Lessons in Self-worth

Hey, non-readers! I have excellent news for you. I just got accepted to a PhD program (Mechanical Engineering) at UC Riverside--my first reply! Sounds like a sweet offer with 14K stipend per year for 3 years. I have a pretty good place to go to if I don't get into my dream program (Berkeley or Northwestern).

But. It's a door I can't back out of.

And that is scary. I mean HK was a gutsy move and after all the challenges I had to overcome, it makes me scared to make any more gutsy moves. Somewhere down the road, I really have gained more of self-worth and a sense of capacity, but in this day and age, I feel like I'm constantly being... "shut down".

More importantly:

I have been depressed for the past few weeks, thinking about the woulda-coulda-shouldas.

The admissions office at HKUST just told me that I was supposed to finish in 5 semesters and it makes me mad to know that it was possible and they didn't tell me. It makes me mad that because of this 5 semester thing, I have to move out of my hall place and live off-campus. It makes me mad that I'm so far removed from the people that I love and care about back home. The people here are great but it's not home. The admissions office here is a pain... and I don't think there's any reason for them to not take better care of their international students. Especially when it just comes down to keeping us properly informed. I don't care if a hall place is only guaranteed for two years; you just have to inform us beforehand. We're a school that BOASTS internationalization. And that's just the beginning of it...

Depression a dim and dangerous place to be. Dropping all of my responsibilities like they were flies. I feel dysfunctional. And the only thing I can do is try to climb out with my drained strength. A poison sets in. And the worst thing? It's unwarranted! It's a constant conflict. Y'know what I'm saying? "You're being melodramatic." "You're overthinking things." "You need to calm down!"

I am pleased with the acceptance, nonetheless. UC Riverside is getting a good reputation, the projects are interesting, and my sister might go there. For someone who wants to work in biotechnology, a PhD in mechanical engineering is a useful thing to have. Life is headed in a positive direction, I try to tell myself.

People live and people grow. People change. It's time for me to leave this quiescent phase of my life.