Movie of the week: Garden State.
Book of the month: MCAT Prep.
HKUST is pretty much official now. Unless the FedEx is actually a visa denial, in which case, I frown upon my life! I just found out that transferring to UC Irvine would take three years just because that's how the class scheduling is; absolutely ridiculous. I wonder if I should have backed up with UCLA Biophysics after all. Oh well, that's behind me. I'm going to Hong Kong anyway.
Before accepting HKUST's admission offer, I secretly wanted something decided for me. I secretly wanted an ultimatum to make my decision more dramatic. But I lucked out and had the best boyfriend in the world tell me that it was okay. There are obviously mixed feelings for him... I didn't get a promise that we'd be together for as long as my duration there, but I got the reassurance that I definitely meant enough to him that we would try. And that's all I can ask for.
Before word of the visa, I wanted something decided for me because I didn't want to be faced with a decision. I wanted to stop wavering back and forth between UC Irvine and HKUST. If it were denied, I still had a good alternative, academic career still possible, albeit harder to work for. If it were approved, then I could resume the process of aspiring towards a unique academic career. It's approved. And all the navigations are pointed to Hong Kong. Nothing even remotely says it was the wrong choice for me. I guess I'll find out when I get there.
I was inspired when I found out about the visa to get Skype's paid online subscription for SkypeOut. I even got an online phone number for SkypeIn! :)
Current issue: Mercury Insurance has full coverage for my car's damages (estimated $4,900), so that's good. But now the insurance companies are going to fight over liabilities. Need to call Mercury Insurance and give them my statement about what happened. Even though I'm confident nothing was my fault, I'm nervous.
quiescent (adj)
1. quiet, inactive, or dormant
2. marked by a state of tranquil repose
28 July 2010
23 July 2010
The Definition of "Jaded"
"Jaded" is an emotional resignation to apathy. Because feeling nothing is better than having formerly felt.
The extremes are just too unpleasant.
The extremes are just too unpleasant.
19 July 2010
Whimsical Wishes of a Female Friend
I like to pride myself in being pretty rational because I can control my emotional needs fairly well. But... sometimes... well, there's just something incomplete about my independence. There's still an innate and cynical belief that I will never be truly cared for by someone. That I will always be unhappy and uncertain of the reality of true love. Part of me needs security and something to hold onto when I'm feeling weak. There's still an emotional child within me that longs to have someone pay constant attention to my deficiencies and nurse me to health. I couldn't have such security served to me from my parents, so I look for it elsewhere. It's the part I believe can't be filled on your own, no matter how much you believe happiness and completeness have to be artificed by personal perspectives. It's the part that longs for love.
Was it really so fantastical to dream of someone where I am their last thought at nightfall and their first in the morning? When I asked if some kind of certainty could be offered to me like a phone call and me with the full faith that I wouldn't be let down... was it too much to ask? Do I need to lower my standards of Prince Charming just to be happy and secure where I am or is there a way I can truly share love?
Love isn't all about being happy all the time, but certainly it should be about having the confidence that you won't be let down? Having the confidence that false hopes won't be elevated? Knowing that someone is making the effort to show you their love? Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to be left with no choice. :O.. Sometimes I feel like this is all one cruel test. One thing I hate about myself is the level of energy and emotion I'm capable of putting into relationships. No, it's not too little. It's just... too much. For some reason, I'm feeling pretty jaded.
There are a few things I miss about high school. A feeling I was given by one person in particular. And that's the feeling of value. It may have been a delusion, but it was an awfully nice delusion. I miss being understood. I miss being around someone who could see through my smiles and outter persona, and detect the pain and lack of human companionship I felt because of day to day struggles.
There's always that one person I remember so clearly. So beautifully that our friendship or relationship, whatever it was, could not be looked back on without the whimsical wish of feeling that sense of comradeship and connection again. That sense of being the only two people in the world that could comprehend each other. I miss talking about everything from mundane topics to current events to bigger ideas about life. I miss talking about REAL THINGS. Ideas. It seemed as I grew older, I became more superficial and less real.
Maybe it's because as we grow older, we seem to find that outter happiness is the easier and swifter to obtain. Therefore, we seek outter happiness and abandon young, naive idealism.
Was it really so fantastical to dream of someone where I am their last thought at nightfall and their first in the morning? When I asked if some kind of certainty could be offered to me like a phone call and me with the full faith that I wouldn't be let down... was it too much to ask? Do I need to lower my standards of Prince Charming just to be happy and secure where I am or is there a way I can truly share love?
Love isn't all about being happy all the time, but certainly it should be about having the confidence that you won't be let down? Having the confidence that false hopes won't be elevated? Knowing that someone is making the effort to show you their love? Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to be left with no choice. :O.. Sometimes I feel like this is all one cruel test. One thing I hate about myself is the level of energy and emotion I'm capable of putting into relationships. No, it's not too little. It's just... too much. For some reason, I'm feeling pretty jaded.
There are a few things I miss about high school. A feeling I was given by one person in particular. And that's the feeling of value. It may have been a delusion, but it was an awfully nice delusion. I miss being understood. I miss being around someone who could see through my smiles and outter persona, and detect the pain and lack of human companionship I felt because of day to day struggles.
There's always that one person I remember so clearly. So beautifully that our friendship or relationship, whatever it was, could not be looked back on without the whimsical wish of feeling that sense of comradeship and connection again. That sense of being the only two people in the world that could comprehend each other. I miss talking about everything from mundane topics to current events to bigger ideas about life. I miss talking about REAL THINGS. Ideas. It seemed as I grew older, I became more superficial and less real.
Maybe it's because as we grow older, we seem to find that outter happiness is the easier and swifter to obtain. Therefore, we seek outter happiness and abandon young, naive idealism.
15 July 2010
Grated Princess Peach
So I went out to play volleyball with my housemates and the brothers at UCLA. It was the first time in a while and, as always, I tried to justify my deficiencies before the male gender by playing the helpless (aka damsel in distress) role. Examples: "I don't know how to play this!", "I don't want to stand here..", "I haven't played in a while." It's a defense mechanism; I hope no one finds it annoying. Everyone thinks I'm pretty decent at sports and even though I hadn't touched a volleyball for as long as I can remember, I still got compliments. Which brings me to talk more about the damsel in distress role and why even the most strong and independent of the female gender can fall prey to the complex.
First of all, it's an easy role to play. Acting helpless literally means you don't have to do anything or try very hard. And you can even throw in a bit of cuteness into it.
Second: In traditional stories, damsel in distress attracts the best and most prince charming-esque men. And we all know this knight in shining armor is a cultural icon for ROMANCE. Furthermore, it seems to attract attention. What girl wouldn't want attention and romance? Unless it's the wrong kind of attention. And a bad romance. (Rah-rah-ah-ah...)
Thirdly, it's a cop-out. I tend to shamelessly abuse my stereotypical role as a female to avoid a job. Sometimes it's nice to let men do all the work, you know. Even if you are fully capable of doing it yourself.
Last: There are many other points, but I'll mention this one. Society. Although the shifting dynamo of societal gender roles is apace, there is still residual influence. Girls are taught by the physical actions, not the passing of knowledge, of our peers, mentors, media and hollywood icons, and elders, that we must assume tasks more suited to our capacities. Homemaking, cooking, and childbirth. And oh yeah, let's not forget scanty visual stimulation for men. Knowledge and ideals, as we would have it, counteract all of this and help empower women. We are still, however, under a hazy influence because genetics and physiological differences are undeniable facts that the female stereotype was built upon.
Why the Damsel In Distress Complex is failing in modern society:
It's increasingly evident among my male companions that the helpless role is losing its beguile. People are starting to see through it and deem it unattractive. They want someone capable, intelligent (equal but not more intelligent), and trustworthy. These are qualities opposite to that of the traditional damsel.
Then we look to how society is changing and how more women are achieving more things. The traditional tomboy role is losing persecution and many capable women harbor a good amount of pride for their gender. Jane Eyre, one of my favorite classics, speaks wonders:
So why, despite the failing role of the damsel, do I fall prey to such a complex?
Conclusion: It's an easy way out of being a stronger person. Because strength and capability take work to maintain. Because being different is a lonely position and being helpless at least keeps you company. At least I'm realizing all this and I try to keep myself in check. I have my weaknesses, of course, just as any other person does. But I love the fact that I'm a science nerd and a geek. I love sports and being active; basketball, track, volleyball, ultimate frisbee. I love the admiration and respect I get when I tell people I'm an engineering major aiming for medical school. I love that my boyfriend would have me no other way: independent, rational, and active. No way am I going to hold to this route of escapism!
There is one last undeniable fact I would like to point out. Princess Zelda is just soo much hotter than Princess Peach.
First of all, it's an easy role to play. Acting helpless literally means you don't have to do anything or try very hard. And you can even throw in a bit of cuteness into it.
Second: In traditional stories, damsel in distress attracts the best and most prince charming-esque men. And we all know this knight in shining armor is a cultural icon for ROMANCE. Furthermore, it seems to attract attention. What girl wouldn't want attention and romance? Unless it's the wrong kind of attention. And a bad romance. (Rah-rah-ah-ah...)
Thirdly, it's a cop-out. I tend to shamelessly abuse my stereotypical role as a female to avoid a job. Sometimes it's nice to let men do all the work, you know. Even if you are fully capable of doing it yourself.
Last: There are many other points, but I'll mention this one. Society. Although the shifting dynamo of societal gender roles is apace, there is still residual influence. Girls are taught by the physical actions, not the passing of knowledge, of our peers, mentors, media and hollywood icons, and elders, that we must assume tasks more suited to our capacities. Homemaking, cooking, and childbirth. And oh yeah, let's not forget scanty visual stimulation for men. Knowledge and ideals, as we would have it, counteract all of this and help empower women. We are still, however, under a hazy influence because genetics and physiological differences are undeniable facts that the female stereotype was built upon.
Why the Damsel In Distress Complex is failing in modern society:
It's increasingly evident among my male companions that the helpless role is losing its beguile. People are starting to see through it and deem it unattractive. They want someone capable, intelligent (equal but not more intelligent), and trustworthy. These are qualities opposite to that of the traditional damsel.
Then we look to how society is changing and how more women are achieving more things. The traditional tomboy role is losing persecution and many capable women harbor a good amount of pride for their gender. Jane Eyre, one of my favorite classics, speaks wonders:
Women are supposed to be very calm generally: but women feel just as men feel; they need exercise for their faculties, and a field for their efforts as much as their brothers do; they suffer from too rigid a restraint, too absolute a stagnation, precisely as men would suffer; and it is narrow-minded in their more privileged fellow-creatures to say that they ought to confine themselves to making puddings and knitting stockings, to playing on the piano and embroidering bags. It is thoughtless to condemn them, or laugh at them, if they seek to do more or learn more than custom has pronounced necessary for their sex.
So why, despite the failing role of the damsel, do I fall prey to such a complex?
Conclusion: It's an easy way out of being a stronger person. Because strength and capability take work to maintain. Because being different is a lonely position and being helpless at least keeps you company. At least I'm realizing all this and I try to keep myself in check. I have my weaknesses, of course, just as any other person does. But I love the fact that I'm a science nerd and a geek. I love sports and being active; basketball, track, volleyball, ultimate frisbee. I love the admiration and respect I get when I tell people I'm an engineering major aiming for medical school. I love that my boyfriend would have me no other way: independent, rational, and active. No way am I going to hold to this route of escapism!
There is one last undeniable fact I would like to point out. Princess Zelda is just soo much hotter than Princess Peach.
13 July 2010
The Secret Life of a Blogger
Introduction to this point in my life:
- Working at UCLA Biological Chemistry; Biomedical Sciences Research; Undergraduate Cancer Research Training partnership with Charles Drew University. This is currently my LIFE right now. Not taking classes or doing anything academic yet besides review before I start Fall classes.
- Got into a car accident recently, 7/12/2010. Will probably be blogging about the aftermath soon. I'm not the one at fault but hopefully the insurance companies agree to help pay for the damages, estimated at $4,900.
- Going to HKUST in the Fall, waiting for visa to be processed by the Hong Kong Immigration Department. I will be studying Chemical and Bioproduct Engineering. Definitely a high priority and it is the cause of much anxiety. My experiences abroad will be documented here and hopefully it will inspire many others to do something out of the ordinary.
- In a relationship with one of the best persons I could ever have had the privilege of loving, Hieu.
- Aiming for medical school. Who said I shouldn't dream? If not, then I will be continuing for a masters in Chemical or Bio Engineering.
- Up and down relationship with my family. In a financial rut. Trying to work hard so not to cause any more strain and maybe be able to help out in the future. But with that car accident... bleh. I just pray that everything turns out for the better.
- Working at UCLA Biological Chemistry; Biomedical Sciences Research; Undergraduate Cancer Research Training partnership with Charles Drew University. This is currently my LIFE right now. Not taking classes or doing anything academic yet besides review before I start Fall classes.
- Got into a car accident recently, 7/12/2010. Will probably be blogging about the aftermath soon. I'm not the one at fault but hopefully the insurance companies agree to help pay for the damages, estimated at $4,900.
- Going to HKUST in the Fall, waiting for visa to be processed by the Hong Kong Immigration Department. I will be studying Chemical and Bioproduct Engineering. Definitely a high priority and it is the cause of much anxiety. My experiences abroad will be documented here and hopefully it will inspire many others to do something out of the ordinary.
"Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
- In a relationship with one of the best persons I could ever have had the privilege of loving, Hieu.
- Aiming for medical school. Who said I shouldn't dream? If not, then I will be continuing for a masters in Chemical or Bio Engineering.
- Up and down relationship with my family. In a financial rut. Trying to work hard so not to cause any more strain and maybe be able to help out in the future. But with that car accident... bleh. I just pray that everything turns out for the better.
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