should study for the pure love of knowledge but maybe I just want too badly to enhance my CV and resume for medical school. They say life is a balancing act, but it's just so much easier to fall into the net. That, or just learn how to fly. But we all know human anatomy can't facilitate avian flight.

My performance at practice today was sub par. My knees have been killing me lately. Thinking so much about midterms and all this pressure I put on myself. Thinking about how much I miss my boyfriend, friends, and family. How badly I want to learn Cantonese so that I don't need a translator every time Coach coaches the team. I know the teammates don't mind but this dependence is eating me up on the inside. If I could devote a couple of months to just learning the language--never mind the academics--if only, if only.

I'll be screwed if I keep this mindset. My confidence started out low when I came here. But I set out here to find that confidence. And find it I shall. I've got to tone down thinking about myself so much, too. There's too many amazing people in my life~ and I should learn to honestly invest in friendship and love more.

P.S. I miss you so much Hieu :'(.

... and of course, the family!

Snaps

I dunno. My room is way messy.

Our AC is finally working but the weather is cooling down rapidly.

My leg muscles are freaking soreeeeeeeee.

And my stress index is kind of high.

I really need to find confidence and control in my life.

Also, I wish I could sing all my problems away.

left: environmental art displayed in Atrium, right: view from HKUST Library

Sunday morning snapshots of the West side of Hong Kong island

Sheung Wan MTR Station, tram ride, Indonesian food, and Sunday city goers

Humility

How do you differentiate between confidence and arrogance? What about humility and pride?
I thought being true to yourself was supposed to be easy.

On another note, so much good quality fun these days~ ^o^
Can't believe how awesome basketball has become. Good friends have really helped make my adjustment much easier.

Must work harder, though. Mid-terms in two weekssss! It doesn't help that my brain is working overtime in other areas as well (motor skills, languages, memorization, etc). Can't wait to learn how to maximize brain capacity from REDbird, lol.

FAQs and Idiosyncrasies

1. Where are you from?
   Born and raised in Southern California. Been there my whole life and I'm essentially monolingual.
   My parents, on the other hand, were born and raised in the Philippines. My mother met my father in the United States while she was studying there. I am Filipino-American and do not know Tagalog. I understand bits and pieces. I'm embarrassed by this fact.
   
   
2. Why did you come to Hong Kong UST?
   Three reasons.
   Scholarship - It would have cost more money in terms of living expenses and travel costs to attend a UC despite my California residency. So why not invest money in something that will make me stand out?
   Deviance - My path is unconventional. I'm the type to choose unconventional paths. Conformity is for pansies.
   Internationalization and Global Competitiveness - I've always wanted to study overseas. This is my chance for real international exposure and lessons in independence and personal development. It's a test of my adaptive abilities and how far I can push the limits of my capacities.
   
   
3. What's your major? Why?
   Chemical and Bioproduct Engineering. Hopefully minoring in Biology. I want to apply to medical school in the U.S. I'm looking at the medical scientist training program at University of Illinois, Chicago. Or UCLA. Yeah, I like UCLA, too. :) There's always engineering and research if I change my mind about medicine but whatever I end up doing, I want to make health-enhancing differences in the lives of others.

Those are the three most frequently asked questions I get here in Hong Kong.

Yet I'm sitting here realizing more and more what my underlying motives are... this advent in Hong Kong is essentially a quest for self-worth. During my years in high school, I lacked so much confidence. Confidence which could have helped me achieve the things I had the potential for. I started out in ninth grade with so much of it (potential). I was a track star, a good writer, reasonably intelligent, and well-liked. But it changed somewhere along the lines. I had a fall out with Life. And it's mostly because I didn't think I was good ENOUGH, because there was always someone better than me, and because I needed emotional validation--something which I have always lacked (flash quick notice to the way I was raised and -ahem- my parents).

The road to recovery has been long. My motivation is an internal one. I only have things to prove to myself and coming so far, I can't stop now.

When will the desire for accomplishment stop? When I graduate from HKUST after being accepted to a medical program? When I finally get my mile time under seven minutes? When I finally get first place recognition in a track competition? When I'm a starter on the basketball team? When I can comfortably provide a good life for myself and my parents? ... Do I have a perpetual inferiority complex? Will the need to do better ever stop?

I've been warned on and off by people that life is too short to be constantly chasing after ambitions. That I should expend my energy on people in my life that matter. Otherwise, they will pass out of your life and that will be your biggest regret in the end. For example, academia is a career field that never stops. The acting head of the CBME department has had many traumas in his family life because of his internationalized and travel-based career. And it's not uncommon to hear about the poor family lives of doctors so don't get me started.

If I don't slow down, will I never share blissful happiness with that special someone?

Will I ever have that magic moment where I feel infinite and the world with all its worries and cares no longer matters to me?

Is there such thing as happily ever after?

Andrea's List of Qualities a Boyfriend Must Have

/* He must be able to understand the geek references and basic C++ syntax contained in the following list and see the humor in it despite the obvious programming errors (e.g. undeclared identifiers, syntax problems, etc.) */

#include<iostream>
#include<near.impossible.female.standards>
#include<not.really>

int calc, t, dating, marriage, brain_RAM, brain_HDD;
double Height, Age, my_Age;

int main( ) {

1. He must be able to handle calculus of multivariable in brain_RAM; //bonus hotness if he can do differential equations
2. be able to recall the molecular masses of hydrogen through oxygen from brain_HDD;
3. and be able to calculate the distance x a cannonball will land given the force it was shot with, length of cannon, angle shot from, and height of cannon from the ground.;
   
   
4. He must have taken college-level courses from psychology or philosophy (and have Asian-acceptable grades in them);
5. be able to sustain Socratic conversations about ( books || ideas || current_events ) for t >= 0.5; // t is in hours
6. and play a musical instrument.; //extra sexy kudos if he can sing
   
   
7. He must be athletic or very active;
8. agree that for (int dating = 0; dating < marriage; dating++) {
   cout << "No sex.";
   }; // if this were a RL program, it would be more complicated.
   cout << woohoo; //And it wouldn't be an infinite loop.
9. be consistent with his moral+ethical values and spiritual beliefs.;
   
   
10. (double) Height > (double) 1.6; //meters
11. (double) Age >= (double) my_Age;
12. He must be my Part-Time Lover and Full-Time Friend; // <3
13. He must be a foodie BUT ( != obese && != fat ) ;
14. He must recognize the value of the Mark Twain maxims: "Sing like no one's listening, love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one's watching, and live like it's heaven on earth.";
    

}

P.S. I will probably rewrite this to my satisfaction someday when I have time to be more clever. Which will probably be never.
P.P.S. I don't like having to write in HTML entities.
P.P.P.S. I've only learned two weeks worth of C++, so gimme a break, yeah?