Living with regret

Regret (n) - a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

There's always something. Something we have to live by.

Word is out now that a fellow international student in her last year here suddenly passed away last Saturday. She was in my Mandarin class in my first semester at HKUST and I still remember her warmth and her pretty smile. I wish we had talked more...

Since our lives only crossed paths briefly, the depth of my feelings go a few steps past general human sympathy, but I know so many other people are grieving on a deeper and more profound level and that... that is what makes me really sad.

It's always these moments that make us realize how quickly a life can just end.

Regret can be such a sad thing... not saying goodbye... never reconciling differences... not having the chance to tell someone how much you care about them... never getting that heart-to-heart with someone. When a life is lost, it's almost always about what you didn't do rather than what you did. Because actions of the heart can undo the things you might have done but if you never take the initiative, then that's regret. I can't imagine losing someone close to me. I can't... and I don't ever want to imagine such a thing... but it's a sad reality that life is not something to be taken for granted and we need to keep that in mind whenever we have friction with those we love.

Depending on the kind of regret you live by, regret can make you a person for the worst or for the better. It's always going to be what you make of it. There's the kind of regret I described above which might motivate us to treasure those around us or cause us to be cynical towards the world.

Then there are regrets over the mistakes you made. I know I've done some things in the past I'm not too proud of.

But I wouldn't want to have a spotless track record, you know? Regret gives me some definition. I mean, sure, maybe life would be different if that thing didn't happen. I'm prone to thinking that in some ways, life would be better.

But how much better would it be, really? The events and circumstances surrounding our life are just that 10% of what happens to us. Just how gracefully would I have reacted to a life full of perfection and a slate wiped clean of mistakes? Regret gives me something to react to. I'm compelled to do something about that regret.

So I've got my regret to live against. And I've got the future to live for.

Rest in peace Yelim...