College Girls

I have to say something I thought about while doing laundry.

Girls go through so much trouble just to attract the attention of men. In college, especially, there's so much freedom to dress up. Scanty, scandalous, cutesy, over-accessorize--all of these things--just to go to class or go out with friends. Dressing up for attention has become a sort of casual thing.

I guess it's understandable. From a biological ecology perspective, the mating competition is fierce. It's not only genetics which play a part in attracting men. It's not only personality which keeps them. It's upkeep and superficial primping. Make-up has altered the culture from square one so I guess it's in the nature of survival... the nature of biology. And we fall for it. I'll admit I've turned my head once or twice because some guy did his hair nicely that day. It's just how we get attention and, believe it or not, I think that superficial appearances is and always be of some importance in this world.

But it's sad how drawing an image can consume a person and distract them from the upkeep of a personality. And by upkeep, I mean maintaining virtue, integrity, humor, wit, intelligence, etc.--the silent things that you can't genuinely read or understand without really getting to know a person. If you keep working on how beautiful you look on the outside, you might never pay attention to making yourself beautiful on the inside. It can even go vice versa. Best to strike a balance that fits you. Most people can but I think a lot of us fall prey to society's tricks in late high school and college years.

I think I might offend some guys if they read this (well, I don't have a big following anyway, so I guess there's no need to have a disclaimer). But I think some girls need to tone it down a little. Stop trying so hard to get attention. And maybe some guys should stop being so preoccupied with their own search for girl-attention as well. Lastly, everyone should take more time to get to know a person's personality. For [a rather extreme] example, there is a girl at HKUST infamous for her ridiculous outfits on a daily basis (I've yet to see her). In doing so, many guys and girls become preoccupied with criticizing or being attracted to her choice of style (yet here I am being a critic). Not only that, I'm sure her personality has suffered negligence by her preoccupance with trying to look like that every day. I can't say that for 100% certain because she might actually have a pleasant personality... on the inside.

Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that we should all stop being so confusing to each other. It's just a preference of mine, but I like my guys honest and unassuming. Quiet and shy, so I can get to know him bit by bit. And of course, he has to be a bit of a secret romantic. (Wow, I'm pretty lucky. I think I know just the guy! <3)

Pseudo-poet (part 1)

i have befallen imminent doom.

some people say that they feel small and insignificant in this world. not me. it's my world. and it's pretty big in here, but it's easy to get lost inside.

somewhere along the line, i found myself in a dark room--desolate and strange. the smell was like country apple and rotting fish--two warring odors coexisting into enhanced unpleasantness. the room was dry and uncannily empty, as if something had belonged there. and everywhere, i could feel that whatever was missing had been substituted with the bitter shadows of fear. and within the darkest shadow, as if blanketed with time, was a window.

neither light nor darkness penetrated this window and its frame hinted at molten tears. i was not stuck there--that is not the imminent doom. i could sure as hell run in and out as i pleased. but there was a particular calling. the voice that fervidly called for my attention. a mystery to be solved.

all around, there is destruction; there, there is none. after years of returning to this room, i learned little. there is no key to the window despite a hidden keyway and nothing was to be found inside the room except for a single candle. today, i returned with the candle burning at my side while i sat on the cold cement floor, feeling unease and peace both. why this room? why this window?

and just as the dancing firelight extinguished its last millimeter of life, a momentous thought occurred to me in the burning silence. that i had found the black pit of what was. or at least what seemed to be. and in complete darkness, i felt the imminent doom. not an event or circumstance or even an object, but an epiphany. standing between what was and what will be: the ignorance of the human heart.

--- 12 June 2006

I was really into poetry and prose for a long time in high school. I tried as hard as possible to avoid angsty stuff. I really don't know what to make of it now. Thoughts?

tired; majorly jetlagged

i must be majorly jetlagged if i'm still awake at this time. adverse effects of living in different time zones. you end up not having a set sleeping schedule and thus become tired all the time.

i can't believe a whole year has gone by already. it was only a year ago i was just getting to know hieu and thinking about summer research opportunities. only two years ago my father lost his job. only three years ago i was still at oxford wondering what i should do with my future.

how my life has changed dramatically since high school. and now it's already 2011. with so much left to accomplish and so much left to learn. so much improvement to be made. and even if it's been a sort of tug-of-war between God and i; so much God left to understand and love.