I guess I haven't been all that fair to my blog in terms of life updates. Sure, a few big announcements here and there but none of the particulars. So here's a few mini-blurbs regarding certain aspects of my life... aside from my final year project, undergraduate research, and school stuffs.
It's congregation time! Hong Kong's different because we have congregations (commencement ceremonies) in November. I guess that's cool because they thankfully have it a week before Thanksgiving time so we can have a long holiday to celebrate. And it's better than walking in the sweltering heat of June, especially considering Hong Kong's tropic-esque location. The above picture is from City University of HK. The only one I took with my iPhone during congregation season. Ah well. Next year, it's my turn! Can't wait!
Long distance relationship. No, I don't think LDRs get any easier with every good-bye. Every good-bye is so freaking difficult. Going through some growing pains right now, I guess, but what makes us work is that there's an end to it eventually. He's applying to pharm school and I'm applying to a PhD program in engineering and hopefully we'll end up in Cali or Chicago, only a driving distance apart. I love him! ♥ .. and I miss him like crazy. He's my support system--the one that I rely on to catch me when I fall. And he's the friend that adds meaning to my life--the one I especially support and root for in life.
He's sad he can't hug or kiss me over Skype :(
My struggle with food. Oh man, I can't tell you how bad of a relationship I have with food right now. And thank goodness there's a place for me to write about it. I love food and all, but ahh! I feel so out of control. I spend spend spend even when I know I'm running low on money all the time. Okay, so I don't eat like a pig, but I know I can afford to eat less... And I want to go on a diet anyway because I'm back at a 130 weight, which is the weight I tend to fall back on if I don't regularly exercise and eat ad libitum. My face doesn't like it and my gut doesn't like it. Stupid taste buds. And midterms. And reports. And need for sleep!
One of life's delicious excesses.
Why pay for dinner when you can have pansit from your lovely student's home? :)
Half-marathon training! Speaking of weight and regular exercise, my avocation is definitely still running. From being a volunteer for Disneyland's Half Marathon to actually running races... I'm a little dilettantish.. so sue me. I said I have a bad relationship with food but I still go jogging or exercise three times a week for at least half an hour. It's almost out of habit now. But my standards for exercise are high; it really doesn't have much of an effect on me if I don't exercise for more than half an hour and that's my problem. So I have to vamp up the training and start on a half marathon plan and really lose the weight if I'm gonna save myself from killing my knees at my next race. Standard Chartered Hong Kong 2013 (half marathon), here I come. Sub-2 hours!
Random pictures... I need to sleep soon so I can wake up early and put in a few miles, so here's a few little slices of life:
Study nights with good friends~
1,234 friends! Wow, I'm popular!
Did I mention I ate a part of that squid right after it was caught. Squid sushi. The texture was slimy. The sand was crunchy.
Kayak adventures in Sai Kung. ^__^
I never blogged about this. But yeah, shattered iPhone screen. Maybe I'll fix it one day... when I have monies.
Today, I wanted to update my status to "I just wanna be closer to my passions and keep my thirst for learning alive."
But then I thought about how presumptuous was I. And I thought about the people who might think... psh you? Or the people that might have hard feelings about it (I don't know who, that's just what I was feeling.)
And I thought about... "what? I'm not allowed to dream?"
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.' We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
Remember this quote? I'm sure most people have read it or heard it at some point in life. It was cited in Coach Carter (2005) and Invictus (2009) and people mention this quote everywhere.
Why do I have to be afraid to dream... to want to be better.. to strive for more? What does it mean... to want to be someone or something that you know will make a difference in the world?
Summer's started for me. I hereby declare my resolution. It will be a summer where I try to find healing for both new and old wounds:
- healing myself from insecurity
- healing my mind
- healing my relationships with old friends. I want this summer to be about releasing inhibitions and learning to enjoy life and gracefully make the most of it.
Courage is rightly esteemed the first of human qualities... because it is the quality which guarantees all others.
If I'd have to describe my mom in one word, it'd be "courageous."
I love that my mom has the courage to believe in God and keep her faith. She finds her strength in God--she's grounded, special, loving, caring, and honest. She has the courage to persevere and do what's right for her family. She has the courage to face all the struggles our family is going through.
My mother is headstrong and persistent. She doesn't give up on anything. My mom taught me many things but the single and greatest quality she taught me was courage. And she did that by simply living.
If she could teach me courage, then perhaps the one thing I want to pass on in this world... the highest achievement of my life... would be to also live a life that inspires courage.
You know you're a science nerd when you're in an argument and you use "rate-limiting step" "reactants" and "overall reaction" to describe the problem...
“Frugality is one of the most beautiful and joyful words in the English language, and yet one that we are culturally cut off from understanding and enjoying. The consumption society has made us feel that happiness lies in having things, and has failed to teach us the happiness of not having things.”
sometimes I just want to disappear, y'know. especially when I have these moments where I feel like I don't have any control over myself or any thing in my life. everything seems to spin wildly out of control. deadlines to meet, people to talk to, exams to study for that define your grades which define your near future... maybe it just boils down to how well I can fight it out but I guess I've never been that aggressive. the truth is, in those moments of weakness and vulnerability, I begin to question myself... am I seriously just a normal girl with average looks, abilities, and intelligence? I want to dream big and make a meaningful difference in the world or at least my community but I guess I'm just a normal girl still trying to find my place here. and I'm slow at it.
"We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." --William Somerset Maugham
I miss my loves back home <3
In other news... it's the dawn of a new holiday season!! :)
In my dreams, we're slow dancing to a song. And in this song, we have the happiness of being together and holding each other close. In this song, we can feel magic. Because a memory is etching deeply into our minds and hearts only to be relived each time the song is heard again.
In my dreams, I'm feeding you soup when you're sick and driving you home when the day is through and you're just too exhausted to go on. Because we spend our energy chasing our own dreams but, at the end of the day, I'll be the one that brings your charger and says "Sweetie, let's pause and appreciate the simple things."
In my dreams, your hug is only whisper away. You draw me in before the tears fall and all the comfort in your voice translates suddenly into a place where I can hide myself when my troubles seem too overwhelming.
In my dreams, you say "I love you" and I believe it in all the little hidden corners of my heart and it makes me happy. I believe it because you help me believe it and it's not just me wishing.. hoping that you'll one day become my part-time lover and full-time friend.
Don't expect to do and be everything but try to be happy during the journey. Sometimes it's about getting there first, but mostly, it's about the right attitude and doing the job well while surrounding yourself with the right people.
Some people will seem like they're whizzing right past you on life's highway but you have to pay them no mind. It's tempting to want to stick the pedal to the metal at that moment; you're desperate to not be left behind. But if you don't work on yourself in the present, you'll never catch the momentum you need to be truly successful and feel real achievement in the end. Embrace what you can do now. Dream for the future, and know what you want. Pounce at the right opportunities. Don't let others try to convince you that you need something you don't.
"Whatever course you decide upon, there is always someone to tell you that you are wrong. There are always difficulties arising which tempt you to believe that your critics are right. To map out a course of action and follow it to an end requires courage." - Ralph Waldo Emerson
You know, I've been thinking quite a bit about social life. How I always wished I was pretty, how I could never be comfortable in my own body, how my face always had the ugliest acne, scars, and eye bags, how I could never see myself beautiful, how I always had such low confidence in my abilities, how low confidence always led to disaster, how I'm a jack of many trades and master of none, how I'm so socially inept and awkward around some people, how I'm rhythm- and tone-deaf, how I pretty much hate myself for...well, not being perfect.
I believe that every girl knows the feeling. Blame it on whatever you will but I guess I'm past the point where blaming the world, mass media, consumerism, men, and all that jazz helps me feel any better.
I know that I don't have to be perfect. And I know I ought not bother too much about what the rest of the world says I should be. And I know that I should embrace and accept who I am.... But there comes an important question...
Who exactly am I?
Turns out the inconvenience of being a "victim of society" (as Shin and I like to phrase it) is that we can't break out of the world's cruel tricks of who we should be because we no longer know who we ought to be. And the problem is finding out who you are is a long-term and intrinsically lonely Herculean effort.
Currently Reading: The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger
Currently Listening To: Chasing Cars (Snow Patrol), Human (The Killers)
In the end, a hairstyle is just a hairstyle. But there is a certain sense of satisfaction when you cut your own bangs with some level of success... at least it doesn't look awkward.
Before:
After:
In other news... I'm getting nervous about my summer research applications... March is the month of reckoning! I'm scared I won't get any and then I'll have to find... A JOB. Also, there are waaaaaaay too many project-based courses this semester. Group projects are ridiculously time consuming. Boo.
April 9th... MACAU CUP. Let's bring home a victory!
i must be majorly jetlagged if i'm still awake at this time. adverse effects of living in different time zones. you end up not having a set sleeping schedule and thus become tired all the time.
i can't believe a whole year has gone by already. it was only a year ago i was just getting to know hieu and thinking about summer research opportunities. only two years ago my father lost his job. only three years ago i was still at oxford wondering what i should do with my future.
how my life has changed dramatically since high school. and now it's already 2011. with so much left to accomplish and so much left to learn. so much improvement to be made. and even if it's been a sort of tug-of-war between God and i; so much God left to understand and love.
today i just want to write. i really don't know what to write but it's been so long since i poured out anything genuine. and this was supposed to be a formal journal but i can slip once in a while; finals are over. you know, even if this adventure in hong kong ends because i lost my scholarship (i didn't and i won't), i honestly feel like this year will not have been wasted.
i love everyone i've met, the ideals i chased, and the self i'm discovering. and even though it's hard, i even love my long distance relationship. i can be silly and insecure. he can be distant and inexpressive. it may have been his timing. but without him, i would have never learned i was strong enough to love someone at a point in my life i was beginning to doubt myself. how much could i honestly care about and devote my heart to the important people in my life?
i used to put up this front of caring about humanity in general but it came with ulterior thoughts of putting out an image. i never felt consistent love or companionship in my house. being truly attached to people is one of the most difficult things for me. i've never had a friend that i could cry over if they moved away. i thought about myself too much. i pitied myself. i was selfish. i mean, i'm still as selfish and self-centered as the next person, but now i understand this: the people around you: they give you reasons to love humanity in general. they're the ones that teach you what it means to be human, what it means to chase happiness, what it means to play, what it means to love. now, the people i consider my friends and comrades, i cry when i think about losing them. even my family, who i've always felt detachment from: flawed humanity is a beautiful thing. and the pseudo-traumas to my personality that stemmed from my youth--they help connect me to people, they help me feel real. despite the fact i've been a disney girl, constantly wishing for happy endings and idealism, i think i'd rather have struggles. when i become successful, my struggles will keep me grounded and grateful for wherever i end up.
even if i had to abandon this endeavor in hong kong, the kinds of things i found, i can still keep in my heart.
when you are on the other side of the mountains, my lonely path seems endless...
how many times in life do you realize, too late, that you’ve already lost what’s most important to you? people don’t have foresight, it’s only after you make the mistake that you’ll see the one you blamed was yourself they say that’s life, you live and learn, and you can hide tears but you can’t avoid the emotions you have. i don’t know how to ask the world to stop turning, i know ignoring it isn’t useful at all it’s just that at this time, at night i still return to the unforgettable memories i think my longing* is a sickness; and it cannot be cured
when you are on the other side of the mountains, my lonely path seems endless i sometimes feel you breathing behind me, but i’ve never felt the deepest thoughts of your heart
foolishly forgetting the people who need our love and care, in the end, we drift apart through our excuses without realizing it, we constantly complain and annoy because we refuse to look back at ourselves, see ourselves and just what foolish things we’ve done. maybe it’s that God testing me, it’s just that this wound needs a bit of time, it’s just that i long for before, the people that are now far from me, and soon we find this distance... become memories
when you are on the other side of the mountains, my lonely path seems endless i sometimes feel you breathing behind me, but i’ve never felt the deepest thoughts of your heart oh longing is a sickness, oh longing is a sickness, a sickness
how long has it been since you’ve said “i love you"? how long has it been since you’ve embraced the ones you love? when this world is no longer so beautiful, only love can make things better, i believe, it’s still not too late, ignore all the nagging, don’t let unhappy things obstruct your path, just afraid you won’t speak, just afraid you won’t act don't let the regret continue, there’s still time
*[longing: yearning, nostalgia, reminiscence] translated by Frank Gan
Sadly, I think I am missing the One-Zone Korfball Invitational and the last USFHK basketball match since I won't be back until early February. Our matches are on the 22nd(basketball) and 23rd(korfball) of January. I'm even missing winter basketball camp! I didn't think I would.... but I am really going to miss all the friends I made first semester. I didn't expect to have sentimental feelings after only a few months!
