finals are over

today i just want to write. i really don't know what to write but it's been so long since i poured out anything genuine. and this was supposed to be a formal journal but i can slip once in a while; finals are over. you know, even if this adventure in hong kong ends because i lost my scholarship (i didn't and i won't), i honestly feel like this year will not have been wasted.

i love everyone i've met, the ideals i chased, and the self i'm discovering. and even though it's hard, i even love my long distance relationship. i can be silly and insecure. he can be distant and inexpressive. it may have been his timing. but without him, i would have never learned i was strong enough to love someone at a point in my life i was beginning to doubt myself. how much could i honestly care about and devote my heart to the important people in my life?

i used to put up this front of caring about humanity in general but it came with ulterior thoughts of putting out an image. i never felt consistent love or companionship in my house. being truly attached to people is one of the most difficult things for me. i've never had a friend that i could cry over if they moved away. i thought about myself too much. i pitied myself. i was selfish. i mean, i'm still as selfish and self-centered as the next person, but now i understand this: the people around you: they give you reasons to love humanity in general. they're the ones that teach you what it means to be human, what it means to chase happiness, what it means to play, what it means to love. now, the people i consider my friends and comrades, i cry when i think about losing them. even my family, who i've always felt detachment from: flawed humanity is a beautiful thing. and the pseudo-traumas to my personality that stemmed from my youth--they help connect me to people, they help me feel real. despite the fact i've been a disney girl, constantly wishing for happy endings and idealism, i think i'd rather have struggles. when i become successful, my struggles will keep me grounded and grateful for wherever i end up.

even if i had to abandon this endeavor in hong kong, the kinds of things i found, i can still keep in my heart.