Movie of the week: Garden State.
Book of the month: MCAT Prep.
HKUST is pretty much official now. Unless the FedEx is actually a visa denial, in which case, I frown upon my life! I just found out that transferring to UC Irvine would take three years just because that's how the class scheduling is; absolutely ridiculous. I wonder if I should have backed up with UCLA Biophysics after all. Oh well, that's behind me. I'm going to Hong Kong anyway.
Before accepting HKUST's admission offer, I secretly wanted something decided for me. I secretly wanted an ultimatum to make my decision more dramatic. But I lucked out and had the best boyfriend in the world tell me that it was okay. There are obviously mixed feelings for him... I didn't get a promise that we'd be together for as long as my duration there, but I got the reassurance that I definitely meant enough to him that we would try. And that's all I can ask for.
Before word of the visa, I wanted something decided for me because I didn't want to be faced with a decision. I wanted to stop wavering back and forth between UC Irvine and HKUST. If it were denied, I still had a good alternative, academic career still possible, albeit harder to work for. If it were approved, then I could resume the process of aspiring towards a unique academic career. It's approved. And all the navigations are pointed to Hong Kong. Nothing even remotely says it was the wrong choice for me. I guess I'll find out when I get there.
I was inspired when I found out about the visa to get Skype's paid online subscription for SkypeOut. I even got an online phone number for SkypeIn! :)
Current issue: Mercury Insurance has full coverage for my car's damages (estimated $4,900), so that's good. But now the insurance companies are going to fight over liabilities. Need to call Mercury Insurance and give them my statement about what happened. Even though I'm confident nothing was my fault, I'm nervous.
quiescent (adj)
1. quiet, inactive, or dormant
2. marked by a state of tranquil repose
28 July 2010
23 July 2010
The Definition of "Jaded"
"Jaded" is an emotional resignation to apathy. Because feeling nothing is better than having formerly felt.
The extremes are just too unpleasant.
The extremes are just too unpleasant.
19 July 2010
Whimsical Wishes of a Female Friend
I like to pride myself in being pretty rational because I can control my emotional needs fairly well. But... sometimes... well, there's just something incomplete about my independence. There's still an innate and cynical belief that I will never be truly cared for by someone. That I will always be unhappy and uncertain of the reality of true love. Part of me needs security and something to hold onto when I'm feeling weak. There's still an emotional child within me that longs to have someone pay constant attention to my deficiencies and nurse me to health. I couldn't have such security served to me from my parents, so I look for it elsewhere. It's the part I believe can't be filled on your own, no matter how much you believe happiness and completeness have to be artificed by personal perspectives. It's the part that longs for love.
Was it really so fantastical to dream of someone where I am their last thought at nightfall and their first in the morning? When I asked if some kind of certainty could be offered to me like a phone call and me with the full faith that I wouldn't be let down... was it too much to ask? Do I need to lower my standards of Prince Charming just to be happy and secure where I am or is there a way I can truly share love?
Love isn't all about being happy all the time, but certainly it should be about having the confidence that you won't be let down? Having the confidence that false hopes won't be elevated? Knowing that someone is making the effort to show you their love? Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to be left with no choice. :O.. Sometimes I feel like this is all one cruel test. One thing I hate about myself is the level of energy and emotion I'm capable of putting into relationships. No, it's not too little. It's just... too much. For some reason, I'm feeling pretty jaded.
There are a few things I miss about high school. A feeling I was given by one person in particular. And that's the feeling of value. It may have been a delusion, but it was an awfully nice delusion. I miss being understood. I miss being around someone who could see through my smiles and outter persona, and detect the pain and lack of human companionship I felt because of day to day struggles.
There's always that one person I remember so clearly. So beautifully that our friendship or relationship, whatever it was, could not be looked back on without the whimsical wish of feeling that sense of comradeship and connection again. That sense of being the only two people in the world that could comprehend each other. I miss talking about everything from mundane topics to current events to bigger ideas about life. I miss talking about REAL THINGS. Ideas. It seemed as I grew older, I became more superficial and less real.
Maybe it's because as we grow older, we seem to find that outter happiness is the easier and swifter to obtain. Therefore, we seek outter happiness and abandon young, naive idealism.
Was it really so fantastical to dream of someone where I am their last thought at nightfall and their first in the morning? When I asked if some kind of certainty could be offered to me like a phone call and me with the full faith that I wouldn't be let down... was it too much to ask? Do I need to lower my standards of Prince Charming just to be happy and secure where I am or is there a way I can truly share love?
Love isn't all about being happy all the time, but certainly it should be about having the confidence that you won't be let down? Having the confidence that false hopes won't be elevated? Knowing that someone is making the effort to show you their love? Sometimes I feel like I'm trying to be left with no choice. :O.. Sometimes I feel like this is all one cruel test. One thing I hate about myself is the level of energy and emotion I'm capable of putting into relationships. No, it's not too little. It's just... too much. For some reason, I'm feeling pretty jaded.
There are a few things I miss about high school. A feeling I was given by one person in particular. And that's the feeling of value. It may have been a delusion, but it was an awfully nice delusion. I miss being understood. I miss being around someone who could see through my smiles and outter persona, and detect the pain and lack of human companionship I felt because of day to day struggles.
There's always that one person I remember so clearly. So beautifully that our friendship or relationship, whatever it was, could not be looked back on without the whimsical wish of feeling that sense of comradeship and connection again. That sense of being the only two people in the world that could comprehend each other. I miss talking about everything from mundane topics to current events to bigger ideas about life. I miss talking about REAL THINGS. Ideas. It seemed as I grew older, I became more superficial and less real.
Maybe it's because as we grow older, we seem to find that outter happiness is the easier and swifter to obtain. Therefore, we seek outter happiness and abandon young, naive idealism.
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