First Publication (in progress)

I am in the process of writing my first publication. And guess what, I am co-author! I found out that I was going to co-author the paper during our last review meeting and I was actually pretty surprised. I was going to be happy with second author. Maybe they wanted to motivate me, though, to do a really good job on writing.

I think if I can get it accepted before March, I would be really happy. As an undergraduate, this is a pretty nice accomplishment.

But the downside is... actually writing the paper is very strenuous. It's a lot more pressure than just trying to get full marks on a lab report in class. You have to keep a lot of people in mind, like peer reviewers, your supervisor, etc. On the other hand, you want to tell a story well. All those years of English class actually did prepare me for report writing. And all those lab classes actually did prepare me for technical writing. I'm glad... otherwise I would be dying right now.

I've been sitting in front of the computer for multiple hours per day just typing reports! I can't believe how many projects I'm managing at the same time on top of the GRE and graduate school applications.

This is how I feel right now.

I've been getting on average 6 hours of sleep per night... but the average is offset by my weekend 16 hours over 2 days. I've got to find time to train for the half-marathon I'm going to run next February. Maybe I don't manage my time efficiently. I do have days where I try to spend a few hours relaxing and catching up on the latest Big Bang Theory episodes or even Glee and New Girl. Or I "chui sui" (blow water) with friends. Or I take care of my latest Sims 3 generation. Or I watch old episodes of Boy Meets World. I do that a lot. IN GENERAL, though, I always have something to do on top of labwork and sleep and studying for my regular classes. Yikes. Am I a graduate student already?

I can't wait for my piece of the delayed gratification cake. Winter break in the U.S.!

(But even then, I'll be worrying about my FYP...)

Award presentation for our postdoc at the HK Stroke
Association Charity Walk

I ♥ HKUST

A waiting game

Time is my only nemesis.

I'm going to my final year at HKUST and I am ambivalent. The classes are gearing more towards real world applications.. engineering management, biomolecular engineering, process dynamics and control. But I'm optimistic. Today, I asked my professor from a my academic and professional development class (a 0-credit required course) to look at my resume and he did so without hesitation. He gave me helpful feedback on what to add and what to take away. And you know what? Even though there's a student deep down inside of me that is somehow afraid of asking my teachers questions and approaching them for life advice... I've never regretted doing it. They are always willing to lend an ear or a helping hand.

It's crazy to think that I was stepping into the unknown two years ago; what was an uncertainty then is still an uncertainty now. That with the added pressure of a "the real world" looming more formidably with each passing day. I wouldn't trade these experiences away. Ever. But after taking an unconventional path, I am in a transitory state. Will my venture in Hong Kong set me apart when applying for engineering jobs? Will it set me apart from other grad school applicants? Are all my critics justified? Will my supporters remain optimistic about my future?

These are the goals I've set for myself this semester.

1. Make the dean's list. (3.7+ GPA)
2. Attend/Land job interviews for at least two engineering companies.
3. Enjoy Hong Kong more! (Improve Cantonese and Mandarin)
4. Lose 15 pounds.
5. Take the GRE.
6. Apply to grad school.

As a side note, the best thing that I did in the U.S. this summer was have a candle-lit rooftop home-cooked steak and mashed potatoes dinner with an amazing date and KOST 103.5 playing in the background :).

A little bit of added happiness can make life so much more worthwhile.

"520"

It is the 5th month, on its 20th day. In Mandarin, they say that these numbers are very special in the 520 combination because the way you pronounce those numbers sound very much like how you would pronounce "I love you." (我爱你)

Add on the numbers 1314, and you modify it with "for a lifetime" or "forever." (一生一世)

I am simply loving the lyrics of this song. Every. Single. Word. I can relate to it so much...


我依然愛你   或許是 命中注定
多年之後   任何人都無法代替
那些時光是我這一輩子最美好的
那些回憶   教我如何忘記

I still love you, maybe it's fate
After many years, no one can replace you.
Those times together were the best times of my life
How can I forget all those memories?

You hear stories, y'know. A dear friend of mine is currently en route to a six-year relationship with his high school sweetheart, passing the five-year mark just this month. They were long distance for the duration of his undergraduate career. He, at Duke and she, at UCSD. They had their ups and downs but this year they graduated and he came back to start an awesome engineering job in Los Angeles. Come to think of it, they're not the only high school sweethearts I knew of that are still going strong!

This is the kind of story that give you so much faith in committing to love one another even from a distance.  I mean, how does that even happen? How does life not get in between those 100-1,000 miles? Well, I suppose the correct way to think of it here is that life does get in the way, but it's how you choose to deal with obstacles and how you grow together that counts. It's like my friend once told me, you have to focus on the present and being happy in the present. The end goals you are waiting for are nice, but that will never replace what you have now so treasure it!

Being apart while being in love is tough but you can still be happy. & I would think that the gratification of being in the same city while being in love is worth the wait... Good things don't come easy, after all.

Reflections on Mother's Day: Courage

Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities... because it is the quality which guarantees all others.

If I'd have to describe my mom in one word, it'd be "courageous."

I love that my mom has the courage to believe in God and keep her faith. She finds her strength in God--she's grounded, special, loving, caring, and honest. She has the courage to persevere and do what's right for her family. She has the courage to face all the struggles our family is going through.

My mother is headstrong and persistent. She doesn't give up on anything. My mom taught me many things but the single and greatest quality she taught me was courage. And she did that by simply living.

If she could teach me courage, then perhaps the one thing I want to pass on in this world... the highest achievement of my life... would be to also live a life that inspires courage.

The courage to...

• go after your dreams
• maintain a healthy lifestyle
• overcome adversities
• take chances
• do something different
• love
• and love from a distance

Happy Mother's Day!

Choice encounters and old friends

“We can never judge the lives of others, because each person knows only their own pain and renunciation. It's one thing to feel that you are on the right path, but it's another to think that yours is the only path.”

I think it's a blessing to know what you want from life and to have the courage to chase after it. That's why I think you should never discourage a young student from being headstrong or persistent. You should always tell them to look for their passion and think, really think, about the things that motivate you. As cliche as it is, you have to look deep inside yourself and discover your personal destiny.

Today, I had a "choice encounter" with an old friend. We used to have this informal club in high school where if we were awake at 4AM on AIM, we would have spontaneous and meaningful conversations about life.

I sent him an email and asked if he was planning on visiting HK any time soon since we had talked about it before and I was going to be here for the summer. Somehow each time we talk, it's always a meaningful conversation. We exchange brief life updates on where we're going, what we've done, what our current goals are, and after that moment in time, we continue on our way.

I like this kind of friendship. I never feel like we're at odds with each other even if we only talk to each other every couple of months. It makes me believe that in this world, each and every one of us is on their own personal journey--and its a synergy and a comradeship that develops between the people you meet along the way that inspire you to keep chasing after what you want.

We talked briefly about an intuitive knowing of where we'll be in the next few years. I said I'd be in Chicago in the next 1-2 years. It slipped out even though I am usually cautious about being overly confident. We'll see. Life will drop me off in a good place in two years. It may not be exactly what I imagined, but maybe it will be exactly what I need.

Halfway there. Is HKUST worth it?

Time for reflection (caught in a cold sweat, stuck splitting hairs). Often, I think about the coulda-shoulda-wouldas in my life and I double over thinking about the things that were just within my reach. (Were they really?)

Sometimes, I look back and I think, Did I really do the best thing for myself? Was it worth it coming to Hong Kong and doing something so radically different from my peers? Was it worth leaving everything I once knew? A tried and true educational system (though that is easily debatable), a boyfriend (now long distance), a family still living paycheck to paycheck, sisters who have yet to grow up, caring friends, and stable (but stagnant) spiritual guidance?

One finds his- or herself tugged between the great ambition to lead an uncommon, exceptional life and the other, more simple life. Which is harder? Neither, I'd say, as long as you had the other life in view. Both are riddled with obstacles towards personal growth and both lay out the choices for you: (1) grow and change for the better, (2) revert back towards the worse, (3) do nothing and let life happen to you. The question then becomes, which is more lonely?

The way I've chosen to live my life, by coming to Hong Kong, is just another way of doing things (i'll be fine even though I'm not always right). It caused a lot of discomfort and sparked a lot of changes in me. It witnessed many tears of loneliness and frustration. It brought me to my knees, it forced me to face life head-on, it made me realize that choices (1) through (3) are really the only choices we make in our life, on a daily basis. But at the end of the day, I'm still that girl, daydreaming about my life ahead. Not really sure what I want but I know the direction I want to go (before you ask which way to go, remember where you've been). And when I dream something up, and I'm really passionate about it, I make it happen. I'm stubborn. So I guess that's what is unique about me. Not to mention a bit of luck that floats my way at times. (I also think that God must have some higher purpose for me but that's still unclear at this point.)

When I look back at the courses I took, I could say I learned a lot. But not as much as I would have had I gone somewhere else. The friends I've made have been great but I've never been able to connect to any of them on a deeper level. There are too few people of my same background for me to connect to. I've sacrificed my health to slaving over countless group projects overnight. And the courses are so reliant on self-studying (and no actual in-class learning) that it frustrates me to no end, having had good teachers with comprehensible accents all my life before UST. Finding a job is going to be hard because there's no active recruiting process for U.S. companies. But...

Is HKUST worth it?

A month or two ago, I would tell you I wasn't sure if I'd do it over again given the opportunity. Now, I'd say I'd do it again, but differently. And that's all there is to say.

It's too soon at this point to say whether or not HKUST has gotten me closer to whatever end goals I might be dreaming up. But I have faith that things will work out in my favor as long as I follow my passions. (You ain't the only ones who wanna live it up)

  

Look alive, and be on standby

Just a quick thought from listening to "Welcome Home" (We Shot the Moon):

Think of a defining moment in your life. A moment in your life where you accomplished or made a decision about something that really reflected the kind of person you were at the time. Did you think of something? Or do all your experiences just kind of blur together? Do you find that the moments of your life just seem to "culminate" into the person you are now? Sure, it would be limited and narrow to say that you would be defined by a single moment or glimpse in time. We are the result of a series of life decisions and reactions.

But let's put it another way. Actually, every moment is PREPARATION for the next defining moment of your life--the moment that says "this is me." And that's just so intangible... reasonably unpredictable... unfairly uncertain... but it's an essential perspective if you're aiming for the top of Maslow's heirarchy of needs (self-actualization, don't you know).

People say that great men are products of their time. But what made those men different was that they were in some way 'prepared' to step up to challenges of their time. (A recent example: Jeremy Lin)

From the beginning, we understand this notion intrinsically with the idea of "dreams," the defining moments we come to expect and shoot for. We're told we have to work hard in school because one day the defining moment of your whole high school career will one day encroach upon you: the acceptance letters to the schools of your many destinies and, most importantly, your final decision. We learn our whole lives and get a degree for a defining job interview that lands the job of dreams. We have a restricted diet and heavy exercise regime for the defining race, athletics event, or social occasion you have to look good for.

But aside from these expected defining moments, we must always be prepared for the unexpected. And that reflects the more difficult side dream-chasing. Although we have have this notion of preparing for defining moments, it's still an intangible notion. People know in their hearts that they have to be better, more disciplined people, physically adept people... but why do people procrastinate? Why do people sign up for a marathon and put off training for it? Why do diets always start tomorrow? Some people live life defined by their day-to-day failures. They neglect the need to be on standby for the moments that define us thinking that when those moments come, they can wing it. Actually, a rare few are actually capable of improvisation but they were probably uniquely "prepared" for those moments through their own series of life events (upbringing, genetics, etc). For underachievers, the problem is complacency which sets in when people get stuck in an environment where they can't see any opportunities to shine or they believe that any visible opportunities are above then.

How much of that complacency is failing to grasp who you really are, what you really want, and who you are capable of becoming? How much of that is just going through life trying to meet the expectations of others without knowing what you expect from yourself? How much of that is refusing to overcome your fears or refusing to take on the difficult truth of self-awareness?

currently reading: the road less traveled: a new psychology of love, traditional values, and spiritual growth (scott peck)

currently listening to: we shot the moon - welcome home

"Here I am--a longing soul of good intentions."

Futures

It's been a while since I've written.

Life has been a roller-coaster ride these days. Some days are really high and some days are really low. But in general, I'm coasting on a higher plane. I've got a steady income from tutoring and an on-campus job. I'm inspired by the classes I'm taking. I've got friends I can count on, a boyfriend I can trust, and a family that supports me. And I'm healthy.

Right now, I'm faced with a few choices in terms of my career and although I know what I want, I don't seem to know what I need... I have an option of staying in Hong Kong for the summer to take up a drug delivery research position in a lab where there I would probably do work that inspires me. Not to mention, I would have an awesome advisor who could potentially write a killer recommendation letter for me! In addition, staying in Hong Kong for the summer would give me the chance to participate in iGEM, which would also be an opportunity for me to demonstrate creativity and have real experience working in an intercultural team.

Problem? Staying in Hong Kong for the summer is a purely career-driven move, though it would contribute to my 'success' in the future. But it has nothing to do with the people who are important to me in my life who still await me in the United States (eg. my mom, dad, little sisters, and boyfriend). The best reason for me to come back to the states is if I came back for an internship in Cali during the summer so I can boost my chances of finding a biotech job in the future... but again that's career-driven. And I'm still waiting for my chance...

Perhaps there would be a compromise in the future? I hope so. I'm missing my family and life back home immensely. The relationship between my boyfriend and I is already heavily strained due to our long distance and there's still a year and a half left before proximal happiness can aptly be called ours. I wouldn't say I'm tired but I do wish the end of this endeavor would come sooner rather than later!

At this point, the only thing to do is trust that things will work out.

God has His ways and I don't need to be so anxious.

The other side of every fear is freedom

In many ways, I think the last two weeks of 2011 were life-changing. It's funny how a little determination can turn you into a stronger person. And how learning to control your fears can change you.

When you're afraid of falling, you are critically below what you are capable of doing. You don't take risks that will help you break through. You can't grow.

So it's time to overcome fear. As Marie Curie said, "Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood." This winter break, I need a metamorphosis.

Things to look forward to this winter:
9 January-- Paisano's!
15 January-- Clearwater Bay Chase 10K
20-23 January-- Chinese Lunar New Year
29 January-- Adventure Terra Race 2012
5 February-- Standard Chartered Hong Kong Marathon 10K

(Title from the quote by Marilyn Ferguson: "Ultimately we know deeply that the other side of every fear is freedom.")

Stay awake

Before you ask which way to go, Remember where you've been.

The staple end-of-the-year post. Wish I could spend the New Year with my family and my wonderful boyfriend but like all things worth missing, I am very blessed just to have them in my life. New Year's resolution? None, just continue my journey--treasure all my blessings, focus on God and the present and the people that make life worthwhile so that, naturally, the future falls into place.

New "first"/unique experiences from 2011:

Minecraft

Conveyor belt sushi

University athletics meet

Hong Kong karaoke

Macau!!

Beach korfball

Food poisoning

Receiving flowers after arriving on a plane <3

Locks of Love

Anime Expo

Irvine Lake Mudrun!!

Heartbreak (almost)

Hiking with boyfriend

Playing with lanterns during mid-autumn

Campus run

Hiked in a typhoon

Silent Dance Party

and so much more... (especially the last two weeks) =]

Time zone clash: Long distance

Hands down the hardest things to deal with in this relationship is the time zone difference. With a 15 hour time difference (16 during daylight savings), it bears on our relationship like a burden that cannot be lifted. I'm not even sure there's a silver lining to this whole problem.

On the one hand, we're each others' alarm clocks. On the other hand, it sucks that one of us has to be incredibly tired when the other is fully awake. It's not what I'm used to. When we were in the same time zone, I could call him and talk to him for up to an hour before bed. We would talk about our day and I would just feel so connected to his life. I just can't have that satisfaction anymore.

I don't know how else to put it. It's just so beaver dam hard.

When I'm up to my neck in work and tears and stress from school, I'm glad he's there for me. I'm glad he'll put up with my craziness when I'm stressed out. He'll be on the phone with me and answer all my stupid questions and listen to all my rantings and my mild insecurities. I'm thankful he'll talk to me on the phone even though all I'll probably do is complain. It's a big effort for him on his part because of the time difference. He's just waking up when it's my night time and I want to talk to him about my problems.

In addition to that, I crave some kind of physical intimacy for comfort. I miss his hug and his shoulder and the feel of his breath when he whispers in my ear. I miss his soft kiss on my forehead. He's where I'm certain I can become stronger. When he's there to support me and standing by my side, I feel confident to say "challenge accepted." He's that tall glass of lemonade on a summer day.

Without the physical comfort of our relationship, I have to accept the fact that all I can have are morning calls, late night calls, calls at odd hours of the night, delayed emails, and the occasional multi-hour-long skype date which can only be on the weekends. I swear, it gets more difficult as time goes on. Tiredness and exhaustion is a spiraling vortex for us. No matter how hard we try to keep a consistent time together, our schedules are always so different and changing (mine especially since I'm so busy all the time).

For me, my biggest problem is expecting too much all the time. I dunno. The time zone clash is so taxing on our relationship, I always forget that he tries his best to talk to me even though he's really tired; that along with a whole variety of other things. I get mad at him when he's not very responsive and I can become impatient. Most problems can be attributed to the time zone difference, the limitations of technology, and the difference in our communication styles.

The only things that keeps me alive are treasuring the past and living in the present.

It's worth it. We'll be together in the end <3.

Living with regret

Regret (n) - a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

There's always something. Something we have to live by.

Word is out now that a fellow international student in her last year here suddenly passed away last Saturday. She was in my Mandarin class in my first semester at HKUST and I still remember her warmth and her pretty smile. I wish we had talked more...

Since our lives only crossed paths briefly, the depth of my feelings go a few steps past general human sympathy, but I know so many other people are grieving on a deeper and more profound level and that... that is what makes me really sad.

It's always these moments that make us realize how quickly a life can just end.

Regret can be such a sad thing... not saying goodbye... never reconciling differences... not having the chance to tell someone how much you care about them... never getting that heart-to-heart with someone. When a life is lost, it's almost always about what you didn't do rather than what you did. Because actions of the heart can undo the things you might have done but if you never take the initiative, then that's regret. I can't imagine losing someone close to me. I can't... and I don't ever want to imagine such a thing... but it's a sad reality that life is not something to be taken for granted and we need to keep that in mind whenever we have friction with those we love.

Depending on the kind of regret you live by, regret can make you a person for the worst or for the better. It's always going to be what you make of it. There's the kind of regret I described above which might motivate us to treasure those around us or cause us to be cynical towards the world.

Then there are regrets over the mistakes you made. I know I've done some things in the past I'm not too proud of.

But I wouldn't want to have a spotless track record, you know? Regret gives me some definition. I mean, sure, maybe life would be different if that thing didn't happen. I'm prone to thinking that in some ways, life would be better.

But how much better would it be, really? The events and circumstances surrounding our life are just that 10% of what happens to us. Just how gracefully would I have reacted to a life full of perfection and a slate wiped clean of mistakes? Regret gives me something to react to. I'm compelled to do something about that regret.

So I've got my regret to live against. And I've got the future to live for.

Rest in peace Yelim...

Running: Health for the Soul

It rained today. I've been meaning to take a jog for a while now and as I walked out with my Zune mp3 player, I knew it was going to be a good run. The athletics field looked beautiful with water gleaming from the surface and I thought... "This is home. A solitary run by myself, with my music, enjoying myself, away from meaningless distractions in the world." I never felt so close to myself before... I just wish I hadn't gone out so late. I was only able to complete 2.5K at the track before it closed so I decided to continue by running around Seafront for a bit.

I suppose I've been pretty emotional lately and sensitive to inspiration. More recently, I've decided to stop playing basketball with the team for a while. It's what I have to do to keep my mental health up because as you can recall from previous entries, basketball has been both a source of turmoil and love--bad combination... just like an unhealthy relationship. Avoiding the mental stress and hard feelings will be good for me. Though.... it really feels like a breakup.

I'm going to run 10K in the Standard Chartered Hong Kong Marathon. Exciting stuff! The only problem is that I haven't really done serious running since high school 5K competitions.

My personal best for the 5K is 23:15 on a course with a lot of hills and even then that was in 9th grade before my knee injury and before surgery. I know things have never been the same since my knee injury but if I could do it before, if I work hard enough, I can be there again. My goal is to get 10K under 50 minutes.

For the months of October and November, I'll probably try my best to work from 3K to 5K (hopefully benchmark my progress by returning to 23:15 for 5K). I'll work on speed by aiming for 68 seconds in the 400m by January. =)

December and January will be dedicated to working my way up to 10K without stopping, once a week.

Let the training begin!!!

On another note, I've really been blessed with roommates who are watching over me and my health (I guess that's what I get for joining Fitness Connection). One roommate gave me some really delicious medicine. Unfortunately, they have been adamant about not letting me eating chocolate and things that will delay my full recovery. I like my chocolate but I love them for caring. :)

Also, Jessica's growing an apple seed.

I'm not the new kid anymore

I've always thought of this analogy for my life. All my life, I've been writing lyrics--rewriting, adding new stanzas, and composing new songs. I've always been struggling to find a melody. But the thing is, I'm not a music composer. And somewhere out there, there's someone who can be my melody. That person's gonna help make my lyrics even more beautiful because there would be meaning.

What I've just discovered is that I also need a sense of rhythm. And that's something I decide and develop on my own, whether it's when I have my melody or when I don't.

The undergraduate experience in Hong Kong has been nothing short of amazing and has truly strengthened my character. There's so many things I've had to learn and so many things I'm definitely still working out. Punctuality, for example. Keeping my room clean and doing my own laundry. Managing my own finances. Balancing my commitments. Keeping an open mind and filtering what you can and can't apply to yourself. And oh yeah, STEPPING OUT OF MY COMFORT ZONE. In the past, it has hurt to do so. Facing so many things and feeling like I was asking people to stop thinking in black and white (is that so much to ask?). Language difficulties. The adjustment was... a lot more difficult than I had previously surmised.

Okay, so it's the typical experience for an international student. But the international student is not so typical, wouldn't you say? ;)

[Not yet, anyways.]

Anyway, I think I finally found some leverage here in Hong Kong. Life's been pretty busy but I think I like it better this way. It's how I want to spend my undergraduate days. It's learning how to make a big difference. It's making small differences along the way.

I think I've found some kind of rhythm now. Let's go! Welcome to Asia!

Currently Reading: The Savage Detectives by Roberto Bolaño

Currently Listening To: Lemonade (Passion)

Filtering

Oowie, it's been a while. Summer's ending and it's been wild. Well, as wild as my life gets. Which is not very.

I watched an episode from a Biritish television show the other day. And it got me thinking about this quote I've learned to live by.

"Try to be a filter, not a sponge." (Perks of Being a Wallflower)

When I first read the book, I was never able to fully grasp it. It was one of the protagonist's most profound life lessons. Now I'm beginning to understand it. In the past, as an idealistic sort of person, it was easy for me to remove myself from daily life and refuse to face the world as it were. So much more often than not, I was twice as naive as my peers in high school. I grew up thinking premarital sex was an abomination and didn't happen in my immediate surroundings; sobriety was upright and drinking alcohol was bad no matter what; gay people, jocks, and cheerleaders only existed in movies and television; drugs and substance abuse was only done by the bad kids; people were inherently good; organized religion was a wrong turn away from spirituality; and war was a byproduct of injustice and lies and power hungry men of unpleasant background.

There are a few things in there that just aren't black and white, though, and my naivety is a result of overprotective parents and going to a nerd high school sans a stereotypical status quo.

But you know what? I don't have any shame in growing up "sheltered."

Yeah, it gives me a more shocking sense of the world once I take a look at it. Asia, oddly enough, gives me a strange sense of the world. Television thrives on shocking the audience and giving accurate social commentary on the world. Should I be concerned of things poisoning my innocent mind?

Perhaps.

But perhaps not.

If I function as a sponge, I should be concerned. But if I act as a filter; if I take it, accept the world as a reality, withhold judgement not my place to have in the first place, filter it for its value, then it's my responsibility to stay a filter. (You know who was a sponge? Dorian Gray.)

I've been thrown into a world that's not my own and forced to see life for what it is outside of the walls of my ideals. From my upbringing, I did gain a sense of value and an idea of what's right or wrong. I'm not saying that my ideals and values have made a complete 180. They haven't. What I'm saying is that following others and going with the norm is not always bad. What is bad... is uninformed and ignorant following.

An opinion is yours only when you've worked it out and made it consistent with who you are.

Love is like a betta fish

I had a Betta fish by the name of Sam and, like any enthusiastic pet owner at the dawn of the relationship, I took wonderful care of him in the first few months. I gave him his own ten gallon tank, changed the water at least every two weeks, and went to the pet store to buy him new plants and rocks. He was vibrant and wonderful and, best of all, he was friendly. You could tell he had personality.

After a while, I got busy with school and Sam fell to the verge of death. For some reason, I irresponsibly never noticed he was getting sick, taking for granted that Bettas can last for a long time in poor conditions. When it finally dawned on me, he was swimming lopsided and refusing to eat. My poor Sam! I struggled for weeks to get him back to a healthy condition. He was bloated and couldn't eat but I was diligent until the color finally returned to his fins. But I don't think he was the same Sam as before. We couldn't look at each other the same way again. Me, pained with guilt, and he, traumatized by my neglect. He was more hesitant to eat from my finger when I offered him his food. He was less vibrant in color and he stopped blowing bubbles. Yet, in a way, he was still Sam. He was still my Betta fish. And he still followed my finger when I brought it near the glass.

When summer of 2010 came around, I changed the water less and less often. I paid less and less attention to him and stopped considering his feelings when the weather was cold. In short, the cycle had begun all over again despite all that we'd been through together. It was my fault for neglecting him. Sam held in there for a long time and although I was away for most of the week when I was doing research at UCLA, he stayed alive for me and my sister fed him on the days she remembered. On the weekends, I would feed him, but I knew... I just knew that one day, it wouldn't be enough. Then I moved to Hong Kong and I forgot about him. I made my sister make a vague promise to take care of Sam and feed him. Still, he was forgotten.

When I returned, his tank was empty. And to this day, I never paid homage.

RIP. Sam the Betta fish.

I miss you, Sam...