"I love you."
I haven't blogged about it in a while so I guess I'll take a shot at it for my own benefit, of course.
Last night, I dreamed I was going to get married. Then before the wedding, I called it off, advocating for my youth (I was 19 in my dream) and fearing that the love was not strong enough, it was too soon, and that the only reason the marriage was happening was because of what comes with it - "consummation." The funny thing is that my parents and the rest of the world was okay with the marriage proposal. This is in contrast to my not-so-urgent fears for the future (concerns such as parents, culture, and the biggest thing: God). Somehow none of those surfaced, and it was me who painted the issue.
Ultimately, it came down to the fear that love wasn't real.
My dreams have been all over the place and scary these days - in the morning, I gain consciousness in a sudden matter by opening my eyes and realizing I was dreaming. And this last dream had me thinking a bit too much. I guess I haven't blogged about "love" for a while because I've always thought that thinking about these things too early in my current relationship will ruin the progression of love. I mean, if I keep thinking about what it should be (patient, kind, does not envy, [...] forever.), then I'll be forever unsatisfied and everything would be unnatural. A sly piece of aphorism: "Love takes time." No need to rush into what it should or shouldn't be, right? Or wrong? Or what? Need I a little faith?
...
I used to blog endlessly about the great blessings God has given to me - my struggle with serving Him and loving Him - my tendency to be lukewarm. But all in all, I loved God and I was sure that He was Love. Am I still sure?
I've kept it so hidden.
But guys, I'm coming out of the closet.
NO, not THAT closet.
I've never believed in religion. I think it's paired too often with narrow-mindedness. You could never find greater, objective Truth if you had "religion." So I never considered myself a religious person. I have morals, beliefs, value in virtue, and general self-constraint. But not religion.
But when you ask me about God, I believe in Him. And I swear to you, the most difficult and probably darkest times in my life were when I doubted his existence six years ago. I don't ever want to go back. But these days... the feeling... the faith... the spiritual fire... the hope for Light in the world... that general sense of something greater I once felt - where has it gone? I can only hold on to the knowledge that I have felt these things at one point in my life.
My appetite for God is fading. And when that appetite fades, I begin to wonder how the God we imagine could exist in our forsaken society. In prayer, holding on to faith has been the most difficult part of my journey through life. And I honestly believe this is an issue many Christians, especially those who grew up as Christians, struggle with. Why not explore other religions? Because, as I have said, they are just religions and I have never believed in religion. Do I believe in Confucius? Yes, I believe he existed and that he has shared vast amount of wisdom regarding the human soul, but I don't think that he is God. What about Allah? The concept of multi-deities? Hinduism? Animism? Or why not just believe in evolution and the scientific thought that life appeared by chance chemical reactions that propelled the entropy of the universe?
Please forgive me 'when I refuse holding to these (which is different from tolerating or understanding) because I know I have experienced God at some point in my life. And that there was a point I saw Him as the ultimate Truth and the ultimate meaning of Love.
It's just that society paints over Truth with Religion, and Love with Lust, Sex-Appeal, and Obsession. Unless you can peel under all of that, it's really difficult to understand what Truth and Love really is. I'm just so confused and unsure now of what to believe... or maybe it's not what but HOW to believe in the what. Religion is the answer to how. But worrying about that how part just seems to be the biggest problem I have with religion. I mean, not to bash but the Roman Catholic Church has some crazy rituals/traditions that really don't make any sense and don't bring anyone closer to Truth OR God.
... So I have digressed about religion.
Let me talk about love once more. Though I must admit, religion is a much more engaging topic.
In the past, I've written about Love in terms of God. How I learned how to love just by loving God. I've written about Love in terms of soulmates and how I've always wanted to believe in the idea of another half. I've written about trust being staple in a loving relationship. I've contemplated the caveats of confusing being "in love" and "loving" someone, lusting versus loving, caring versus committing, saying things that you don't mean, what have you.
Have I ever admitted to myself, by blog, where I ultimately have conversation with myself and reflect on my nuisance emotions, that I was in love? Not really.. Have I always been so engrossed in self-interest, ambition, self-redemption, seeking an idea and feeling of love rather than allow love to come naturally? Probably... How do you know what love is? How does one even BEGIN to comprehend the idea of romantic, real, and true Love all in one? I can perform the action of loving. But will the motivation behind it be love? Crap, I'm beginning to confuse myself.
I'm just gonna let it come naturally.
(Not THAT naturally.)
Let time work it's magic.
"I love you."
So why do I say it if I'm not 100% sure what Love, the objective idea of it at least, really is?
I say it because I have faith I really mean it. I say it because nothing else, past or present, compares to the way I feel about him. I say it because I love him mentally, emotionally, and yes physically. My mind can't thrive without him (though of course, more intellectual conversation would fuel my intellectual attraction). My emotions seek comfort and solace in his voice and his words of encouragement when I'm down. And I can't wait to hug and kiss him again in two months on my return to California. And yeah, I'm pretty certain it's also a two-way street. His love is a staple to my happiness and my hope for the future.
So in a Dawson's Creek-esque conclusion or not-really conclusion since I've contradicted myself more than once in this entry. Though I fear for the future, though I don't want to wait for the answer to all of my uncertainties ... everything that's here now, everything that I think, believe, and feel... means love to me now.
So open up your morning light
and say a little prayer for right.
You know that if we are to stay alive,
then see the love in every eye.
/ end really long rant /
No comments:
Post a Comment