finals are over

today i just want to write. i really don't know what to write but it's been so long since i poured out anything genuine. and this was supposed to be a formal journal but i can slip once in a while; finals are over. you know, even if this adventure in hong kong ends because i lost my scholarship (i didn't and i won't), i honestly feel like this year will not have been wasted.

i love everyone i've met, the ideals i chased, and the self i'm discovering. and even though it's hard, i even love my long distance relationship. i can be silly and insecure. he can be distant and inexpressive. it may have been his timing. but without him, i would have never learned i was strong enough to love someone at a point in my life i was beginning to doubt myself. how much could i honestly care about and devote my heart to the important people in my life?

i used to put up this front of caring about humanity in general but it came with ulterior thoughts of putting out an image. i never felt consistent love or companionship in my house. being truly attached to people is one of the most difficult things for me. i've never had a friend that i could cry over if they moved away. i thought about myself too much. i pitied myself. i was selfish. i mean, i'm still as selfish and self-centered as the next person, but now i understand this: the people around you: they give you reasons to love humanity in general. they're the ones that teach you what it means to be human, what it means to chase happiness, what it means to play, what it means to love. now, the people i consider my friends and comrades, i cry when i think about losing them. even my family, who i've always felt detachment from: flawed humanity is a beautiful thing. and the pseudo-traumas to my personality that stemmed from my youth--they help connect me to people, they help me feel real. despite the fact i've been a disney girl, constantly wishing for happy endings and idealism, i think i'd rather have struggles. when i become successful, my struggles will keep me grounded and grateful for wherever i end up.

even if i had to abandon this endeavor in hong kong, the kinds of things i found, i can still keep in my heart.

"Yearning is a Sickness"

English Translation:

when you are on the other side of the mountains, my lonely path seems endless...

how many times in life do you realize, too late, that
you’ve already lost what’s most important to you?
people don’t have foresight, it’s only after you make the mistake
that you’ll see the one you blamed was yourself
they say that’s life, you live and learn,
and you can hide tears but you can’t avoid the emotions you have.
i don’t know how to ask the world to stop turning,
i know ignoring it isn’t useful at all
it’s just that at this time, at night
i still return to the unforgettable memories
i think my longing* is a sickness; and it cannot be cured

when you are on the other side of the mountains, my lonely path seems endless
i sometimes feel you breathing behind me, but i’ve never felt the deepest thoughts of your heart

foolishly forgetting the people who need our love and care,
in the end, we drift apart through our excuses
without realizing it, we constantly complain and annoy
because we refuse to look back at ourselves, see ourselves
and just what foolish things we’ve done.
maybe it’s that God testing me,
it’s just that this wound needs a bit of time,
it’s just that i long for before,
the people that are now far from me,
and soon we find this distance... become memories

when you are on the other side of the mountains, my lonely path seems endless
i sometimes feel you breathing behind me, but i’ve never felt the deepest thoughts of your heart
oh longing is a sickness, oh longing is a sickness, a sickness

how long has it been since you’ve said “i love you"?
how long has it been since you’ve embraced the ones you love?
when this world is no longer so beautiful,
only love can make things better,
i believe, it’s still not too late, ignore all the nagging,
don’t let unhappy things obstruct your path,
just afraid you won’t speak, just afraid you won’t act
don't let the regret continue, there’s still time

*[longing: yearning, nostalgia, reminiscence]
translated by Frank Gan

Wishing I Could Be In Two Places at Once

Sadly, I think I am missing the One-Zone Korfball Invitational and the last USFHK basketball match since I won't be back until early February. Our matches are on the 22nd(basketball) and 23rd(korfball) of January. I'm even missing winter basketball camp! I didn't think I would.... but I am really going to miss all the friends I made first semester. I didn't expect to have sentimental feelings after only a few months!

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