I'm trying to find my own

I hate pulling that lone wolf kind of crap but I seriously feel... like a stranger these days. Save for the one or two people that have kept me company in the past week, everything else just seems so unbearable. I think I really try hard to meet people halfway. But (well it all may just be in my head) when I can't get there, I can't understand why people don't understand.

What can I do? Is it true that the best philosophy to living is to live it right now and enjoy it? Do I set my aspirations and dreams aside just so I can be happy in the now? What about the change I want to make in the world (albeit just the lives of a few people in need)? A life of constantly trying just seems to lead to a life of constantly trying. Who am I trying to be? Why? I want to be able to help others at the end of my journey but I also want to be happy and at peace with myself in the process. I just don't know how to pave the path that will be both.

The thing that set me off today: First of all, Thursday is my only sports day of the week.

But I just felt like I didn't belong anywhere. You think that the halls will try to include everyone but I can't even feel like I belong in my hall, where it wouldn't even be worth it to sit on the bench for the 3 v. 3 match because (get this) I was an international student. And apparently, international students have to be really exceptionally good at basketball to join (what?). I know Hall 3 has a really great female team (1/3 of the entire Women's Basketball Team is there, of which I am a member!) and you try to brush things aside and not feel hurt, but honestly... wtf (what the fudge)? Thank God I'm moving to Hall VI.

Then, during bball practice, I felt that not knowing Cantonese really prevented me from socializing with the team. I guess it's my responsibility to meet people halfway (as in I should learn Cantonese) but I really think the fact that I haven't given up is a credit to me!!! I know it's in my head, but I just feel so out of place. Usually I can brush it off, but not today!

When I was in primary school, I tried to join an outside league after having an interest in playing. After the first practice game, my dad told me, "You shouldn't be there. You're an embarrassment." Kill my spirit, why don't you? What was I supposed to do?! It was my first time being thrown into a game and the coach threw me in there despite my lack of experience! I really liked playing but how the heck did he expect me to make him proud when I didn't know how to play and I didn't know the forms, techniques, or tactics?!

But there are few out there who could understand the fragile psychology of my youth and my persistently low confidence.

After one week I quit the youth league and two years later, I tried out for the junior high school team and made it. Of course, my skills were still bleh but I really had an amazing coach that taught me all she could in the twelve short weeks of the season. At that time, I found out what it takes to be a basketball player and I hoped I could try out for the high school team in the next year. But, without further explanation, that's where my story ended. Sure, a few casual games here and there, but nothing meaningful.

And here, at UST, is where my story picks up. I can say with great comfort that I was able to stay because of a few special people I got close to (love polygon!): Because of Shin, who graciously translated what the coach was saying for me and helped me feel a lot more at home with the team; Amy, who has been an amazing teacher, explaining all the little things in gameplay I should start to pay attention to, and showing so much care; Da who constantly encourages me to play the game for the fun of it, because we love it and we can grow with others...

It's just the opportunity that allowed me to get to know the people in the "love polygon." I know it's not like the rest of the team purposely tries to make me feel out of place but it's just the situation I've been hurled into. Situational discomfort when people laugh after someone's made a joke and you don't understand it because it's in Cantonese and you having to force yourself to ask someone to translate just to feel included, but by the time you laugh, the joke has passed. Worse yet, people talk about you and you know it's not anything hurtful or against you, but there's just not enough time or effort to translate it. It just kinda sucks. What can I do though? Just keep at it, I guess.