Taking the wheel

sometimes I just want to disappear, y'know. especially when I have these moments where I feel like I don't have any control over myself or any thing in my life. everything seems to spin wildly out of control. deadlines to meet, people to talk to, exams to study for that define your grades which define your near future... maybe it just boils down to how well I can fight it out but I guess I've never been that aggressive. the truth is, in those moments of weakness and vulnerability, I begin to question myself... am I seriously just a normal girl with average looks, abilities, and intelligence? I want to dream big and make a meaningful difference in the world or at least my community but I guess I'm just a normal girl still trying to find my place here. and I'm slow at it.

Time zone clash: Long distance

Hands down the hardest things to deal with in this relationship is the time zone difference. With a 15 hour time difference (16 during daylight savings), it bears on our relationship like a burden that cannot be lifted. I'm not even sure there's a silver lining to this whole problem.

On the one hand, we're each others' alarm clocks. On the other hand, it sucks that one of us has to be incredibly tired when the other is fully awake. It's not what I'm used to. When we were in the same time zone, I could call him and talk to him for up to an hour before bed. We would talk about our day and I would just feel so connected to his life. I just can't have that satisfaction anymore.

I don't know how else to put it. It's just so beaver dam hard.

When I'm up to my neck in work and tears and stress from school, I'm glad he's there for me. I'm glad he'll put up with my craziness when I'm stressed out. He'll be on the phone with me and answer all my stupid questions and listen to all my rantings and my mild insecurities. I'm thankful he'll talk to me on the phone even though all I'll probably do is complain. It's a big effort for him on his part because of the time difference. He's just waking up when it's my night time and I want to talk to him about my problems.

In addition to that, I crave some kind of physical intimacy for comfort. I miss his hug and his shoulder and the feel of his breath when he whispers in my ear. I miss his soft kiss on my forehead. He's where I'm certain I can become stronger. When he's there to support me and standing by my side, I feel confident to say "challenge accepted." He's that tall glass of lemonade on a summer day.

Without the physical comfort of our relationship, I have to accept the fact that all I can have are morning calls, late night calls, calls at odd hours of the night, delayed emails, and the occasional multi-hour-long skype date which can only be on the weekends. I swear, it gets more difficult as time goes on. Tiredness and exhaustion is a spiraling vortex for us. No matter how hard we try to keep a consistent time together, our schedules are always so different and changing (mine especially since I'm so busy all the time).

For me, my biggest problem is expecting too much all the time. I dunno. The time zone clash is so taxing on our relationship, I always forget that he tries his best to talk to me even though he's really tired; that along with a whole variety of other things. I get mad at him when he's not very responsive and I can become impatient. Most problems can be attributed to the time zone difference, the limitations of technology, and the difference in our communication styles.

The only things that keeps me alive are treasuring the past and living in the present.

It's worth it. We'll be together in the end <3.

Chocolate and canker sores

I think I'm a chocolate addict.

Putting aside the fact that chocolate exists in almost every corner of the first world; putting aside the fact that its one of the most widely used dessert ingredients in the world... I'm addicted, plain and simple.

And it needs to be cured.

I have this theory that since I was little, I've had a mild allergy to chocolate. No one wants to believe such a thing, especially a little kid. But I've always found it weird that ever since junior high, I have had short sneezing fits after eating dark chocolate or any chocolate with a strong cacao smell to it. When I stopped eating chocolate for a few weeks after this past summer, I noticed my skin cleared up and I also felt a lot healthier, not to mention I was motivated to get and stay healthy.

Perhaps there really is a strong connection between chocolate and my skin/health problems.

What spurned this little epiphany? Well, it was just today I went to Park n' Shop to buy some yogurt and then I decided to treat myself to a bar of chocolate. I had a crazy painful canker sore on my tongue so I wanted to eat something that didn't require a lot of chewing.

Before I go on, let me tell you that a canker sore on the tongue is probably the worst and most painful type of non-malignant and non-contagious ulcer you could possibly obtain. Until you get one, you never fully appreciate the fact that you use your tongue almost every minute of your life! To swallow saliva, to talk, to EAT. No wonder it's hailed as the strongest muscle in our body!

So... after buying my goods and sitting down to enjoy it, I thought... what if there's a connection between my canker sores and chocolate? Crazy thought? Thanks to the internet, I think not!

Apparently canker sores pop up if you don't get enough rest, if you're exposed to too much stress, or after eating irritating foods such pineapple, nuts, and chocolate. I've been eating all the wrong things because unfortunately, I LOVE pineapples, nuts, and chocolate. (Insert long drawn-out sigh here)

One theory is that canker sores are often an allergic reaction.

Again, back to my theory that I'm allergic to chocolate and that chocolate is the culprit for many of my skin problems and possible respiratory or fitness limits. Well, if chocolate is the culprit for canker sores... then I'm out. The pain from this canker sore on my tongue has gone on long enough.

Chocolate can just buzz off.

(Now let's see how long I can keep this up. At the very least, I'll only eat in moderation.)

Unconditional friendship

"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." --William Somerset Maugham

I miss my loves back home <3

In other news... it's the dawn of a new holiday season!! :)

Snapshots (Fall 2011)

Athletics Meet 2011

CBME! Chemical Engineering!

Cross Country Beloveds 2011

HKUST A-Meet 2011

Every year, HKUST holds an annual athletics meet between the departments of the university. I represented CBME (Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering) this year and I had a blast!

The day started off pretty rough. That day, all the events started about an hour late; pushing the rest of the schedule to an hour's delay. Worse, they didn't accept any other form of identification except for student ID cards, and being the silly goose that I am, I had lost mine in the laundry room earlier that week. In a last ditch effort to find my ID, I ran all the way back to Hall VI to ask the hall office if anyone had picked it up yet. Thankfully, it was turned in the previous night and I ran all the way back to the long jump pit to claim my competing rights.

Number 123!

Long Jump: The truth is, I haven't been able to long jump since high school; at least not to the standard I'm used to. And I was not up to standard with my previous self. But I got Women's Champion for Long Jump!

400m Heat: I ran in the first heat for 400m and placed first. Felt good and I felt like I still had energy. Maybe my trainings need to be more intensive from this point onward. I was positioned first seed in the finals.

Cheering for the people I knew!: In between it all, I met some pretty cool people and was able to make a few more friends which made me pretty happy. Bringing back memories of high school (mainly Crystal Ho and her inspirational ways of motivating people during runs); I sought to carry on that tradition. Dennis, Steven, Edison were amazing during their 5K. Jessica was also incredible; championing 800m and 1500m. I'm sad I couldn't watch everyone's events but a high school nostalgia was definitely still there.

400m Finals: Only 4 of the 8 competitors showed up for the final heat. To my disappointment, Patricia disappeared. She had seeded 0.4 seconds away from me and I was looking forward to a bit of competition. In the end, I was pretty happy with my results, reaching 70 seconds without spike shoes, and still feeling energetic afterwards. Women's Champion in the 400m!

Not long after my finals heat, I had to check in for the 4x100m relay.

4x100m relay: CBME WON! That was a big surprise for me. Our hand-offs were perfect even though we didn't practice and we dominated in a champion sense. Anchoring for the team... I was so happy!! Awesome Winnie, Zoe, and Jessica for their excellent hand-offs. Champion in 4x100m relay :).

Immediately afterwards,

4x400m relay: Hand-offs were good but CIVIL had a big advantage; we were far in second place after the second runner. It was alright though because we maintained it and we got 1st Runner Up in 4x400m relay!

10x200m mass relay: Represented Track and Field in a fun mass relay. Loads of fun! I love the track team <3

Later, we went to go out eat where the Women's Overall Champion (my roomie!) treated eight people to dinner in an italian restaurant in Hang Hau. Cheap and good food and one of the rare places in HK you can get "free refills."

Overall, a fun and memorable day! :) More pictures to be shared later~

In my dreams

Eight minutes to write.

In my dreams, we're slow dancing to a song. And in this song, we have the happiness of being together and holding each other close. In this song, we can feel magic. Because a memory is etching deeply into our minds and hearts only to be relived each time the song is heard again.

In my dreams, I'm feeding you soup when you're sick and driving you home when the day is through and you're just too exhausted to go on. Because we spend our energy chasing our own dreams but, at the end of the day, I'll be the one that brings your charger and says "Sweetie, let's pause and appreciate the simple things."

In my dreams, your hug is only whisper away. You draw me in before the tears fall and all the comfort in your voice translates suddenly into a place where I can hide myself when my troubles seem too overwhelming.

In my dreams, you say "I love you" and I believe it in all the little hidden corners of my heart and it makes me happy. I believe it because you help me believe it and it's not just me wishing.. hoping that you'll one day become my part-time lover and full-time friend.