A Self-Pep Talk

I've been thinking a lot about what it means to have "privilege." It's probably been beaten to pulp by now, but this blog is for the sake of reflection not originality so I am going to go through with it. Note that when I say privilege, I mean wealth--not just in money, but in fiscal wisdom, network, and anything that would lead to the secular view of success.

... Hong Kong is about wealth and money. Many students who study here have parents that can afford to send them to rich international schools. Many have parents who work for big banks or are insanely successful government workers, executives, or professors. Their parents are willing to pay for their kids' education and give them everything to make life easier. The money buys them cultivation of skills and talents; it lets them focus on things that would otherwise be something one did on the side.

As much as it's easy to say that these people are spoiled and entitled, it would be a reflection of jealousy and an unjustified sense of entitlement. If I'm being honest with myself, I have often felt jealous of people who have what I don't have. But feeling that way doesn't do any good. I'm being unfair to myself.

After all, it's really what you do with your privilege that matters.

That last thought reminded me of the biblical parable of the master and his servants. Before taking leave, a master allotted talents of different amounts (5, 2, and 1) to three of his servants (1 talent was worth approximately 20 years of labor). The servants who were given 5 and 2 talents both went out and doubled his allotment for his master. When the master returned, he rewarded them by setting them over many possessions. In contrast, the servant with the 1 talent hid his allotment in the ground and returned to the master exactly what he was given (1 talent). The master was especially harsh to this servant--calling him evil and slothful and giving the 1 talent to the servant with 10.

I have often thought about what would have happened if the last servant had done what the first two had done. It might have been difficult for him. After all, whats a man of 5 talents compared to a man of 1?

One transparent lesson (out of the many you can take from this parable) is that no matter how poorly the cards were shuffled against you, you can always make something better of it. And in fact, it's your responsibility to make something out of what you have. Because a talent is a talent. Maybe you serve a higher being, society, or even a grander version of your self--but why would you waste your life by hiding what you've got, keeping it to yourself, and turning into Gollum from Lord of the Rings?

For me, I do believe I've been allotted more talents (not in the form of money) in life than the average person and I've got to keep going in life to make the best of those talents. My friends and my family--they are my talents. My intellect and determination to problem-solve, my amiability, my passion for improving holistic health--these are my talents. I may not have the genius to discover time travel; I may not have the charisma to change the political landscape of North America; I may not have the hands of a stellar doctor that changes the lives of thousands. But I am determined to use my intellect and problem solving to make the contributions where I can.

The major challenge, however, is I don't know exactly how to optimize my potential. How could one possibly make the best of our own talents without a clear direction? Without a path set out for me?

But that's another of my talents. The ability to forge my own paths.

Here comes the sun

In the midst of WWII's darkest hour, the famous words, "This was their finest hour" emerged. It was a beacon of radiotransmitted hope-- a mentality that preserved those plagued by the uncertainty of war.

Winston Churchill, with his speech, changed the outlook of a nation. Those words are powerful for powerful times. Still -

This landscape of war can also be microscopic- molecular, even, and Higgs boson-like.

As a final year undergraduate student, spring is the time when all my peers are looking for jobs and dealing with the weights of uncertainty. The uncertainty sticks as a frozen mallet. We forego doors that may never open again or desperately knock onto closed ones. We are lost in what might or might not come. And. In the midst of our darkest hours, we are bitterly tested. I fight my own internal wars- between "comfortable and easy" me and the me that wants to... well, be a winner.

Okay, I'm being overly dramatic. But in all seriousness....

Updates

• Friends are always my beacon of hope. I miss you all! I'm rooting for you guys as I root for my own success. Wish you all the best in pharm school, med school, moving up in your job, landing that job, grad school, etc etc. Love, as always. We shall conspire to take over the world.
• Ummm, need to get back into RESEARCH MODE, pronto. President's Cup is due to April 10th and our team only has one month to collect relevant data!!

Grad School Stuff

• Rejected: Northwestern (March 1)
• Interview: UCSF/Berkeley (March 5) - Super stoked about this interview but waaaayyy nervous, too. I want it bad, guys. I want it bad.
• Accepted: UC Riverside (Feb 14) - An awesome offer! Seriously considering it.

 Notes to Self

• I miss these fools.

• I need to invest in professional photos ASAP.

Lessons in Self-worth

Hey, non-readers! I have excellent news for you. I just got accepted to a PhD program (Mechanical Engineering) at UC Riverside--my first reply! Sounds like a sweet offer with 14K stipend per year for 3 years. I have a pretty good place to go to if I don't get into my dream program (Berkeley or Northwestern).

But. It's a door I can't back out of.

And that is scary. I mean HK was a gutsy move and after all the challenges I had to overcome, it makes me scared to make any more gutsy moves. Somewhere down the road, I really have gained more of self-worth and a sense of capacity, but in this day and age, I feel like I'm constantly being... "shut down".

More importantly:

I have been depressed for the past few weeks, thinking about the woulda-coulda-shouldas.

The admissions office at HKUST just told me that I was supposed to finish in 5 semesters and it makes me mad to know that it was possible and they didn't tell me. It makes me mad that because of this 5 semester thing, I have to move out of my hall place and live off-campus. It makes me mad that I'm so far removed from the people that I love and care about back home. The people here are great but it's not home. The admissions office here is a pain... and I don't think there's any reason for them to not take better care of their international students. Especially when it just comes down to keeping us properly informed. I don't care if a hall place is only guaranteed for two years; you just have to inform us beforehand. We're a school that BOASTS internationalization. And that's just the beginning of it...

Depression a dim and dangerous place to be. Dropping all of my responsibilities like they were flies. I feel dysfunctional. And the only thing I can do is try to climb out with my drained strength. A poison sets in. And the worst thing? It's unwarranted! It's a constant conflict. Y'know what I'm saying? "You're being melodramatic." "You're overthinking things." "You need to calm down!"

I am pleased with the acceptance, nonetheless. UC Riverside is getting a good reputation, the projects are interesting, and my sister might go there. For someone who wants to work in biotechnology, a PhD in mechanical engineering is a useful thing to have. Life is headed in a positive direction, I try to tell myself.

People live and people grow. People change. It's time for me to leave this quiescent phase of my life.