Journey to Silver Award (President's Cup @ HKUST)

(juneblog #3)

With University President Tony Chan!

I just wanted to announce that my FYP team took the Silver Award for our university's competition for undergraduate research and innovation, the President's Cup 2013. I thought we could take home the whole shebang, but what can I say? I'm very proud of my undergraduate work (more could always be done, of course) and reflecting back, it was an amazing experience. Silver is still pretty dang good, I was passionate, and we did our best!

This will be my procrastination post before I have to buckle down and study hard for finals. I just spent a whole hour typing this whole blog and it got erased for some reason so now I have to spend time to pull it out of my memory once more. (Sigh)

After interim presentations and lunch with our PI.

The journey started out with our supervisor/PI (Dr. Ying Chau), our postdoctoral supervisor (Yuki) who gave us the tools to begin, and the inventor of the chemistry we used in our project (Yu Yu whom I worked with during UROP). During our first meeting, our supervisor was especially harsh on our presentation skills and background search for the project. We were critiqued for knowing so little and, in my view, having a superficial knowledge of the topic. In hindsight, though, I was glad she did that because she set the bar high for us. In turn, we set the standard high for ourselves every step of the way.

I believe the hardest part of any research project is the literature search. It can be painstaking and confusing because you have to filter, process, and integrate and because there's such a large body of existing scientific papers, it requires a lot of analytical stamina. With our FYP, the importance of the initial stages could not be stressed enough. That's when we are setting up the problem, understanding the challenges, and designing your methods of approaching the problem. We threw a lot of ideas out there and it felt like we could only do so much in our limited time.

Having experience with hydrogels before, I spearheaded the project in the beginning and we fell in a good rhythm with team structure, weekly meetings, and experiments. But we weren't perfect in how we worked together and me being the only non-local on the team had nothing to do with it. We all had varied expectations of the project and we needed communication in order to work through disagreements, even if it meant relaying things through other members.

During the winter break, I had a one month leave, over which I fell off the radar in leading the project and making sure everything was up to standard (I can be a really big micro-manager so if I don't know everything that's going on, I tend to get anxious). But where I lacked, my teammates taught me to be better. They were just so awesome beyond words. When I was very depressed during the Chinese New Year, they came to my room and brought me food for the weekend and a laminated copy of our departmental photo. On the back, they gave their signatures with short and sweet messages: "Add oil!", "Cheer up!", "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger." Thinking about that time again, I'm so touched by their actions.

Outside of the first public hospital in HK!

Together with the FYP team, I was happy to find myself in not just a team, but in a family. We went through many new experiences together, including going to the hospital to test out our materials. We got to collaborate with doctors and student-doctors and learned about microvascular surgeries. Our team went to the wet market to buy a pig heart. And we presented our work about five times (I guess this is normal for a researcher?) to the point where we were so well-rehearsed, we didn't have any nervousness when giving our talk to the President of HKUST.

Winning Silver was a surprise, actually, because we thought we would get Gold. But because the judges were from several different departments, the results made it made me realize the unique challenge of bioengineers. No matter what, you are always going to need several years of real clinical research before your work becomes marketable. No one will recognize something that only has "great potential." That's why I'm so excited to be accepted to Berkeley-UCSF's master's program in translational research/medicine (Fall 2013)!

The winning team (also from our Chemical Engineering department) developed a micro-pulse electric water purifier, which more or less has immediate potential in Hong Kong and third world countries. This gives me great pride to say that I studied chemical engineering because the field is so broad and diverse. It was amazing to see the many many things a chemical engineer can do. Most of what we do is aimed at making the world a better place. You can be anything. I am happy to find meaning in my own field (biomaterials, biomedicine).

Finally, to end the journey, we had a farewell dinner at Sai Kung on May 31st with our professor and everyone involved. A nice free meal using the reward money we got for winning the Silver Award (HK3,000). Thank you so much Dr. Ying Chau, Yu Yu, Yuki, and other-Andrea!

Seafood at Sawadee Thai in Sai Kung.

Shook hands with President Tony Chan!

Baggage (juneblog #2)

As I was packing my things, deciding what to keep and what to donate or throw away, I realized that this was not the only type of baggage I had.

Life is a journey and naturally, we need to take things with us. Things that are necessary to our survival and things that carry meaning for us. We call these things "life skills." But other things can be collected too... Feelings of love, feelings of responsibility and gratitude, knowledge from school, attachments to pet animals, attachments to people that bring negativity to your life, emotional residues (leftover resentment for how previous relationships changed me), unnecessary tidbits of information (did you know Kim and Kanye are having a girl?), you get the picture.

But possessions can accumulate if we are not carefully filtering the important things. I am a hoarder in real life. My car used to be filled with old class notes that I'd never look at again, my wallets used to brim with old receipts that I'd never need to use later, I have old scrapbooks and boxes and boxes of things I find sentimental--some so ridiculous like movie or museum tickets. In the same way, I am a hoarder of emotional and mental  baggage. No, I don't hold grudges, but I do tend to hang on to feelings of elation or feelings of anger (at myself) longer than I should. I tend to put too many activities on my plate--more than I can handle--and later I wont have the mental strength to power through them. I tend to hang on to the idea that I have to be the best at everything. I tend to be insecure and I tend to be unhappy with where I am at in life. I've hung on to my past and blamed it more than I need to.

To me, I sound ridiculously broken. But that's always been me. I've always had a very cluttered mind and I guess that also means I've always had a very cluttered heart. I even carry a lot of baggage physically- with the tell tale signs of finals and hell week and holiday weight on my belly and hips.

So what lessons can I take away from my short stint in Hong Kong? It has been a long process of filtering out the unimportant and focusing on the things that matter. As I packed my belongings I've had to toss out stuff I frivolously thought were of value but never realized they didn't have any long term value. If I took more things than I needed on my back, I would struggle to carry huge bags around when moving forward in life.  When it comes down to it, very few things matter in life. You decide what they are for you. Ill hold on to my own dreams and loved ones, too.

* Today, I returned my PRS and have almost settled everything with the financial office. Some crazy stuff happening but yeah, I'll be on a plane soon!

* I also saw Miranda and Shin-shin! Two people ill miss dearly. I hadn't talked to Shin for a while but it was nice to see her again. I remember during my year 1 we all went out to Mong Kok to hang out together. I think that was the first time we all really felt close because we had so much fun together? What a nice way to spend my second to last night in HK, in Mong Kok, with those 2 again. All that was missing was the sticky photos. But a chat over ice cream, hot chocolate, and brownies is nice, too! Miranda still has to send me the photo with all 3 of usss so I'll edit this post with the pictures later~

 ♥ Present (June 2013)

♥ Past (December 2010)

30 Days of Blogging #1

I'm not one to update my blog every day; I don't even know if I'm capable of it, but Sitt tagged me and the month of June is probably going to be full of things to blog about so here we go.

Well, because of some issues with the financial aid office, I've had to delay my flight to the Philippines. That makes me sad because that means there's less time to meet my cousins. It's gonna be the first time I see my extended family on the "Villaroman" side. And if y'all know, besides Daniel at HKUST, I don't really know any others by my surname. In addition, my tita and her husband run a Muay Thai camp near Manila and it sounds like a lot of fun. I've always wanted to devote my time to fitness but have always been torn between that and academics. Alas...

After June 4th (moving day), my friend was nice enough to let me sleep over at her place in Tai Po Tsai. I know now, after packing everything, that I am not a pathological hoarder. I've had to throw away a bunch of notes and I've decided to donate a bunch of my books and clothes. To be honest, I am very happy to leave behind this life in Hong Kong. If there's anything I've learned it's to be thankful for what I have and where I am. I've learned the values of simplicity and focus. And, well, I'm pretty sure I'm ready for what life has to throw at me. Reflection on HK life to come... later...

My goals for this summer are:

- Get fit! (lose 10 lbs) I always make this goal... sigh... but I never get there. I suck.
- Get happy! This is easier said than done. I just need some clarity and a focused mind.
- Travel! in the U.S. of A.

Come with me on this 30 day blogging journey :).

Currently Reading:

reading material courtesy of CY

A letter to my educators and mentors (draft)

"Education."

--connotes many strong ideas. Coming from Asian-American heritage, I've constantly been told that 'education is my wealth' and I need to focus on it, get a degree, and then get a high-paying job which would build upon the life my parents worked so hard to achieve. And, in my opinion, seeing it as a means to an end is not a bad way to see it at all.

However, going through the education system, I have started to develop my own ideas about what education really is and what the education system means to me.

Through much of my life, I'd been exposed to a lot of different ideas about education. Most ideas revolve around a contrast between focusing on test-based learning and nurturing creativity. In truth, measuring performance and talent by tangible or quantitative data (like salary, grant amount, test scores, or brand names) is an unavoidable practice. But that's not to say that proponents for change are unnecessary. The teachers I find most important in my life are those that have made a point to teach past the tests. Or, rather, they stand by the idea that learning is for the sake of problem solving and the creative process. They stand by the idea that great minds are cultivated and not merely spoon-fed.

Beside the typical ideals, however, I believe that the education system should be a means of "paying forward." I mean, paying thousands of dollars for a degree is nuts but all big investments are. Through it all, I feel heavily indebted to professors and mentors who've not only taught me to appreciate their disciplines, but who have done practical things for me as well. They've been an ear to my personal struggles, written letters of recommendations, and given me opportunities I might not have obtained on my own. The email I send once in a blue moon to update them on my endeavors would never be enough. Yet, I feel like I don't have enough to thank them with. I feel like I don't know how to thank them. Or maybe it is enough and it's just a facet of my character to feel extremely indebted?

This self-examination brought me to my current state of mind.

You could argue that many professors are only about vocational ambition--that rearing successful students is just a bragging right or that their research accomplishments are simply a means to fame and promotions just like any occupation. There are many instances where this might be true. And the reality is that some of my former teachers just didn't exude any sparks of inspiration to students. Or, you hear about teachers on tenure that simply "DGAF." You could look at it very cynically.

But without knowing this contrast, I would not feel as fortunate and grateful to have been under the wings of passionate and talented educators. Further to that, these ones helped me realize that becoming an educator means that you dedicate your life to giving. In a system where schooling is an obligatory component of life, that could go unnoticed by a student. You commit your time, resources, and knowledge to young minds. Your job is to pass on the proverbial torch to the next generation.  And the results could be mixed. Sometimes you get a really nice crop. Sometimes you get late bloomers (I consider myself one of them). Sometimes, no matter how much you tend the garden, you feel discouraged.

I wouldn't say that I am successful now or even that I predict great success in my future. Many of my peers are more successful than I am. However, if there was anything I had to say to my mentors, it is written in this letter. It is an IOU of sorts.

The bottom line is that education gave me an opportunity to, put in comical terms, "use my powers for good"  and eventually make something of my life for the good of others. The word "others" can mean different things to different people: society, your country, your community, your loved ones. Education is empowering in this sense. Put idealistically, it continuously enables my power and freedom to make a difference.

My great debt to my mentors is simply to pay it forward. My ultimate job is to educate--not necessarily as a teacher or professor but even as a normal human being.

I will strive use my powers for good and I accept this great responsibility as a lifelong learner. And, yes, I will strive for my own personal success but I will also find success by enabling others to be successful somewhere down the line. This is the true task set before me as I approach the end of my undergraduate education.

Remembering Boston

Maybe it's because running represents so much to me and has always been close to my heart. Maybe it's because I've been a long time Boston fan or because I have friends in and from Boston and one of them in Boston is also into running. Maybe I'm just really sensitive.

I read about the Boston Marathon while I was in class and it just brought tears to my eyes. Marathons are supposed to represent something about the human endeavor, human endurance, and strength. In Boston especially, I feel, it's about true grit and going the distance (read: Celtics). To imagine myself even running the race, let alone witnessing an explosion... I was paralyzed. Running in Boston would have been entirely possible for me in the future and I might have just finished in 4 hours...

I don't know why anyone would do this and I don't have anything profound to say. Just that I'm sad. I'm sad and I feel so incapacitated. Like there's nothing I can do for the world. I have no monetary assets or the physical capacity to go to Boston and help.

Who would do such a thing? I don't know but I concur with those who say that this is not just an attack on America, but an attack on all nations. Nevermind that it was on Patriot's Day... it was still horrible for everyone around the world. It is an attack on humanity and its endurance and strength. The Boston Marathon, like the Standard Chartered, is a global event that invites the best runners from all different nations. It was also an attack on all runners who see running as a metaphor for their own life. Did you know that the Boston Marathon is the world's oldest annual marathon? Do think of those runners who trained through so many months and have all of that culminate into two horrific explosions meant to take lives? They were supposed to be champions in their own mind--believing that they can do anything and overcome human obstacles. Instead, they find tragedy.It makes me mad and disgusted at anyone who would do this. What did the world ever do to you? Do you not believe in humanity? It's just hard for me to believe such people/groups exist. And yet, they've always been around. With different motives, backgrounds, anything I might have to think of that would mitigate the poison of hate I might feel.

If anything, the sole beacon of hope that comes from this is realizing just how much you need to treasure those you hold dear. All I can do is pray. All I know is that my duty now is to be that world citizen I aspire to be. And to do my best in my endeavors so that somehow I'll make positive differences wherever I go.

My One Great Freedom

Look how far I've come. Written December 2008:

Freedom--to do as I please, to choose according to free will--is not mine.

Why? Because, today, I am aiming above the influence of normal standards. I am bound to everything I dedicate myself to.

I am a subtle leader, I admit, because I influence with my love for whatever I do. In high school, I was a varsity athlete in cross country and track and field. But I do not believe it was purely skill that allowed me to be a team captain in both sports. It was bondage. "Sustained motivation" and "hard work" were my mantras in high school athletics. I love Track like hydronium loves hydroxide. We can never be apart. My coaches in middle school awarded me with "Most Motivational" in basketball and track and field, and then again in high school when I ran cross country despite a recent recovery from knee surgery. I became team manager of track when I could not join because of this same surgery. I even continue running with an informal club at Fullerton College. We call ourselves "Club Sexy" but you would laugh if you saw its constituents.

More seriously, however, I am also thoroughly subjected to my past. I must consummate an American Dream. Ghostly memories of epic parent arguments, holes in the walls at our old condominium, crying and wishing that they would not fight reside in my memory. But these would not mean anything if, as the years went by, improvement had never followed. As the oldest daughter in the family, I had weathered with my parents 91.67% of their marriage life. My parents, who were themselves slaves to that intangible American Dream, were the ones who taught me that life is worth forging through. Eventually, we settled into a better environment. My mom stayed at home by agreement while my dad provided what he could by working the night shift and overtime for extra pay. My dad, a former smoker and drinker, lacked an adequate college education, going only as far as an associate's degree. Furthermore, part of the reason I am now at community college is the assumption of care for my sisters: taking them to school, giving them advice, helping them with homework, and allowing each a smooth transition into high school and middle school. Hence, I have a faith, a home, a dog, a trusted education system, and an environment of relative comfort for myself and my sisters; I retain a facsimile of the American Dream with a solemn twist: the demands for sacrifices of comfort, full awareness of disadvantage, and sheer determination always come along for the joyride. Yet the curtains have not dropped just yet.

My enslavement has shaped who I am, yet not as eloquently as one expects. It is a difficult. Kate Chopin believed that living souls have the desires to escape the norm, transcend all the limitations of class and gender roles, and obtain real individual freedom. Yet, to distort her creed, I have escaped the norm by restricting myself to my passions and my past; I am content with my limitations, but my restrictions empower my transcendence, just as my physical limitations empowered me with leadership in athletics; and my one great freedom, which belongs only to me, is the freedom to be restricted by that which I love.

In a snippet of the future:

"The man who sees me in my office wears a bright blue tie with a criss-cross pattern to it. He is a simple man in conduct and a father attached to hope. His five-year old daughter has cerebral palsy and I have been specially trained to help through my work in college.

"She reminds me of one of the kids I used to see at church, where I served as a Children's Praise Leader. She was Japanese, named Manae, who loved tigers. So I drew one for her and she smiled sweetly and told me that tigers don't have stripes on their underbelly. My vision for the future while I was in college included using even small things like a hint of artistic talent that would light up a child's life.

"But if I could bring the same kind of joy to any family, it would surely be through this job as an occupational physical therapy. My specialty? Pediatric neurological disorders.

"I watch as the five-year old looks at my pictures as an athletic leader in high school and the one with the athletic trainer that Aide I worked with as a Volunteer. Then she looks at an old picture in high school where I'm wearing a large leg brace. It was this particular turn in my life that caused me to believe that our perceived limitations could be outdone. My ACL Reconstruction Surgery first led me to sportstherapy, but after volunteering at different places, I decided that path was too boring.

"Research beckoned and the fascinating (and gratifying) call of a unique specialty such as this truly made me extend my boundaries."

In a more current frame:

In high school, my favorite school club was the Environmental Science Club because we were making a difference. As Recycling Director, I wanted change and I wanted to see it done with style. I learned as much as any kid would about dedication. Every week, I biked forty minutes to school on Saturday to do recycling collection and, every week, I helped process the cans and bottles at the Stater Brothers fifteen minutes away. Slowly, I began to see my friends growing green-conscious—not only because the world was getting greener, but because I was part of a club of enzymes, lowering the activation energy.

In college, it was no surprise that I would jump at the newly formed Environmental Protection Agency. Using my past experience on the Publicity Team at Oxford Academy, I became Publicity Officer. Making small changes through this club is satisfying.

Positive change is gratifying, period. That's why I want to get a head start in research and dedicate myself to whatever I do, wherever I go in these next few years.

I got in!

Today, I feel like a certified nerd.

"Dear Andrea, It is our great pleasure to inform you that you have been recommended by the joint UC Berkeley/UCSF Master of Translational Medicine (MTM) Admissions Committee for admission to the MTM program for Fall 2013. Congratulations!"

Wow, words truly cannot describe how excited and uplifted I am because of this! I mean, to be honest, even for all my past achievements, I was not really expecting this. I was surprised that they even asked for an interview. UCSF is a top 5 medical school in the world and Berkeley is a top 5 bioengineering school. I had to muster up as much confidence as I could and convince myself that I belonged with the best of the best (so as to convince my interviewer). That's hard considering I have always felt so incredibly small at HKUST, a school that makes many bright students feel a little bit jaded about themselves (what competitive school doesn't?). And despite it all, an opportunity has suddenly been thrown my way. I am incredibly blessed and privileged and I am especially grateful to all the people that helped me get to where I am. And of course, I thank God for everything.

The big question of course is "So are you going to go?" Well, I am 90% sure yes. After some prayer and consideration, I will probably make a final decision by next week. Turning down a PhD offer with funding has suddenly become a difficult decision. Especially since I love the UC Riverside environment and the enthusiasm of the professors.

For now--Reflection time!

A basketball teammate of mine were studying in the library one day when she came across this slide in her lecture notes for Consumerism and Happiness. Finding it a tidbit I might want to know about, she decided to share it with me. This is where I got stuck on the concept of deviance and it's how it became one of the 3 words I use when I explain why I studied in Hong Kong.

Deviance explains how people interact with the two primary standards of society: (1) the means and (2) the end goal. And I was somewhat flattered that she saw me in the "Innovation" category: someone who tries to do things differently but still tries to achieve culturally sought-after end-goals.

This brings me to article I recently read in the NY Times (The Creative Monopoly by David Brooks) which really highlighted the innovator kind of person I strive to be. Brooks stressed that competition at every level can be a hindrance to creativity and progress because institutional means require that you follow a set path and excel at it. However, creative people are able to find success by forging their way through an unconventional path, something I've tried to do for myself.

I like to think I have many good starting characteristics for creativity/passion:

• Independence
• Longing to be different
• Ability for reflection and learning
• Desire to make the world a freaking better place!
• A small measure of book smart

Seriously, the world needs passionate people (after reading the article, I also happened to research Peter Thiel who supports a lot of young social entrepreneurial work, which is also very interesting!). It's something I've believed ever since I wanted to enter into healthcare-- passion is what creates change. It's a catalyst, a fuel, something that all people can obtain.

I've seen the tip of the iceberg in terms of the deficits in the world. The truth is, there are deficits in everything--in healthcare, in education, in research methodology, in energy technology. Something can always be made better. In HKUST, the concept of innovation was almost brainwashed into my subconscious, with the twist towards business, business, business. Innovation isn't as simple as hard science or recognizing a problem or even simply advocating something. Society is a delicate thing and it requires a certain type of person to implement change based on innovation!

Maybe that's what drew me to the MTM program and maybe that's why the MTM committee believed I am a fit for their program. If anything, my background prepared me and put me in a position where I can take all the things I've seen and learned in life and piece it all together. I am ready to be groomed and it's very likely that the MTM program can do just that for me. San Francisco has so much to offer...

Maybe I'm being naive but I've been naive for much of my life and I think that's part of what keeps passion alive. I don't need to care about being inadequate or incompetent. The door--to a creative career in healthcare/medicine and leading others to having passionate lives--has opened. I may not have the specifics down, but here I am, eager to make a difference.

Well, it's the final sprint in my undergraduate life, guys. Can't burn out now. It's time to win this race.

My boy being a weirdo during our last Berkeley visit :).

Creative people don’t follow the crowds; they seek out the blank spots on the map. Creative people wander through faraway and forgotten traditions and then integrate marginal perspectives back to the mainstream. Instead of being fastest around the tracks everybody knows, creative people move adaptively through wildernesses nobody knows. -- David Brooks (The Creative Monopoly, NY Times)

A Self-Pep Talk

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to have "privilege." It's probably been beaten to pulp by now, but this blog is for the sake of reflection not originality so I am going to go through with it. Note that when I say privilege, I mean wealth--not just in money, but in fiscal wisdom, network, and anything that would lead to the secular view of success.

... Hong Kong is about wealth and money. Many students who study here have parents that can afford to send them to rich international schools. Many have parents who work for big banks or are insanely successful government workers, executives, or professors. Their parents are willing to pay for their kids' education and give them everything to make life easier. The money buys them cultivation of skills and talents; it lets them focus on things that would otherwise be something one did on the side.

As much as it's easy to say that these people are spoiled and entitled, it would be a reflection of jealousy and an unjustified sense of entitlement. If I'm being honest with myself, I have often felt jealous of people who have what I don't have. But feeling that way doesn't do any good. I'm being unfair to myself.

After all, it's really what you do with your privilege that matters.

That last thought reminded me of the biblical parable of the master and his servants. Before taking leave, a master allotted talents of different amounts (5, 2, and 1) to three of his servants (1 talent was worth approximately 20 years of labor). The servants who were given 5 and 2 talents both went out and doubled his allotment for his master. When the master returned, he rewarded them by setting them over many possessions. In contrast, the servant with the 1 talent hid his allotment in the ground and returned to the master exactly what he was given (1 talent). The master was especially harsh to this servant--calling him evil and slothful and giving the 1 talent to the servant with 10.

I have often thought about what would have happened if the last servant had done what the first two had done. It might have been difficult for him. After all, whats a man of 5 talents compared to a man of 1?

One transparent lesson (out of the many you can take from this parable) is that no matter how poorly the cards were shuffled against you, you can always make something better of it. And in fact, it's your responsibility to make something out of what you have. Because a talent is a talent. Maybe you serve a higher being, society, or even a grander version of your self--but why would you waste your life by hiding what you've got, keeping it to yourself, and turning into Gollum from Lord of the Rings?

For me, I do believe I've been allotted more talents (not in the form of money) in life than the average person and I've got to keep going in life to make the best of those talents. My friends and my family--they are my talents. My intellect and determination to problem-solve, my amiability, my passion for improving holistic health--these are my talents. I may not have the genius to discover time travel; I may not have the charisma to change the political landscape of North America; I may not have the hands of a stellar doctor that changes the lives of thousands. But I am determined to use my intellect and problem solving to make the contributions where I can.

The major challenge, however, is I don't know exactly how to optimize my potential. How could one possibly make the best of our own talents without a clear direction? Without a path set out for me?

But that's another of my talents. The ability to forge my own paths.

Here comes the sun

In the midst of WWII's darkest hour, the famous words, "This was their finest hour" emerged. It was a beacon of radiotransmitted hope-- a mentality that preserved those plagued by the uncertainty of war.

Winston Churchill, with his speech, changed the outlook of a nation. Those words are powerful for powerful times. Still -

This landscape of war can also be microscopic- molecular, even, and Higgs boson-like.

As a final year undergraduate student, spring is the time when all my peers are looking for jobs and dealing with the weights of uncertainty. The uncertainty sticks as a frozen mallet. We forego doors that may never open again or desperately knock onto closed ones. We are lost in what might or might not come. And. In the midst of our darkest hours, we are bitterly tested. I fight my own internal wars- between "comfortable and easy" me and the me that wants to... well, be a winner.

Okay, I'm being overly dramatic. But in all seriousness....

Updates

• Friends are always my beacon of hope. I miss you all! I'm rooting for you guys as I root for my own success. Wish you all the best in pharm school, med school, moving up in your job, landing that job, grad school, etc etc. Love, as always. We shall conspire to take over the world.
• Ummm, need to get back into RESEARCH MODE, pronto. President's Cup is due to April 10th and our team only has one month to collect relevant data!!

Grad School Stuff

• Rejected: Northwestern (March 1)
• Interview: UCSF/Berkeley (March 5) - Super stoked about this interview but waaaayyy nervous, too. I want it bad, guys. I want it bad.
• Accepted: UC Riverside (Feb 14) - An awesome offer! Seriously considering it.

 Notes to Self

• I miss these fools.

• I need to invest in professional photos ASAP.

Lessons in Self-worth

Hey, non-readers! I have excellent news for you. I just got accepted to a PhD program (Mechanical Engineering) at UC Riverside--my first reply! Sounds like a sweet offer with 14K stipend per year for 3 years. I have a pretty good place to go to if I don't get into my dream program (Berkeley or Northwestern).

But. It's a door I can't back out of.

And that is scary. I mean HK was a gutsy move and after all the challenges I had to overcome, it makes me scared to make any more gutsy moves. Somewhere down the road, I really have gained more of self-worth and a sense of capacity, but in this day and age, I feel like I'm constantly being... "shut down".

More importantly:

I have been depressed for the past few weeks, thinking about the woulda-coulda-shouldas.

The admissions office at HKUST just told me that I was supposed to finish in 5 semesters and it makes me mad to know that it was possible and they didn't tell me. It makes me mad that because of this 5 semester thing, I have to move out of my hall place and live off-campus. It makes me mad that I'm so far removed from the people that I love and care about back home. The people here are great but it's not home. The admissions office here is a pain... and I don't think there's any reason for them to not take better care of their international students. Especially when it just comes down to keeping us properly informed. I don't care if a hall place is only guaranteed for two years; you just have to inform us beforehand. We're a school that BOASTS internationalization. And that's just the beginning of it...

Depression a dim and dangerous place to be. Dropping all of my responsibilities like they were flies. I feel dysfunctional. And the only thing I can do is try to climb out with my drained strength. A poison sets in. And the worst thing? It's unwarranted! It's a constant conflict. Y'know what I'm saying? "You're being melodramatic." "You're overthinking things." "You need to calm down!"

I am pleased with the acceptance, nonetheless. UC Riverside is getting a good reputation, the projects are interesting, and my sister might go there. For someone who wants to work in biotechnology, a PhD in mechanical engineering is a useful thing to have. Life is headed in a positive direction, I try to tell myself.

People live and people grow. People change. It's time for me to leave this quiescent phase of my life.