Sometimes, I look back and I think, Did I really do the best thing for myself? Was it worth it coming to Hong Kong and doing something so radically different from my peers? Was it worth leaving everything I once knew? A tried and true educational system (though that is easily debatable), a boyfriend (now long distance), a family still living paycheck to paycheck, sisters who have yet to grow up, caring friends, and stable (but stagnant) spiritual guidance?
One finds his- or herself tugged between the great ambition to lead an uncommon, exceptional life and the other, more simple life. Which is harder? Neither, I'd say, as long as you had the other life in view. Both are riddled with obstacles towards personal growth and both lay out the choices for you: (1) grow and change for the better, (2) revert back towards the worse, (3) do nothing and let life happen to you. The question then becomes, which is more lonely?
The way I've chosen to live my life, by coming to Hong Kong, is just another way of doing things (i'll be fine even though I'm not always right). It caused a lot of discomfort and sparked a lot of changes in me. It witnessed many tears of loneliness and frustration. It brought me to my knees, it forced me to face life head-on, it made me realize that choices (1) through (3) are really the only choices we make in our life, on a daily basis. But at the end of the day, I'm still that girl, daydreaming about my life ahead. Not really sure what I want but I know the direction I want to go (before you ask which way to go, remember where you've been). And when I dream something up, and I'm really passionate about it, I make it happen. I'm stubborn. So I guess that's what is unique about me. Not to mention a bit of luck that floats my way at times. (I also think that God must have some higher purpose for me but that's still unclear at this point.)
When I look back at the courses I took, I could say I learned a lot. But not as much as I would have had I gone somewhere else. The friends I've made have been great but I've never been able to connect to any of them on a deeper level. There are too few people of my same background for me to connect to. I've sacrificed my health to slaving over countless group projects overnight. And the courses are so reliant on self-studying (and no actual in-class learning) that it frustrates me to no end, having had good teachers with comprehensible accents all my life before UST. Finding a job is going to be hard because there's no active recruiting process for U.S. companies. But...
Is HKUST worth it?
A month or two ago, I would tell you I wasn't sure if I'd do it over again given the opportunity. Now, I'd say I'd do it again, but differently. And that's all there is to say.
It's too soon at this point to say whether or not HKUST has gotten me closer to whatever end goals I might be dreaming up. But I have faith that things will work out in my favor as long as I follow my passions. (You ain't the only ones who wanna live it up)
Dedication takes a lifetime.... I've realized that where I am now, and where I still want to go, has never changed. At times, I'd lose sight of what I wanted to accomplish in life but they've always been there. Will HKUST get me there? I'll let you know in a year.
For the record, I can distinctly remember the moments where my major life dreams were born:
1. Physical Therapy -- The first distinct dream I found growing up was a career in physical therapy. I tore my ACL in ninth grade and had to get surgery for it. I had gone against my parents' prohibition to join Track & Field and went ahead and did it without them knowing and without their permission. (Stubborn me..) To my parents, it was retribution. It was devastating to me at the time but the most important thing I took away from it? I went to physical therapy and I literally learned how to walk and I struggled. It sounds like a simple thing but to me it drew so many parallels to life and how we should live it if we wanted to reach our goals. It actually probably made me more stubborn of a person. It taught me that we actually have no choice in life but to move on and face the problems that exist now... if we want to walk in the future. I remember sitting next to a girl who had torn just about every ligament in existence in her knee. We were both sitting there after our therapy sessions with ice on our knees and I remember her reminiscing about her athlete days and how much she'd had to struggle. I remember our brief reflections on how the injuries had changed us as people. And I guess what I discovered was that I wanted to help people learn how to walk. I wanted to teach people that they can overcome obstacles and become better people because of it. I had experienced it firsthand and this, physical therapy, was a career that could help me do just that.
2. Chicago -- The trip I visited the Windy City, I fell in love. It was during a church conference. The topic was "The Nazarites" and it was definitely one of the most spiritually overwhelming weekends of my life up to that point. As I can recall, nothing really comes close. Perhaps that contributed to how much I loved the city coming back home... but I remember there was something so distinct about the way people walked there, the culture, the food, its architecture, and even its history with immigrants and underdogs. I wouldn't say I'm particularly a city girl, since I come from suburban Los Angeles, but something charmed me about the city of Chicago. I told myself I'd live here at one point in my life and the dream never really died down. It's still there and was recently re-ignited by the discovery of Northwestern University's joint PhD in Engineering/Doctorate in Physical Therapy program. I wonder if it's a coincidence that it was started in 2006, is the first program of its kind, and is based in Chicago?
3. Study Abroad -- My first stint with cultures different from my own was realized when I went to Oxford. It was a nerd haven. And, by association, an Asian haven. Growing up, I'd never really noticed any differences between my Asian classmates, the boy from Kenya, the caucasian boy with thick glasses, my Mexican-American best friend, my El Salvador-American best friend, and my caucasian best friend. Mostly because at that age, no one's really all that different. To top it off, there wasn't really a significant demographic disparity in the "Gifted And Talented Education" program I was in. But as time goes on, two things simultaneously happen: (1) as individuals, we begin to embrace the things that make us who we are... and if that includes a unique cultural background, then we often build around that or frame the world with that viewpoint, and (2) we begin to notice distinctions between ourselves and our classmates and, more often than not, segregate to those that are most similar to us. These effects are cyclic and our abilities to connect with anyone like we did in childhood fade away as differences between us become more stark. Just like hydrophobicity and hydrophilicity have gravity in just about every biomolecular concept, human tendency to stay in their comfort zone fortifies society. Personally, I carried this tendency as well, but curiously, I didn't like it that way.
The second stint I had was visiting my Asian spiritual companion's family often during my freshman year. Her dad was Cantonese and her mom was Taiwanese. I had another spiritual companion at the time who was very interested in Chinese culture (for reasons to this day, I still know not) and from there, it spiraled to the formation of a dream to study abroad. I liked the idea of it. In the first place, I liked the idea of studying at National Taiwan University. But gradually, I began to love the idea of studying abroad in general. And not just for a short amount of time. I wanted to immerse myself somewhere and lead a totally different life. Perhaps it was me wanting to get away from the home and my controlling parents. It had caused me so much misery and, in my perception at the time, had stunted my personal development career-wise, talent-wise, and even academically. Perhaps I was called towards the idea of becoming my own person and learning at my own pace; forcing myself into a grand adventure that would eventually lead to my success. Perhaps.
So who knows. I have number 3 knocked off the charts. Numbers 1 and 2 in the near future!
Was it worth it?
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